fe_male | memeboxing

[ He's totally not looking at her. He's looking in her direction, but he's not looking at her anymore. He's almost not looking at anything, but if one were to pick what he was looking at, it would be precisely what she knows he's looking at: memories. He's not flipping out, not remotely. In fact, he seems to sort of be checking out, not as in going unconscious but just retreating because dear god no this can't be happening again and intellectually he knows that it's not but nearly everything physical is telling him shit yes it is and that's just not a contradiction he can handle right now. His hands are sort of stuck in place where they drifted back down a little, hovering, and he looks worried, but a little less so than a few seconds ago.

Which really isn't fair, because this is to fix what's wrong with his brain, and if his brain just sort of decides it doesn't want to be present for this, then what's the point of it? This is a thought he'll have later; right now he's not thinking a whole lot - just fractures and fragments from memories. ]

[ Right now it doesn't feel much like she's helping at all, even as she tries to put her mind in between his and the memories a little, shield him from some of it. If she can dull the memories, make them less of an issue, perhaps that will help. Maybe.

She pulls her hands away a moment before the time would have been up anyways, slides them up to cradle his face and put herself directly in his field of vision, trying to keep the concern off of her face. ] Tony. Look at me. Look at me, you're here.

[ It helps a bit. It takes the edge off them, but doesn't make them look any more distant. They're far too un-dealt-with for that, but the tiny tiny buffer she creates is what helps her slip in between them just enough for him to start pulling back from them.

When she lets go though, this time he doesn't gasp so much as just take in a big breath of air, still clearly not entirely back until she's right in front of him, even then not until his eyes finally catch hers and stay there, staring but coming back, until he's blinking a lot and breaking eye contact again but at least with the benefit of being back in the right moment. And if he's a little shaky (trembly), he can't really be blamed for that, right? ]

I think that's good for today. [ And it's a good thing she's so close, or she probably wouldn't have heard it. ]

[ She nods firmly, catches her breath along with him (less because she needs to and more because she can feel his need to). ]

Yes, I think so. That's all. [ It's all she'd be willing to do today without more visible indication of progress from it, as well as she thinks from what his mind just did all he can do without his mind just separating itself from it. It does negate the point a little, even if it's a coping mechanism she recognizes intimately. ] What do you need?

A minute. [ Shaking his head a little bit. He doesn't need anything else. He doesn't want anything else. Not right now. He just wants to sit calmly and slowly be positive that he's actually where he thinks he is, because it's not like he didn't check out there a few times as well.

But she's here, and that's different. He can't replicate her calming influence or the pressure of her hands and the way his senses are quietly running background checks and ensuring that everything is being responded to appropriately through cross-checks and double checks and every kind of check they can think of. You can lie to yourself, and delude yourself, but there's only so much you can do even in that respect, because there's no way to ever account for all of the variables. ] Just one. I'll be fine, I'm good. How are you, did I ask that yet?

Okay. As many minutes as you want. [ She can't offer a great deal, but she can smooth her fingers over his cheekbones, down along his arms and to stroke the back of his hands for a moment before she cradles his face again, reassurance in any physical way she can offer it and in her mind close, seeking to put herself between him and his memories.

The checks and the cross-checks, she can't speed that up or help this place be more real to him through anything but her presence. She can only hope that helps enough. ] I'm fine, I promise, you don't need to worry about me. Just remembering where you are, okay? [ Because she knows spacing out, knows the fear that you're actually back there and not here, that your mind is just putting you somewhere better temporarily. She doesn't want him to have to think that. ]

[ It's helpful, actually, the touch. It's more helpful than it probably has any real right to be, and if he were anyone less than Tony Stark he would probably be clinging to it far more obviously than he is already. As it stands, he gradually leans into her a little more, the more he feels convinced of the setting the more he allows the setting to convince him. ]

I'm right here. [ And if that's said almost as much to convince himself as it is to convince her that he's really okay, then so be it. He can probably handle that right now, so long as some convincing actually happens. ] Right here, you're here. I'm where you are, and you're okay, you're safe, so I'm-- [ Transitive property, right? He loves that one. It lets you get away with so much. In theory. ]

[ She's been avoiding leaning in too closely with the rest of her body so that she doesn't crowd him, but when he leans into her touch she rests her forehead against his, safe and nonthreatening but still helpful, hopefully. ]

We're in the bedroom. I think JARVIS is mad at me because your vitals have been confusing him. [ She can just keep giving him information if necessary. Whatever it takes. ] You're safe, nothing's going to happen to you. I promise. [ She doesn't make promises lightly, but this one she means thoroughly. If anyone tried to make that one a lie it would not end well for them. ] I'm proud of you.

