fe_male | memeboxing

[ He notes the hiss, and really, if she hadn't reacted at all, it would have been a little strange. The predominant lack of reaction is nice, it's kind of calming, because he's not sure what he would have done had she suddenly flared up in righteous indignation, or anger on his behalf, but neither does he know how he would have felt about her having no reaction whatsoever. He doesn't want anger anymore; he's so far beyond the anger stage of this that when it comes up again all it seems to do is make him feel tired. If anything, he's angry with himself for allowing it to effect him to such great degrees, because why should it? There are so many reasons it shouldn't.

And no, his experience was nothing of the sort. Nothing intentional, nothing purposeful or with any level of mental preparation. No debrief afterward, because he was raw and exhausted and powerful enough to look the US government in the eye and say no and actually get away with it. He had been starting to look around the room, a little higher, things actually at eye level, but having shared just that little bit with her now he's just staring at his hands, turning over the small piece of metal, and his voice is totally not a little thicker when he replies again. ] Basically.

[ She's trying not to add anything else into the equation going on right now, and her anger - she thinks that would be an addition that would complicate everything else in ways she doesn't want. Her anger is still fresh and raw, for him at least, but she can guess that he's past that particular stage of things. It hadn't taken her very long to step past that and land squarely on tired sadness. That stage seemed to last longer. At least, she hadn't found there was a way past it yet.

So she's going to keep that held back as much as possible, just watch him and look at how he's interacting with the room around him because he's a physical person, the way he moves things and what he's looking at tends to be very telling of how he's feeling. ] Why? [ Deconstruction, down to the most essential nuts and bolts of the problem. ] We dream about things because at the heart of them - they frighten us. [ A heavy swallow before she keeps going. ] Why that, specifically?

[ That's good, because he really doesn't want to feel anger right now, not from anyone. Not on his behalf, not towards him - he just doesn't want to handle it. Any sort of strong negative emotion he gets from her, and he's just going to start closing off again, because he already has plenty of those and what little amounts of ground he's giving her as it is, what tiny little footholds and handlebars he's allowing her to have as she pries him open bit by bit, are given because she seems calm, and together, and that's a kind of peace that right now - even if it's just peace by virtue of relativity - he really wants.

So far he's continued to toy with the bit of metal in his hands, glancing a little bit around the room - familiarity, being uneasy means looking in more than one place, and everything down here is nice and comfortable and ineffably his own. He hasn't moved very much beyond that though, and it's older things, oddly, that he seems to be lingering on more than anything else, if one were to even call his flitting glances 'lingering'. At her question, it's straight back down to his lap again. More quiet, for a while. When he starts to reply, it's... Fragmented. ]

I couldn't... With the water, it's a shock, being so cold, even though the, the cave is cold, and it's so hot outside, which -- it matches, since after a while, in and out, your chest burns, so it's all cold and hot at the same time again. Just. The wrong way around. [ He knows this isn't what she asked, and it's just a short pause before he continues. ] I don't like not breathing. You know, when your face is submerged in cold water, it's enough to trigger a whole survival instinct in all mammals? Your heart beats slower, and blood floods into your chest. It's supposed to help keep your lungs from collapsing under pressure from the rest of the water you should be in, but if you're not in the water and you've just had chest surgery it just - [ Well. ] It's worse than the v-fib. At least I wasn't conscious for some of that. But I don't like not breathing.

[ She listens, carefully. That's all she can do for the moment, because he's telling her and she asked him to, he's telling her what she wanted and needed to know and so she's going to listen. It's not pleasant to hear, for multiple reasons - because she's protective of him, because her own memories can run along very similar lines and she's a lot further along in her acceptance of things than he is but they can still cause... problems, because the cadence of his voice is off and it's weird, she doesn't like it.

But mostly just because she cares and it's so very clear that he's not anywhere near over this and it's been years now, he's been carrying this for years and all the time she's known him and she hasn't helped yet and she doesn't know how to. She doesn't know what to do to help him be able to face it a little easier, make his sleep a little lighter. How does she answer him, now that he's told her? ] Have you ever talked to anyone about what happened? Have you been carrying it by yourself this whole time?

