[ It's probably fairly obvious to any clear-minded outsider that whatever it is that he's normally doing is at the very least not contributing to a solution, and at the most, actively contributing to not finding one. Neither eventuality is at all obvious to Tony himself though, which is sadly wherein the rub lies.
Yeah, the look on his face indicates he's not that convinced that it's going to not come back, that it won't be in this cyclical stage where when it isn't happening, he's simply waiting for whenever it does again.
Okay, the hug... She was right, he pulled away out of self-consciousness. He freezes a little bit, but only for a moment, and then all but melts back into her. It can't be immediately, because he's still deliberating; appearances versus impulse, and impulse wins out (as impulse is wont to do). Impulse is awesome, it's just not helping with any of his actual problems. He's hoping the hug will lessen what isn't at all residual trembling still from before they even got started here. His comments had been more or less in jest, but there's a certain amount of encouragement to be gained from her confirmations regardless. ]
[ It really is fairly obvious, but exactly. The problem isn't noticing that, it's getting him to realize and acknowledge it too and then do something about it. She's not entirely sure how to manage that, but she's going to keep trying until she does.
She runs a hand up and down his back slowly, leans in enough that she can support as much of him as he's willing to let her. The trembling is just tangible under her touch and she closes her eyes, presses herself a little closer. He shouldn't be thanking her, not yet. She hasn't really helped yet. But maybe he feels like he has. Or he's just saying it because she's there, and most of the time nobody's been there. She doesn't know. Regardless of the reasons behind it, he feels like thanking her and she's not going to dismiss that to him because she doesn't feel like she deserves it. ]
[ Good luck with that. Tony is a master of avoidance, and perhaps best of all, himself.
Gradually, he lets more of his weight rest against her, allows himself to relax with her touch and her presence and accept at least a part of what she's offering here. He keeps trying to reinforce his shielding, but the physical at least, he allows to take what it needs. Her hand along his back helps a bit, the hug a bit more, and gradually he calms down in increments until the totally-not-trembling stops and he genuinely feels a little better.
He has no idea why he's thanking her in particular, just that she's trying to help and he knows what she just did was difficult; that she's here with the aftermath and willing to deal with his issues; that she understands at least to some degree what the problem is and had some sort of idea to counteract it - there are enough uncertain reasons for him to thank her that he doesn't need to know the specifics right now. He can do it anyway just fine without them.
Eventually though, he pulls away again, and it's less out of self-consciousness this time and more just because he felt a little better. Felt like looking her in the face, even if it's just for a moment before his eyes start glancing around the room again. ] It's not that bad. [ In general. And, yes, actually, it is, but it's better than it could be, with her here. ] And you're squishy without a suit, okay, you're gonna get a suit.
[ It's a really good thing Max is hella stubborn and very determined to make sure that Tony's okay. And not just okay now, but on the way to being okay in the long term and without needing anyone else's help to be there.
She makes small smoothing noises as she strokes his back, holds him close until he finally pulls away again. When he looks at her she's calm and steady, watching him back in turn. There's still concern in her eyes and her expression is serious, but it's all worry for him and mixed up with a certainty that she doesn't quite feel enough but is pretending she does.
He's going to be okay. She's going to make sure of that. ] We'll make it better. [ Much better, and then she almost smiles at that, brushes her thumb across his cheek and lets it linger as her face settles back into soft awareness of him and every glance of his eyes. ] Yeah? Okay, I can get a suit and be not squishy if you want me to. That's okay.
[ This is the moment where he's more or less not freaking out that much anymore and not back to normal enough to have slid back under his customary shell of armor and he's not actually all that sure what to do right now between the two states. It's mostly just really uncomfortable in a different way and he's not fond of it but he doesn't want to leave so, okay, he'll just sort of sit here and look at this once spot on the carpet and not go anywhere.
At least now he has a potential project. Making a suit. He's good at making suits. He's made a handful of them already. Here and there, you know how it goes with a hobby.
