fe_male | memeboxing

He'll be fine as soon as they even out, probably. JARVIS likes me.

[ She's tracking all of them she can keep a hand or an eye on, suddenly regretting that she doesn't have the Sentinel's ability set right now. JARVIS is a good substitute in some ways and he's pretty dedicated to making sure things are all right, but she'd still rather be able to be certain entirely on her own senses. She'll let the computer equipped for it handle the vital signs right now, though, concentrate on the emotion herself. And there's plenty of that.

She slides her hands down to his back and pulls him into a loose hug, still plenty of space and ability to get out if he needs it but she doesn't feel like she's providing him enough shelter right now, not with the feelings coming off of him. Maybe nothing would be quite enough shelter.

When she speaks, it's soft but utterly sure. ] You're still here.

[ It takes him a little while to realize that he's probably sending out way, way more than he means to be right now - he's putting too much energy into containing just his physical reaction and the emotions themselves, and it's still not quite a knee-jerk response for him to remember to shield appropriately. The basics, sure, but not enough to actually guard for a nearby Guide who's as invested in all of this as she is. Where he had been hugging her back, almost greedily, because again, she's the anchor, that's it, he pulls away again with the realization, trying to snap them back up the way they ought to be. ] Sorry, I - not supposed to happen like that.

[ He uses the distance to wipe at his face, just in case he needs to, he can't really tell. Everything's on overload and nothing's registering properly, still caught up in things that aren't happening and memories that have. ] This doesn't. This feels worse, this isn't better. It's just closer now. Just... It's all here again.

Shhh, no, it's okay. It's fine, I'm okay. [ She doesn't let him pull away entirely, keeps her hands resting loosely on his legs and leans in towards him herself so he knows it's okay, that she doesn't mind. She wants to be the anchor, needs to help however she can. The emotional feedback isn't fun but she can handle it, can put up with it for now if it means that she can help him. ] Just concentrate on yourself and what you need, all right?

[ It's not helping, not yet. Maybe if they do it again sometime, maybe, but after this she's not sure she'll ever be willing to bring it up again, not unless it continues to be really bad. She wants to help him, not hurt him further. ] It's not here, though. [ Firm even in the gentleness of it, still watching him closely. ] You're not there. You're home, and you're safe, and nothing is going to touch you here because I'm not going to let it. This is just another enemy, and you're going to beat it like you've beaten every obstacle put in your path.

[ He doesn't really want to focus on himself that much. He's kind of tired of focusing on himself, he feels like a bundle of open nerves - or more like... magnesium, in the air and paying too much attention to them just nicks and scratches at them until he's overexposed and spontaneously ignites in the scrutiny. So when he shakes his head, it's as much about attempting to clear it as it is disagreeing with her assessment. He doesn't need to pay any more attention to himself than he can't help as it is. ]

I'll be fine. I'm always fine, I told you - it cycles. It goes away. It'll still go away. [ And it's as much about convincing himself as anything else.

Right now, he's not so sure about doing it later. That was a little more than he was prepared for. But then, it would have been more than he was prepared for no matter what, if only for the simple reason that he's his lack of preparedness that causes the problem at all. ] Yeah, it'll be - it's good. It's just... Yeah. A lot. Fine. Anything comes up in the next half hour, I'm just gonna sort of hide behind you, you can use the suit okay - J, she can use the suit, override whatever it was. Kindergarten protocol.

[ He's been walking away from his problems for a long time now, and she thinks the lack of self evaluation is probably as much a part of the problem as the traumas now, the refusal to look them square in the face and how he feels about them. But she can't make him, that's something he has to choose to do for himself. ]

It will go away. Eventually, it won't come back. [ He needs to be able to believe that, someday. Probably not yet, but someday hopefully he'll be able to.

She nods at that, calmly, angles herself a little so that she can reach forward and hug him, loose but there. If he doesn't respond to it she'll let go, but she suspects he let go out of self consciousness more than wanting to let go, and this is the easiest way she knows to make it clear she doesn't mind at all. ] You can hide behind me any time you want, suit or not. I've got you.

[ It's probably fairly obvious to any clear-minded outsider that whatever it is that he's normally doing is at the very least not contributing to a solution, and at the most, actively contributing to not finding one. Neither eventuality is at all obvious to Tony himself though, which is sadly wherein the rub lies.

Yeah, the look on his face indicates he's not that convinced that it's going to not come back, that it won't be in this cyclical stage where when it isn't happening, he's simply waiting for whenever it does again.

Okay, the hug... She was right, he pulled away out of self-consciousness. He freezes a little bit, but only for a moment, and then all but melts back into her. It can't be immediately, because he's still deliberating; appearances versus impulse, and impulse wins out (as impulse is wont to do). Impulse is awesome, it's just not helping with any of his actual problems. He's hoping the hug will lessen what isn't at all residual trembling still from before they even got started here. His comments had been more or less in jest, but there's a certain amount of encouragement to be gained from her confirmations regardless. ]

Thank you.