[ It's okay Max, he doesn't know how to help either. He doesn't know how to get help, or even show enough weakness or damage half the time to alert other people to the fact that he even needs it. Nothing beyond the obvious, anyway.

The avoidance in his posture and fidgeting doesn't really lessen at all. He doesn't seem as though he feels any better for sharing that - which makes sense, because now there's a vulnerability that didn't seem as present before, but this is half the reason he hasn't shared any of this before. He expects immediate results, or something along those lines. The moment there's anything worse, and this feels worse, sort of, he hasn't completely decided yet, he cuts and runs again. ] Reneg'd on the debriefs, passed on the psych evals - those have always come back funny anyway. Lots of people said 'if you ever need to', but no one actually wants to hear about it, and I don't want to talk about it. [ Didn't then when it was fresh; doesn't now that it's had time to fester. And besides, bringing it up now, apparently at random, well that just indicates how much it bothers you, doesn't it? ]

[ Well at least they're united in this not sure how to handle this ness. Not that she's ever going to admit that she's not sure what to do now, because as mentioned before, if the person who's trying to help you starts seeming unsure, well, that's about the exact opposite of helpful or reassuring or anything of the things she wants to be right now. Thankfully she is very very good at putting on a front, because right now she needs that ability.

She's doing what she can in terms of broadcasting feelings of safety and warmth - not anything explicit because she doesn't want to manipulate him, but enough to indicate that she's there and trying to help, that he hasn't scared her off or said something that's going to make her change any of how she feels about him. That he can be vulnerable, it's okay, which is a massive double standard because she would be 100% not okay with being vulnerable herself. Still. ]

I want to hear about it. [ Firm but still calm, and this time she does reach out again, brushes her hand along the back of his for a moment before pulling it back. ] And I want to help. I know it's not easy to talk about - believe me, I do - but. [ Silence for a long moment as she tries to determine which of the many things she's thinking to say, and how to say it. ] Take it from someone who knows how this road goes. Letting it fester makes it so much worse.

[ It's likely that he'd shy away from anything too overtly positive as well - it would, indeed, feel like manipulation, potentially like pity, or something, and he doesn't want any of those things on top of what's happening. He's not fond of them on their own, either. ]

I just told you about it. [ He didn't mind the contact that time, looking over at her hand for a moment and then back at his own, but he doesn't seek hers out yet. And yeah, he's learning that leaving it isn't helping, but that hasn't stopped him leaving it anyway.

He shifts a little, suddenly, sitting up a little more and glancing around. They've been sitting for a while and he's shared now and he's still antsy, maybe even more antsy now because he has shared and he's waiting to see what happens now. ] Yeah. I noticed.

[ Seriously, the skittish animal metaphor holds. You can't be negative, but you can't demonstrate too much enthusiasm either because that will scare them. It's a delicate balance and one that she's determined to get right, now more than ever. Bit by bit.

And he did tell her about it. It gets him a look on her face that's closer to a smile than any other look that's been on her face so far tonight, warmth in her eyes and the corners of her mouth. She's rather happy with even that one step of progress. And now what next? ] Some of us used to try flooding. [ Sort of casual, watching him carefully. ] Deliberately exposing ourselves to the - thing that was a problem, preferably in a positive environment - trying to get used to it.

[ Pausing and evaluating for a moment. This is requiring digging back through memories, and some of them are hard to unearth after all this time. ] It wasn't perfect, but it helped.

[ She's actually probably doing better than she thinks she is. He hasn't left mod-conversation, hasn't blocked her out or dismissed her completely, and isn't entirely averse to looking at her, but is sort of avoiding it nonetheless. Honestly, considering it's the first real talk he's ever had about it in the last three or four years? It's going pretty well.