He lets her touch him without pulling back, although he doesn't make much of a positive reaction either. Still just sort of settling into stillness. He knows the way she's watching him is out of concern and care, but he can't help but feel like he's going to crack in the face of it. Not that it makes much of a difference - he's clearly quite capable of cracking when nobody's looking at him either. ]
No, I need you to. I think. I mean -- [ Nahhhh too much. Just gonna look down again. ]
[ It's okay, she's going to try to avoid to make it more uncomfortable as she can, and mostly she's just going to let her hand linger on him for a bit before brushing down his arm and resting on his hand. Physical reassurance, always, whatever of it she can offer.
And yes, he is as a matter of fact very good at making suits. Just as a general rule it seems. She tilts her head at that, watches him as he looks down and then reaches her hand back to his face, looking to tilt it up a bit. ]
Why do you need me to? [ Because she can't remember him expressing that sentiment before and she wants to know why he is now. ]
[ He resists letting her turn his head for a little while, because he knows that his face and especially his eyes give him away all the time and he doesn't want that, he just needs a little more time, he's already exposed as it is. But then there's no reason not to, and he wants to see her anyway, and he can, okay, turn his head, let her look at his face, just as long as he avoids eye contact. That'll be okay, right? That feels like an okay compromise. ]
I don't mean... It doesn't have to be a - I just. [ Brief exhalation of annoyance. Words. Phrasing things is hard. ] I don't know how else to keep you safe, especially if I'm not going to... be reliable. I don't need you in a suit, I just -- [ need you. Whoops. ]
[ They do give him away all the time, and she needs to see them, wants to understand what it is he's thinking right now. She doesn't know where this particular train of thought came from or why he's suddenly concerned about her squishiness or lack thereof, and he may be avoiding eye contact but she's watching his expression and the dart of his eyes carefully.
She just nods at that first bit, brushes her thumb across his cheek and keeps listening, waits for the moment she understands. And oh. Oh, that's what he means. She's not entirely certain she knows what to do with that. ] We've kept each other safe pretty well so far, haven't we? [ Gentle and soft as she watches him. ] You're not unreliable. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll be safe.
[ He'd really prefer if she didn't. But, hey. There's only so much he can do about that.
Basically, he can feel the revelation hit her, and he turns or curls away a little further from her at the thought of it. He didn't totally mind having the feeling. Letting her know about it? Totally different. He's a little uncomfortable right now, in more ways than one. ] I don't think... I don't feel very reliable. [ But then looking at her. It's important. ] As long as you stay safe. Whatever methodology.
[ Him turning away from her always feels bad, and maybe - maybe that's all she really needs to know about how she feels about him needing her. There's a short pause after his last statement as she meets his gaze, warmth and solemnity in her expression, and then she cups his face in her hands and pushes up on her knees to press her lips against his forehead, sinking back down to rest her forehead against his.
For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]
I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.
[ That's a number of methods of reassurance she's giving him right there, none of which he knows entirely what to do with. He's not sure how he feels, right now. He's not sure how he's feeling, or whether he is at all. It's an uncharacteristically high concentration of not knowing, and he doesn't like it. ]
[ She's frankly not entirely sure what it is that she's feeling right now either, other than that it is vitally and absolutely important that he understand this, pulling back a little so she can meet his eyes directly, ensure that he sees and feels her absolute sincerity. ]
I am happy. I wasn't before I met you, and now I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
[ Nnnnn no that's unavoidable and straightforward and a whole host of things that Tony Stark avoids as though he believes it's possible to actually catch the plague from them somehow.
So he looks back at her, cross-checking for signs that she's lying - not to knock her, just... out of habit. Out of a sense of self-preservation that life has seen fit to teach him needs to be employed amongst those who seem to care about you the most. She doesn't seem to be lying, and again, he doesn't know what to do with that. He simply holds her gaze as long as he can, bolsters his wavering shields as long as he can, and drops the former before the latter too, comes crashing down. ]
[ She holds his gaze steadily until he looks away, and then she drops her own and breathes out because she actually wasn't really sure what the reaction to saying that would be and she's still not really sure and part of her is terrified that sharing something means an end to things, means the other person can't take it anymore. But. ]
I'm not - you don't owe me happiness, and it's not your responsibility. [ That's important, too, she knows. ] But you do make me happy.