[ It really is fairly obvious, but exactly. The problem isn't noticing that, it's getting him to realize and acknowledge it too and then do something about it. She's not entirely sure how to manage that, but she's going to keep trying until she does.

She runs a hand up and down his back slowly, leans in enough that she can support as much of him as he's willing to let her. The trembling is just tangible under her touch and she closes her eyes, presses herself a little closer. He shouldn't be thanking her, not yet. She hasn't really helped yet. But maybe he feels like he has. Or he's just saying it because she's there, and most of the time nobody's been there. She doesn't know. Regardless of the reasons behind it, he feels like thanking her and she's not going to dismiss that to him because she doesn't feel like she deserves it. ]

Always.

[ Good luck with that. Tony is a master of avoidance, and perhaps best of all, himself.

Gradually, he lets more of his weight rest against her, allows himself to relax with her touch and her presence and accept at least a part of what she's offering here. He keeps trying to reinforce his shielding, but the physical at least, he allows to take what it needs. Her hand along his back helps a bit, the hug a bit more, and gradually he calms down in increments until the totally-not-trembling stops and he genuinely feels a little better.

He has no idea why he's thanking her in particular, just that she's trying to help and he knows what she just did was difficult; that she's here with the aftermath and willing to deal with his issues; that she understands at least to some degree what the problem is and had some sort of idea to counteract it - there are enough uncertain reasons for him to thank her that he doesn't need to know the specifics right now. He can do it anyway just fine without them.

Eventually though, he pulls away again, and it's less out of self-consciousness this time and more just because he felt a little better. Felt like looking her in the face, even if it's just for a moment before his eyes start glancing around the room again. ] It's not that bad. [ In general. And, yes, actually, it is, but it's better than it could be, with her here. ] And you're squishy without a suit, okay, you're gonna get a suit.

[ It's a really good thing Max is hella stubborn and very determined to make sure that Tony's okay. And not just okay now, but on the way to being okay in the long term and without needing anyone else's help to be there.

She makes small smoothing noises as she strokes his back, holds him close until he finally pulls away again. When he looks at her she's calm and steady, watching him back in turn. There's still concern in her eyes and her expression is serious, but it's all worry for him and mixed up with a certainty that she doesn't quite feel enough but is pretending she does.

He's going to be okay. She's going to make sure of that. ] We'll make it better. [ Much better, and then she almost smiles at that, brushes her thumb across his cheek and lets it linger as her face settles back into soft awareness of him and every glance of his eyes. ] Yeah? Okay, I can get a suit and be not squishy if you want me to. That's okay.

[ This is the moment where he's more or less not freaking out that much anymore and not back to normal enough to have slid back under his customary shell of armor and he's not actually all that sure what to do right now between the two states. It's mostly just really uncomfortable in a different way and he's not fond of it but he doesn't want to leave so, okay, he'll just sort of sit here and look at this once spot on the carpet and not go anywhere.

At least now he has a potential project. Making a suit. He's good at making suits. He's made a handful of them already. Here and there, you know how it goes with a hobby.

He lets her touch him without pulling back, although he doesn't make much of a positive reaction either. Still just sort of settling into stillness. He knows the way she's watching him is out of concern and care, but he can't help but feel like he's going to crack in the face of it. Not that it makes much of a difference - he's clearly quite capable of cracking when nobody's looking at him either. ]

No, I need you to. I think. I mean -- [ Nahhhh too much. Just gonna look down again. ]

[ It's okay, she's going to try to avoid to make it more uncomfortable as she can, and mostly she's just going to let her hand linger on him for a bit before brushing down his arm and resting on his hand. Physical reassurance, always, whatever of it she can offer.

And yes, he is as a matter of fact very good at making suits. Just as a general rule it seems. She tilts her head at that, watches him as he looks down and then reaches her hand back to his face, looking to tilt it up a bit. ]

Why do you need me to? [ Because she can't remember him expressing that sentiment before and she wants to know why he is now. ]

[ He resists letting her turn his head for a little while, because he knows that his face and especially his eyes give him away all the time and he doesn't want that, he just needs a little more time, he's already exposed as it is. But then there's no reason not to, and he wants to see her anyway, and he can, okay, turn his head, let her look at his face, just as long as he avoids eye contact. That'll be okay, right? That feels like an okay compromise. ]

I don't mean... It doesn't have to be a - I just. [ Brief exhalation of annoyance. Words. Phrasing things is hard. ] I don't know how else to keep you safe, especially if I'm not going to... be reliable. I don't need you in a suit, I just -- [ need you. Whoops. ]

[ They do give him away all the time, and she needs to see them, wants to understand what it is he's thinking right now. She doesn't know where this particular train of thought came from or why he's suddenly concerned about her squishiness or lack thereof, and he may be avoiding eye contact but she's watching his expression and the dart of his eyes carefully.

She just nods at that first bit, brushes her thumb across his cheek and keeps listening, waits for the moment she understands. And oh. Oh, that's what he means. She's not entirely certain she knows what to do with that. ] We've kept each other safe pretty well so far, haven't we? [ Gentle and soft as she watches him. ] You're not unreliable. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll be safe.