But, man, it's like all that eye-avoidance was building up to right now, because at that suggestion, he freezes, then looks over at her straight on for a few long seconds. It's pretty obvious that the suggestion frightens him, with the not blinking until he finally does break eye contact and looks more at the desk, the wider eyes, and basically everything anyone who knows anything about body language would pick up on. When he looks away - and it's not completely away this time, he's still mostly facing her - it's also obvious that he's vaguely considering it. Which was why it was so scary in the first place, and still is. Considering it means imagining it and running through the possibilities and gauging the outcomes, but he keeps getting stuck on the imagining; it bleeds into the remembering so much faster than it should, and then it's just hard to think entirely. ]

Did it help you?

[ She meets that gaze as steadily as she can, firm and sure because even a hint of uncertainty now would be fatal, and because she is sure. It might not work for him - everyone's mind is different, reacts to things in different ways - but at the moment it's the best shot she knows of and it's worked before. ]

Yes.

[ Whether to elaborate or not - she hesitates, considers how to put it. There's specifics she doesn't enjoy going into and doesn't think would be helpful, but some more clarification would be good. She can guess what he's doing right now, and she wants to pull him out of that. ] There were things I couldn't look at and I need to be able to, so. It wasn't fun and it wasn't easy, but it was worth it in the end.

[ The fact that she answers yes, that takes it instantly from an abstract, ambiguous maybe, into a totally different realm of actualization. Personal experience trumps the theoretical every time, for him, in situations like this. He doesn't trust the untested, not with his mind, not with his - well, his metaphorical heart. Obviously exceptions for the real one have been made.

And right now he doesn't even want to bunny trail off into 'what couldn't you look at', because he can't keep up with a conversation like that right now and doesn't feel like having one in the first place, and he's still working out how he does feel about the proposal she's just put forth. It's basically just terrifying, but he's sure there's more than that. There's got to be, because he's tired of doing this, and maybe she's right and maybe she's not but she has a decent point either way and that's one of the most dangerous places to be in. Grey, grey, grey, but someone's talking sense - it doesn't help you decide what you're going to do at all. ] How long did it take?

[ She rather thought it might help. Still, does that make it cheating? She doesn't want him to think that because it worked for her it will always work. He's not the type to blindly take one thing as truth for everything, but this sort of topic tends to put blinders on people and make them less certain.

Yeah, no, she's leaving things there vague on purpose. There's no need to go chasing specifics or otherwise mess with things. If they ever do have to have that conversation, it's not now. It would only muddy the waters now. ] It only took a few times to get over the worst of it. From there, it was a slow gradual climb upwards.

[ Maybe? But I doubt that even when/if he looks back at this moment that he'd consider it to be such. He's not dumb; he's totally aware that out of basically everything, stuff that impacts from person to person has the most variables to contend with, but it doesn't stop it being comforting when someone whose opinion and experiences you trust and respect vouches for something that's worrying you, even if they're also the source of the initial suggestion.

That makes him pause again, for a little while. Honestly, this is just a very drawn out conversation in general. ] I don't know if I can... Handle that either. [ Read: 'I really, really don't want to run the risk of making things worse.' ]

[ She really dislikes this entire scenario, basically. She constantly feels like she's overthinking it or underthinking it or not getting it right, and she knows intellectually this is actually going somewhat decently - he doesn't have to accept this suggestion, it's a big and good step just to have him talk to her this openly. Or this close to openly. It's just really hard with this much heavy negativity in the air to feel like she's actually doing well. ]

It's up to you, what you think you can or can't handle. [ A pause of her own, because this really is a drawn out conversation in terms of them needing to stop and think over what they're going to say or consider what was just said. ] I'm going to find a way to help you. As many options as it takes. And one of them will work, and it will get better.

[ He's quiet, yet again, after she's finished speaking. He's taking time to run everything around in his head - numbers, equations, variables, past attempts tempered with the future attempts and the faith he has in her to never ever try and hurt him deliberately. Considering the methods he's been employing to handle things, and moving with them onto a proposed method, and then that held up against the original, the source of the problem, to see how it compares.

So it takes him a while, but he does reply. It's not the end of the conversation just yet. ] We can try it.

But you don't have to do that. I mean... [ What do you mean, Tony? ] I... Appreciate the help, but sometimes things can't... [ Maybe he doesn't know what he means. ]

[ She can wait. She's good at waiting, as this conversation has made very clear. It's an ability learned on stakeouts and with her bond and his quiet evasion and in prison, and here it's serving her in very good stead. She can wait even when the results aren't worth it, and in this case they are very very worth it.