[ There's a whole lot about all of these moments between them that are more or less composed purely out of avoidance and not interacting, so it's hilarious that they all seem to happen near each other. He hasn't taken it poorly. Not yet. He just hasn't really taken it that well either. He's not sure how he's supposed to take it at all. ]
I owe you something. Might as well be. [ Mumbled, because he's not looking at her anymore. That last part - well. He's slightly incredulous, but he doesn't say anything about it. ]
[ She shakes her head immediately, ducks her head so that she can still meet his eyes because if that was important this is much, much more so. This is incredibly important. ]
You don't owe me anything. You will never owe me anything. [ She has to ensure that he knows this, because she can't let him think that. It's not all right. ] I promise.
[ She has an odd insistence on eye contact that he both enjoys being forced into and loathes being forced to reveal through. It's a good barometer for when she feels like a point needs to be made, but more often than not she's making points when he feels the most evasive, and it just results in a mildly unpleasant feeling of being cornered by someone you care about. ]
I don't mind - it's a good thing. Something to work for. If I didn't owe you anything, you'd just be somebody else. [ Which is a weird way to put it, but it's a point of his own in return. If he owes her, she has a concrete reason to be here. Or at least, more of one than not. He's owed the most important people in his life things, it's not something he takes lightly. ]
[ It's easier both to see what he's really thinking or feeling through his eyes, not to mention that she finds that it helps to reinforce her point if he can see her. If he can see that she means what she's saying. Except right now he's not taking it, he's insisting and she doesn't know what to do with that because she doesn't want this to be about owing. She can't take anything from him because he thinks he owes it to her. She just can't. ]
I don't want - obligation. You don't have to give me anything. [ She doesn't know how else to say it herself, or how to say that she doesn't know how to accept his points because she can't take things unless she's positive they were given absolutely freely. ]
wtf i hit enter when I KNEW that i wasn't finished writing.
[ Yeah it sounds like... They have a problem, since exactly what he wants here is what she specifically doesn't want. He's not totally sure what to do now either. ]
Okay. I mean, uh, you've shown that. I know that. I knew that. [ Maybe it'll work better if he just continues to operate as he has been, but without telling her the reasons. He can totally keep acting under debt and repayment and tell her something entirely different about the whole process. ] That's fine.
Edited (fuck it i didn't like it still i edit what i want) 2013-05-18 23:32 (UTC)
your fingers jumped ahead of you in the timestream a little is all
[ There's a short pause, weighing his words and the way he's holding his body and everything she can catalogue of his emotions. It's inconclusive. She's not entirely certain what she should be concluding from this moment. ]
I just - I need it to be because you want to. [ Not out of that sense of debt, or an idea of repayment. Neither of which she would entirely get if she realized, because she's never considered even the possibility that he owes her a damn thing. Not after everything he's done for her. ]
yeah and then said the wrong thing entirely while they were there
[ Tony no. Evasiveness is not a good thing, she doesn't like it and it weirds her out and she knows it means something's wrong. There's a long pause. ]
Do you feel like you owe me something? [ There's nothing judgmental in her voice, just genuine curiosity and a certain reserve covering sadness. ]
She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
[ Wow, there's a whole 2.2% chance he isn't lying? He's doing better than I thought.
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
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Yeah, the look on his face indicates he's not that convinced that it's going to not come back, that it won't be in this cyclical stage where when it isn't happening, he's simply waiting for whenever it does again.