JARVIS hates the reactor for that enough as it is, he doesn't need to hate you too. [ That's more or less to JARVIS, just to ensure that there's no hate amongst his favourite things, right?

But he has to agree, his vitals are insane right now. Heart so fast it's irregular beats are noisy and the norm. Adrenaline pumping for no reason, no where to go but around and adound. Everything feels weird. Especially his mouth, his tongue, his throat, his hands; he can't.

He tunes back in enough to hear that she's proud of him, and that.

That.

Just by itself, that nearly breaks him. Actually it does break him, and where he's gone to lean into her he does so more, quietly keeping his emotions to himself as much as he can but goddamn it's like every buzzword in his life at once and he can't always handle it.

His voice is thick, deep with concern and grief, but hoarse with work and other things, and he's just going to stay where he is for a moment or two. ]Nothing happened.

He'll be fine as soon as they even out, probably. JARVIS likes me.

[ She's tracking all of them she can keep a hand or an eye on, suddenly regretting that she doesn't have the Sentinel's ability set right now. JARVIS is a good substitute in some ways and he's pretty dedicated to making sure things are all right, but she'd still rather be able to be certain entirely on her own senses. She'll let the computer equipped for it handle the vital signs right now, though, concentrate on the emotion herself. And there's plenty of that.

She slides her hands down to his back and pulls him into a loose hug, still plenty of space and ability to get out if he needs it but she doesn't feel like she's providing him enough shelter right now, not with the feelings coming off of him. Maybe nothing would be quite enough shelter.

When she speaks, it's soft but utterly sure. ] You're still here.

[ It takes him a little while to realize that he's probably sending out way, way more than he means to be right now - he's putting too much energy into containing just his physical reaction and the emotions themselves, and it's still not quite a knee-jerk response for him to remember to shield appropriately. The basics, sure, but not enough to actually guard for a nearby Guide who's as invested in all of this as she is. Where he had been hugging her back, almost greedily, because again, she's the anchor, that's it, he pulls away again with the realization, trying to snap them back up the way they ought to be. ] Sorry, I - not supposed to happen like that.

[ He uses the distance to wipe at his face, just in case he needs to, he can't really tell. Everything's on overload and nothing's registering properly, still caught up in things that aren't happening and memories that have. ] This doesn't. This feels worse, this isn't better. It's just closer now. Just... It's all here again.

Shhh, no, it's okay. It's fine, I'm okay. [ She doesn't let him pull away entirely, keeps her hands resting loosely on his legs and leans in towards him herself so he knows it's okay, that she doesn't mind. She wants to be the anchor, needs to help however she can. The emotional feedback isn't fun but she can handle it, can put up with it for now if it means that she can help him. ] Just concentrate on yourself and what you need, all right?

[ It's not helping, not yet. Maybe if they do it again sometime, maybe, but after this she's not sure she'll ever be willing to bring it up again, not unless it continues to be really bad. She wants to help him, not hurt him further. ] It's not here, though. [ Firm even in the gentleness of it, still watching him closely. ] You're not there. You're home, and you're safe, and nothing is going to touch you here because I'm not going to let it. This is just another enemy, and you're going to beat it like you've beaten every obstacle put in your path.

[ He doesn't really want to focus on himself that much. He's kind of tired of focusing on himself, he feels like a bundle of open nerves - or more like... magnesium, in the air and paying too much attention to them just nicks and scratches at them until he's overexposed and spontaneously ignites in the scrutiny. So when he shakes his head, it's as much about attempting to clear it as it is disagreeing with her assessment. He doesn't need to pay any more attention to himself than he can't help as it is. ]

I'll be fine. I'm always fine, I told you - it cycles. It goes away. It'll still go away. [ And it's as much about convincing himself as anything else.