[ He'd really prefer if she didn't. But, hey. There's only so much he can do about that.

Basically, he can feel the revelation hit her, and he turns or curls away a little further from her at the thought of it. He didn't totally mind having the feeling. Letting her know about it? Totally different. He's a little uncomfortable right now, in more ways than one. ] I don't think... I don't feel very reliable. [ But then looking at her. It's important. ] As long as you stay safe. Whatever methodology.

[ Him turning away from her always feels bad, and maybe - maybe that's all she really needs to know about how she feels about him needing her. There's a short pause after his last statement as she meets his gaze, warmth and solemnity in her expression, and then she cups his face in her hands and pushes up on her knees to press her lips against his forehead, sinking back down to rest her forehead against his.

For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]

I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.

[ That's a number of methods of reassurance she's giving him right there, none of which he knows entirely what to do with. He's not sure how he feels, right now. He's not sure how he's feeling, or whether he is at all. It's an uncharacteristically high concentration of not knowing, and he doesn't like it. ]

But you need to be happy too.

[ She's frankly not entirely sure what it is that she's feeling right now either, other than that it is vitally and absolutely important that he understand this, pulling back a little so she can meet his eyes directly, ensure that he sees and feels her absolute sincerity. ]

I am happy. I wasn't before I met you, and now I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.

[ Nnnnn no that's unavoidable and straightforward and a whole host of things that Tony Stark avoids as though he believes it's possible to actually catch the plague from them somehow.

So he looks back at her, cross-checking for signs that she's lying - not to knock her, just... out of habit. Out of a sense of self-preservation that life has seen fit to teach him needs to be employed amongst those who seem to care about you the most. She doesn't seem to be lying, and again, he doesn't know what to do with that. He simply holds her gaze as long as he can, bolsters his wavering shields as long as he can, and drops the former before the latter too, comes crashing down. ]

Okay.

[ She holds his gaze steadily until he looks away, and then she drops her own and breathes out because she actually wasn't really sure what the reaction to saying that would be and she's still not really sure and part of her is terrified that sharing something means an end to things, means the other person can't take it anymore. But. ]

I'm not - you don't owe me happiness, and it's not your responsibility. [ That's important, too, she knows. ] But you do make me happy.

[ There's a whole lot about all of these moments between them that are more or less composed purely out of avoidance and not interacting, so it's hilarious that they all seem to happen near each other. He hasn't taken it poorly. Not yet. He just hasn't really taken it that well either. He's not sure how he's supposed to take it at all. ]

I owe you something. Might as well be. [ Mumbled, because he's not looking at her anymore. That last part - well. He's slightly incredulous, but he doesn't say anything about it. ]

[ She shakes her head immediately, ducks her head so that she can still meet his eyes because if that was important this is much, much more so. This is incredibly important. ]

You don't owe me anything. You will never owe me anything. [ She has to ensure that he knows this, because she can't let him think that. It's not all right. ] I promise.

[ She has an odd insistence on eye contact that he both enjoys being forced into and loathes being forced to reveal through. It's a good barometer for when she feels like a point needs to be made, but more often than not she's making points when he feels the most evasive, and it just results in a mildly unpleasant feeling of being cornered by someone you care about. ]

I don't mind - it's a good thing. Something to work for. If I didn't owe you anything, you'd just be somebody else. [ Which is a weird way to put it, but it's a point of his own in return. If he owes her, she has a concrete reason to be here. Or at least, more of one than not. He's owed the most important people in his life things, it's not something he takes lightly. ]

[ It's easier both to see what he's really thinking or feeling through his eyes, not to mention that she finds that it helps to reinforce her point if he can see her. If he can see that she means what she's saying. Except right now he's not taking it, he's insisting and she doesn't know what to do with that because she doesn't want this to be about owing. She can't take anything from him because he thinks he owes it to her. She just can't. ]

I don't want - obligation. You don't have to give me anything. [ She doesn't know how else to say it herself, or how to say that she doesn't know how to accept his points because she can't take things unless she's positive they were given absolutely freely. ]

[ Yeah it sounds like... They have a problem, since exactly what he wants here is what she specifically doesn't want. He's not totally sure what to do now either. ]

Okay. I mean, uh, you've shown that. I know that. I knew that. [ Maybe it'll work better if he just continues to operate as he has been, but without telling her the reasons. He can totally keep acting under debt and repayment and tell her something entirely different about the whole process. ] That's fine.

Edited (fuck it i didn't like it still i edit what i want) 2013-05-18 23:32 (UTC)

[ There's a short pause, weighing his words and the way he's holding his body and everything she can catalogue of his emotions. It's inconclusive. She's not entirely certain what she should be concluding from this moment. ]

I just - I need it to be because you want to. [ Not out of that sense of debt, or an idea of repayment. Neither of which she would entirely get if she realized, because she's never considered even the possibility that he owes her a damn thing. Not after everything he's done for her. ]

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wtf i hit enter when I KNEW that i wasn't finished writing.

your fingers jumped ahead of you in the timestream a little is all