Okay, the hug... She was right, he pulled away out of self-consciousness. He freezes a little bit, but only for a moment, and then all but melts back into her. It can't be immediately, because he's still deliberating; appearances versus impulse, and impulse wins out (as impulse is wont to do). Impulse is awesome, it's just not helping with any of his actual problems. He's hoping the hug will lessen what isn't at all residual trembling still from before they even got started here. His comments had been more or less in jest, but there's a certain amount of encouragement to be gained from her confirmations regardless. ]
Thank you.
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She runs a hand up and down his back slowly, leans in enough that she can support as much of him as he's willing to let her. The trembling is just tangible under her touch and she closes her eyes, presses herself a little closer. He shouldn't be thanking her, not yet. She hasn't really helped yet. But maybe he feels like he has. Or he's just saying it because she's there, and most of the time nobody's been there. She doesn't know. Regardless of the reasons behind it, he feels like thanking her and she's not going to dismiss that to him because she doesn't feel like she deserves it. ]
Always.
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Gradually, he lets more of his weight rest against her, allows himself to relax with her touch and her presence and accept at least a part of what she's offering here. He keeps trying to reinforce his shielding, but the physical at least, he allows to take what it needs. Her hand along his back helps a bit, the hug a bit more, and gradually he calms down in increments until the totally-not-trembling stops and he genuinely feels a little better.
He has no idea why he's thanking her in particular, just that she's trying to help and he knows what she just did was difficult; that she's here with the aftermath and willing to deal with his issues; that she understands at least to some degree what the problem is and had some sort of idea to counteract it - there are enough uncertain reasons for him to thank her that he doesn't need to know the specifics right now. He can do it anyway just fine without them.
Eventually though, he pulls away again, and it's less out of self-consciousness this time and more just because he felt a little better. Felt like looking her in the face, even if it's just for a moment before his eyes start glancing around the room again. ] It's not that bad. [ In general. And, yes, actually, it is, but it's better than it could be, with her here. ] And you're squishy without a suit, okay, you're gonna get a suit.
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She makes small smoothing noises as she strokes his back, holds him close until he finally pulls away again. When he looks at her she's calm and steady, watching him back in turn. There's still concern in her eyes and her expression is serious, but it's all worry for him and mixed up with a certainty that she doesn't quite feel enough but is pretending she does.
He's going to be okay. She's going to make sure of that. ] We'll make it better. [ Much better, and then she almost smiles at that, brushes her thumb across his cheek and lets it linger as her face settles back into soft awareness of him and every glance of his eyes. ] Yeah? Okay, I can get a suit and be not squishy if you want me to. That's okay.
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At least now he has a potential project. Making a suit. He's good at making suits. He's made a handful of them already. Here and there, you know how it goes with a hobby.
He lets her touch him without pulling back, although he doesn't make much of a positive reaction either. Still just sort of settling into stillness. He knows the way she's watching him is out of concern and care, but he can't help but feel like he's going to crack in the face of it. Not that it makes much of a difference - he's clearly quite capable of cracking when nobody's looking at him either. ]
No, I need you to. I think. I mean -- [ Nahhhh too much. Just gonna look down again. ]
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And yes, he is as a matter of fact very good at making suits. Just as a general rule it seems. She tilts her head at that, watches him as he looks down and then reaches her hand back to his face, looking to tilt it up a bit. ]
Why do you need me to? [ Because she can't remember him expressing that sentiment before and she wants to know why he is now. ]
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I don't mean... It doesn't have to be a - I just. [ Brief exhalation of annoyance. Words. Phrasing things is hard. ] I don't know how else to keep you safe, especially if I'm not going to... be reliable. I don't need you in a suit, I just -- [ need you. Whoops. ]
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She just nods at that first bit, brushes her thumb across his cheek and keeps listening, waits for the moment she understands. And oh. Oh, that's what he means. She's not entirely certain she knows what to do with that. ] We've kept each other safe pretty well so far, haven't we? [ Gentle and soft as she watches him. ] You're not unreliable. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll be safe.