Right now, he's not so sure about doing it later. That was a little more than he was prepared for. But then, it would have been more than he was prepared for no matter what, if only for the simple reason that he's his lack of preparedness that causes the problem at all. ] Yeah, it'll be - it's good. It's just... Yeah. A lot. Fine. Anything comes up in the next half hour, I'm just gonna sort of hide behind you, you can use the suit okay - J, she can use the suit, override whatever it was. Kindergarten protocol.

[ He's been walking away from his problems for a long time now, and she thinks the lack of self evaluation is probably as much a part of the problem as the traumas now, the refusal to look them square in the face and how he feels about them. But she can't make him, that's something he has to choose to do for himself. ]

It will go away. Eventually, it won't come back. [ He needs to be able to believe that, someday. Probably not yet, but someday hopefully he'll be able to.

She nods at that, calmly, angles herself a little so that she can reach forward and hug him, loose but there. If he doesn't respond to it she'll let go, but she suspects he let go out of self consciousness more than wanting to let go, and this is the easiest way she knows to make it clear she doesn't mind at all. ] You can hide behind me any time you want, suit or not. I've got you.

[ It's probably fairly obvious to any clear-minded outsider that whatever it is that he's normally doing is at the very least not contributing to a solution, and at the most, actively contributing to not finding one. Neither eventuality is at all obvious to Tony himself though, which is sadly wherein the rub lies.

Yeah, the look on his face indicates he's not that convinced that it's going to not come back, that it won't be in this cyclical stage where when it isn't happening, he's simply waiting for whenever it does again.

Okay, the hug... She was right, he pulled away out of self-consciousness. He freezes a little bit, but only for a moment, and then all but melts back into her. It can't be immediately, because he's still deliberating; appearances versus impulse, and impulse wins out (as impulse is wont to do). Impulse is awesome, it's just not helping with any of his actual problems. He's hoping the hug will lessen what isn't at all residual trembling still from before they even got started here. His comments had been more or less in jest, but there's a certain amount of encouragement to be gained from her confirmations regardless. ]

Thank you.

[ It really is fairly obvious, but exactly. The problem isn't noticing that, it's getting him to realize and acknowledge it too and then do something about it. She's not entirely sure how to manage that, but she's going to keep trying until she does.

She runs a hand up and down his back slowly, leans in enough that she can support as much of him as he's willing to let her. The trembling is just tangible under her touch and she closes her eyes, presses herself a little closer. He shouldn't be thanking her, not yet. She hasn't really helped yet. But maybe he feels like he has. Or he's just saying it because she's there, and most of the time nobody's been there. She doesn't know. Regardless of the reasons behind it, he feels like thanking her and she's not going to dismiss that to him because she doesn't feel like she deserves it. ]

Always.

[ Good luck with that. Tony is a master of avoidance, and perhaps best of all, himself.

Gradually, he lets more of his weight rest against her, allows himself to relax with her touch and her presence and accept at least a part of what she's offering here. He keeps trying to reinforce his shielding, but the physical at least, he allows to take what it needs. Her hand along his back helps a bit, the hug a bit more, and gradually he calms down in increments until the totally-not-trembling stops and he genuinely feels a little better.

He has no idea why he's thanking her in particular, just that she's trying to help and he knows what she just did was difficult; that she's here with the aftermath and willing to deal with his issues; that she understands at least to some degree what the problem is and had some sort of idea to counteract it - there are enough uncertain reasons for him to thank her that he doesn't need to know the specifics right now. He can do it anyway just fine without them.

Eventually though, he pulls away again, and it's less out of self-consciousness this time and more just because he felt a little better. Felt like looking her in the face, even if it's just for a moment before his eyes start glancing around the room again. ] It's not that bad. [ In general. And, yes, actually, it is, but it's better than it could be, with her here. ] And you're squishy without a suit, okay, you're gonna get a suit.

[ It's a really good thing Max is hella stubborn and very determined to make sure that Tony's okay. And not just okay now, but on the way to being okay in the long term and without needing anyone else's help to be there.