She doesn't really visibly react to him agreeing, because that's not out of the woods yet. It's a chance at helping him, but one that she can't be certain will help. She won't start feeling better about the whole affair until she knows one way or another, can be positive that he's feeling better, that he can handle this more easily. Her ultimate goal is to make it so that he's able to handle everything by himself, without help, and not need her help at any point. Not because she doesn't want to be here, but because more than anyone she knows the impermanence of things. People die, or are forced out of your life, and she wants to know that no matter what he will be okay. ]

I know I don't have to. [ It would be peremptory if she wasn't so carefully moderating how she says things, because of course she doesn't have to. She doesn't have to do anything. ] I want to do what I can. I know not everything can be fixed. But most things can be improved.

[ At least Tony doesn't tend to go for quiet, unobtrusive evasion so much as 'Hey! Look over here! Look! I'm avoiding the subject!' kind of evasion. That probably helps a little bit with things.

He would argue that actually right now he doesn't need help either because he's totally capable of functioning like this, he's functioned like this for years, and in other, similar states for different reasons for even longer. He'd argue that, but it would be sort of half-assed, because it's blatantly incorrect and he doesn't have the energy to put into any real defensiveness right now. ]

Some things, anyway. Hard not to improve on all this, I guess.

[ It definitely seriously helps. He may think it's distracting, but really it's just alerting her to the fact that there is a problem if she hasn't already noticed. It makes her a lot more confident in knowing that if there's a problem, she'll realize it sooner rather than later.

As for that, there's a difference between functioning and living and yeah, exactly, it's blatantly incorrect. She would be very unimpressed with that particular argument. ]

The only things that can't be improved are the things outside your control. Circumstances, surroundings. If you do want to try, obviously I'm willing to help.

[ Yeah, the day he learns that all that avoidance actually clues her in to things more than not, he'll... probably not actually be able to stop doing it, but he'll be annoyed with himself when he notices that he is.

Reasons he does actually keep some of his thoughts internal. ]

How would - how would we do it?

[ She doesn't intend on ever mentioning that to him. It seems like a not great idea, because she's pretty sure he'd at least try to stop and that would get frustrating fast. She happens to think it's a good thing, her being able to read things from him.

And there's the million dollar question, isn't it. She's come up with a few options and discarded them in her head, trying to determine what would work best, what's the most likely to function as a means of helping. ]

Whatever you think would work best. I don't want to - you know best what would be most likely to cause more problems than the obvious.

[ What she's saying is true, but for reasons she's not entirely privy to, it's entirely implausible. He's not even to the point yet where he can consider a handful of scenarios and pick which one is least damaging and most likely to work - all he'll do is get bogged down in the scenarios.

So when he looks at her, again, finally, it's not like he did when she first voiced the idea but more like a visible placing of his trust in her expertise here. It's very thin, tentative, tightrope walking trust, with a thick, dense cloud of 'But I'll need so much help, I don't know how to do this.' surrounding it.

And this is effectively what he was hiding from her. This brokenness, this fear, all of this anxiety and inefficiency. She managed to wade through the rest of everything else and now he's more or less one hundred percent open to her, and while that should be terrifying, all he's feeling is a little numb. Like it'll hit later, but right now while it's happening that would be too much to handle. Self-defense mechanisms - Tony's built out of the things. ]

I can't - think... of them. I just loop in the memories, it doesn't ever - it doesn't go that well. [ oh well nice idea maybe some other time ] I don't care how we... - as long as there's no water. We can't start with water.

[ It's a lot of openness indeed, but it's what she was asking for and this - she knows this. The brokenness, the fear, she knows it inside out. It's almost reassuring in its familiarity, and that sounds bad but it's more that all the evasion and the refusal she didn't know what to do with but she knows a lot more about how to handle this, right now.