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Basically, he can feel the revelation hit her, and he turns or curls away a little further from her at the thought of it. He didn't totally mind having the feeling. Letting her know about it? Totally different. He's a little uncomfortable right now, in more ways than one. ] I don't think... I don't feel very reliable. [ But then looking at her. It's important. ] As long as you stay safe. Whatever methodology.
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For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]
I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.
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But you need to be happy too.
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I am happy. I wasn't before I met you, and now I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
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So he looks back at her, cross-checking for signs that she's lying - not to knock her, just... out of habit. Out of a sense of self-preservation that life has seen fit to teach him needs to be employed amongst those who seem to care about you the most. She doesn't seem to be lying, and again, he doesn't know what to do with that. He simply holds her gaze as long as he can, bolsters his wavering shields as long as he can, and drops the former before the latter too, comes crashing down. ]
Okay.
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I'm not - you don't owe me happiness, and it's not your responsibility. [ That's important, too, she knows. ] But you do make me happy.
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I owe you something. Might as well be. [ Mumbled, because he's not looking at her anymore. That last part - well. He's slightly incredulous, but he doesn't say anything about it. ]
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You don't owe me anything. You will never owe me anything. [ She has to ensure that he knows this, because she can't let him think that. It's not all right. ] I promise.
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I don't mind - it's a good thing. Something to work for. If I didn't owe you anything, you'd just be somebody else. [ Which is a weird way to put it, but it's a point of his own in return. If he owes her, she has a concrete reason to be here. Or at least, more of one than not. He's owed the most important people in his life things, it's not something he takes lightly. ]
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I don't want - obligation. You don't have to give me anything. [ She doesn't know how else to say it herself, or how to say that she doesn't know how to accept his points because she can't take things unless she's positive they were given absolutely freely. ]
wtf i hit enter when I KNEW that i wasn't finished writing.
Okay. I mean, uh, you've shown that. I know that. I knew that. [ Maybe it'll work better if he just continues to operate as he has been, but without telling her the reasons. He can totally keep acting under debt and repayment and tell her something entirely different about the whole process. ] That's fine.
your fingers jumped ahead of you in the timestream a little is all
I just - I need it to be because you want to. [ Not out of that sense of debt, or an idea of repayment. Neither of which she would entirely get if she realized, because she's never considered even the possibility that he owes her a damn thing. Not after everything he's done for her. ]
yeah and then said the wrong thing entirely while they were there
Yeah, I got it. No obligation. Just wants and freely givens. I can do that, it'll be fine.
they may have jumped ahead in the /wrong/ timestream on accident
Do you feel like you owe me something? [ There's nothing judgmental in her voice, just genuine curiosity and a certain reserve covering sadness. ]
oh sure, /now/ you specify
The tone to her voice makes him just barely refrain from scrunching up his face because this isn't going as he'd hoped. ]
Of course not, I just said that.
i'm just trying to help here pls
She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
rly feeling it
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
i can make you feel it more baby
i spent like 30 minutes looking for a gif of 'i'm gonna be walking funny tomorrow' from easy a
alskdhfl oh my god i'll just pretend it's there
thank you i appreciate it
naturally. anything for you.
i demand nothing less
you'd get it just by existing in my general vicinity ok
that sounds dangerous for us both
no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine
....are you /sure/?
positive
huh.
i have very firm opinions
i've noticed
man you totally don't need to play along to my conceit
maybe i enjoy it
maybe you're a ridiculously nice person
ack no compliments what do
accept that you're a wonderful person and ily
but
no buts. you really are fantastic.
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those are the shoulders she's rubbing look at those shoulders man
thank you for reminding me i would never have thought to look closely at his shoulders otherwise
i'm glad i could be of service!
i just bet you are :|
ily
ily too
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is this thread wrapping up too?
it could well be, yeah, they're likely just going to stay awake together i think?
and not do anything in particular, yeah, that's what i think too
so long as he stops being an ass :|
shhh he's still coping
that's a terrible method of coping tony
were you expecting a good one????
admittedly not really
thank you
you are welcome. and okay yes i think that's about it for this one