She makes small smoothing noises as she strokes his back, holds him close until he finally pulls away again. When he looks at her she's calm and steady, watching him back in turn. There's still concern in her eyes and her expression is serious, but it's all worry for him and mixed up with a certainty that she doesn't quite feel enough but is pretending she does.

He's going to be okay. She's going to make sure of that. ] We'll make it better. [ Much better, and then she almost smiles at that, brushes her thumb across his cheek and lets it linger as her face settles back into soft awareness of him and every glance of his eyes. ] Yeah? Okay, I can get a suit and be not squishy if you want me to. That's okay.

[ This is the moment where he's more or less not freaking out that much anymore and not back to normal enough to have slid back under his customary shell of armor and he's not actually all that sure what to do right now between the two states. It's mostly just really uncomfortable in a different way and he's not fond of it but he doesn't want to leave so, okay, he'll just sort of sit here and look at this once spot on the carpet and not go anywhere.

At least now he has a potential project. Making a suit. He's good at making suits. He's made a handful of them already. Here and there, you know how it goes with a hobby.

He lets her touch him without pulling back, although he doesn't make much of a positive reaction either. Still just sort of settling into stillness. He knows the way she's watching him is out of concern and care, but he can't help but feel like he's going to crack in the face of it. Not that it makes much of a difference - he's clearly quite capable of cracking when nobody's looking at him either. ]

No, I need you to. I think. I mean -- [ Nahhhh too much. Just gonna look down again. ]

[ It's okay, she's going to try to avoid to make it more uncomfortable as she can, and mostly she's just going to let her hand linger on him for a bit before brushing down his arm and resting on his hand. Physical reassurance, always, whatever of it she can offer.

And yes, he is as a matter of fact very good at making suits. Just as a general rule it seems. She tilts her head at that, watches him as he looks down and then reaches her hand back to his face, looking to tilt it up a bit. ]

Why do you need me to? [ Because she can't remember him expressing that sentiment before and she wants to know why he is now. ]

[ He resists letting her turn his head for a little while, because he knows that his face and especially his eyes give him away all the time and he doesn't want that, he just needs a little more time, he's already exposed as it is. But then there's no reason not to, and he wants to see her anyway, and he can, okay, turn his head, let her look at his face, just as long as he avoids eye contact. That'll be okay, right? That feels like an okay compromise. ]

I don't mean... It doesn't have to be a - I just. [ Brief exhalation of annoyance. Words. Phrasing things is hard. ] I don't know how else to keep you safe, especially if I'm not going to... be reliable. I don't need you in a suit, I just -- [ need you. Whoops. ]

[ They do give him away all the time, and she needs to see them, wants to understand what it is he's thinking right now. She doesn't know where this particular train of thought came from or why he's suddenly concerned about her squishiness or lack thereof, and he may be avoiding eye contact but she's watching his expression and the dart of his eyes carefully.

She just nods at that first bit, brushes her thumb across his cheek and keeps listening, waits for the moment she understands. And oh. Oh, that's what he means. She's not entirely certain she knows what to do with that. ] We've kept each other safe pretty well so far, haven't we? [ Gentle and soft as she watches him. ] You're not unreliable. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll be safe.

[ He'd really prefer if she didn't. But, hey. There's only so much he can do about that.

Basically, he can feel the revelation hit her, and he turns or curls away a little further from her at the thought of it. He didn't totally mind having the feeling. Letting her know about it? Totally different. He's a little uncomfortable right now, in more ways than one. ] I don't think... I don't feel very reliable. [ But then looking at her. It's important. ] As long as you stay safe. Whatever methodology.

[ Him turning away from her always feels bad, and maybe - maybe that's all she really needs to know about how she feels about him needing her. There's a short pause after his last statement as she meets his gaze, warmth and solemnity in her expression, and then she cups his face in her hands and pushes up on her knees to press her lips against his forehead, sinking back down to rest her forehead against his.

For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]

I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.

[ That's a number of methods of reassurance she's giving him right there, none of which he knows entirely what to do with. He's not sure how he feels, right now. He's not sure how he's feeling, or whether he is at all. It's an uncharacteristically high concentration of not knowing, and he doesn't like it. ]

But you need to be happy too.

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