Well, somewhat more. She's still not anywhere near certain but her calm and surety is a little less faked now. ]

No water, no, I don't think that would really help. It's okay, you don't need to think about it. I'll walk you through it. [ A pause, giving him a moment, and then she reaches out and strokes her thumb along the back of one of his hands, a calming gesture hopefully. ] The first step is somewhere you feel safe and in control. The shop, I'd guess. Maybe your bedroom?

[ It's hilarious that she can't get to this part confidently but can handle it once it's here no problem. Mostly no problem. Sort of. Most people are the other way around, i.e.: I want all of the things! and then But how do I hold all these things? And right now while he's definitely less convinced of things than he was before - and that wasn't a whole lot to begin with - he's also without the next part, the handling of it. His went more in reverse, with the overwhelming part just followed by even more paralysing overwhelming parts.

He thinks about that, because the instinctive reactions - again - are highly contradictory. He's had a near-constant state of hyperawareness for a long time now, which doesn't lend to feeling super safe anywhere. He also doesn't want to ruin any of the handful of places he does feel at ease. The workshop is sanctuary, so it's immediately out. He supposes the bedroom isn't a terrible idea - clearly the sleep/interrupted sleep cycles that happen there are a decent indication of balance. Maybe. He doesn't know. ]

Yeah. That one. [ He's far less opposed to the gesture than he might have been just a few minutes ago. He doesn't react a whole lot - there's enough other things begging for reaction right now; it's not the time to start paying attention to them - but that just means he doesn't pull away anymore. ]

[ About as close to no problem as anything is likely to get in this particular scenario anyways. But yes, it's easier once she uncovers what she knows is beneath. It's a matter of what she's accustomed to. The people who had needed an empath's help hadn't come to her until they were already at this point.

The possibility of ruining something that does work for him is one of the ones that concerns her most. She hates that she's going to have to help personally, because there's always the chance it backfires and he can't look at her anymore, and what then? She doesn't know. But it has to be tried, for his sake. ]

Okay then. [ She stands, moves closer to his chair. ] Come with me? [ Certain to make it a request, leaving it up to him still. Every motion he makes has to be his choice. ]

[ See, and if anything, it's the fact that she is an empath that made him want to hide it even more from her. Not because he was more worried she'd find out - even he was aware of the cold reality that eventually, on a night like tonight, there were just aspects of hiding something that fundamental and living with another person that don't allow for cohabitation - but because he was worried that she would be more sensitive to it on a purely empathic level. That whatever aspects of it he could actually, legitimately not handle, would radiate out and seep into her shields through whatever unbonded connection they managed to have. While he doesn't ask for help well, if at all, it was fear that his problems would wind up hurting her that was an almost larger motivating factor. Almost.

And oddly, that aspect of 'ruining a good thing' hasn't even occurred to him. The idea that if this doesn't work, he'll have transferred some of all this bullshit onto her - it's not even figments. He's not thinking like that at all, so it's probably good that one of them is, just in case. If that were to happen, it would take him completely by surprise. (Although her apparently having been prepared for it and having obviously not told him about that possibility would probably just make him angry, on top of being angry it didn't work, on top of being frightened of the issue in the first place... That would be very bad in general.)

He's gone back to watching her carefully, now she's in motion, and while he deliberates for one second, he's very aware that if he stops to do that too much, he'll have enough time to talk himself out of it, which would just mean never doing it, ever. So he stands just a second after she asks, nodding slightly. ] Okay.

that last comment of mine there was the 1000th comment to this post jesus

i just looked at your total comments posted and made a noise

oh god yeah don't do that or i just look insane

it's okay i love you for it

well thank you

ps i have just over 3000 notifications from you in my inbox

holy wow. idk what to say to that

yeah man me neither

yay?

yes yay also holy shit impressive

what's impressive

the sheer amount of comments

tbf i think like at least 250 are from that one damn kissing meme at ex

lmao yes yes they are

let's repeat the mantra: never ever never ever

it's ok i'm here to help remind you should you ever consider it again

it was genuinely fun though

stop reconvincing yourself you know that's a bad idea

okayyyyyyyyy ;;

it'll be okay i promise

okay i trust you

i can be responsible for you then

okaaaaaaaaay

<3<3 /pets

/purrs