[ She can take a guess as to why he can't calm down entirely, and another one as to why he felt like this in the first place. It's not one that he's going to enjoy her making, she thinks, but she has fairly significant experience with PTSD, both in herself and in the others around her. ] I think you had a panic attack. [ Watching him carefully, still evaluating. ] Going from what I felt when I got back.
[ Yeah she's right he doesn't like that diagnosis. He stops moving for a second, juice box paused mid-air, and then continues on like nothing happened. ] No, I don't, I don't think that was it. I've never had those before, I don't panic. That's dumb, why would I have a panic attack in my own house? There wasn't - nothing was happening.
Nothing has to be happening. [ She shrugs, talks as casually as she can and without watching him too closely. ] It felt a lot like one. It happens to a lot of people who've had major stress in their lives recently.
[ He still doesn't like this suggestion. ] Me? [ What does he have to be stressed about? Beyond running a multi-billion dollar company, being head of R&D for the same company, working on a team full of super-heroes, having other... things going on. He can't imagine why she would say he's had major stress in his life recently. ] I don't think that was it.
[ Yes, when you put it like that it doesn't sound like he's ever had anything to be stressed in. Add in PTSD and having recently narrowly escaped with his life from a traumatic battle and it's like there's zero reasons for him to not be a totally normally functioning person. ] Then what do you think it was? [ There's no judgment or argument in it, because she thinks that wouldn't go over well. ]
[ Aaaaaaaand that's where he falters, because he has no idea what it was - he thinks he said that, a few minutes ago, maybe he didn't, he's not actually sure - he just knows that he's viscerally opposed to the idea of it being... what she's saying it is. For the reasons he gave her earlier, the most prominent of which being both 'me' and 'that's dumb'. Great reasons. ] A twinge of cosmic angst? [ And where the hell did he pull that from? A childhood of sci-fi and fantasy and that's what he comes up with? At least it's self contained, fairly short. But he knows it's not going to fly, so he just takes another long draw from his juicebox. Unfortunately, it's a juice box, it doesn't have more than one long draw in it, so he winds up making that horrible gurgly sound and just tosses the empty thing across the floor so he can rest his forehead on his palm instead, elbow on the arm of the couch. ]
[ He did, which is in part why she asked him again actually. Yeah, not really fair, she knows. But she feels fairly certain she has the diagnosis right, so she's not interesting in coming up with fake answers to give him. Mostly right now she's worried about the future, and the past. Panic attacks rarely come singly - either he's going to continue to have them, or he's been having them, or both. And if he's been having them, how on earth did she miss it? She needs to find it. ] I have literally no idea what that means. [ Deadpan and matter-of-fact. She doesn't want to force him into facing any ideas, but she's not going to let him get away with bullshit here either. It's hard to fix something you won't admit is a problem.
She waits a moment after that gesture, holds her own mostly untouched one in front of him and settles her free hand on his back, running it up and down. ] It's going to be okay, Tony. I'm right here and it's over. You're going to be okay.
[ He wants to shrug off the contact this time, suppresses the flinch at the initial point of it and then doesn't move when it continues, because he knows she's trying to help. He doesn't want to make her feel bad for trying to help, even if he really doesn't feel like personal contact all of a sudden. He just keeps his face more or less hidden by his hand, resting his weight on the arm of the couch. The first thing he'd said had been a deflection, a poor one, and they both know it, so he doesn't bother following it up with an explanation. He's quiet for a while after her last words though, because he can't tell how he feels about them. He doesn't not believe them, but he's not sure he can take them at their fellow words, either.
It's a little while like that before he replies, still looking more or less at the ground and definitely without looking at her. His shields have been gradually rebuilding since she calmed him down enough to start working on them, and right now they're holding fairly well. Well enough for him to say the next thing without too much worry, not that he thinks she would do anything like that intentionally anyway. ]
I'm not. It's happened before. Last time I was out - not here. Flew it off until J overrode my auto-pilot override and brought me home, the asshole. By then I was calm enough to take care of it myself. How do you stop it?
[ She just waits, hand eventually stilling on his shoulder as she breathes and just settles, solid and still. That he's not trying to keep up the deflection is at least a good sign. It means he's not putting energy into dodging that there even is a problem, which means that there's more energy to be put into fixing the problem that there is.
Except - it's happened before, it has, and she didn't notice. She nods slowly, still listening, and then just stops still at the last bit. How do you stop it? ]
I'm not sure. Some people take medication. I meditate a lot. Everyone's different.
[ Well, he did actively try and keep it from her, so she probably shouldn't feel too bad about it. It scared him - that's what he does with things that scare him. He pretends they don't exist, more or less. Or he turns them into triumphs and kicks their ass instead. This isn't really something he can do the latter with, so the former it is.
Also yeah he doesn't like that answer either, although his response this time is more of a bitter snort. ] Yeah, that'll work. [ That's probably mildly insulting to her, even though he means 'that won't work for me specifically', but he's not thinking like that right now. He's just getting quiet again. ] So it just. Stays. You live with it.
[ She will probably never stop being slightly mad at herself when she finds out that Tony's still not quite able to tell her when things are wrong or if something's scaring him, because she feels like she should be able to convince him of this, should be able to make him see that she can help, that she wants to help. But she never can quite, so for now she just curbs down that instinctive response and sighs a little.
Because. Well. Yeah. ] There's ways to make it easier, and it doesn't necessarily last forever. Mine are really infrequent now. [ But that's the most she can offer him, because she doesn't know anyone who's managed to get rid of them entirely. Sometimes she thinks she has, but never quite. ] And I'm here. Whenever.
[ That gets his attention. That gives him hope beyond basically anything else so far beyond whatever it was she told him so he could initially calm down, because it's just clicked with something she said a few moments ago. ]
[ She just shrugs at first, trying to consider how to phrase it. She doesn't want him to think he should have noticed at some point, or to think that she's been actively hiding it, it's just that she's become as good as possible at keeping them unnoticeable. Weakness shown in front of others is power given to them that she has never been willing to hand over. ]
Sometimes. Not usually, anymore. Like I said, it can improve.
[ The whole 'how did i not notice that' thing will hit him once he stops being quite so self-centred and starts to really mull it over. As it is, he's not that phased by it. Just considering. ]
[ She'd prefer it not hit him at all, okay, that would be fine. He can just skim over that part of things and go into the she might be able to help him side of things. That's fine. ]
Deep breathing exercises. Alcohol, sometimes, when there's not reasons not to. There's some thought type exercises that can help a little. [ This short pause, and then she rests her hands on her knees, palms up. ] Nothing makes it stop. But they can help make it a little easier.
[ He listens to this impassively, considering what she's saying and weighing each option against himself and whether or not he thinks it will work. He's not sure how to approach his own issues at all, but he's always been a fairly active person on the whole. ]
[ A wave of her hand, almost dismissive, because her coping mechanisms have never been all that sophisticated and she feels a little weird trying to pass them on. ]
I got - small spaces, for a long time. Darkness. Being too surrounded. [ A pause, considering. ] A lot of things, really. So I used to close my eyes and remember something from when I was younger. [ Happy. ] I have a photographic memory, so I would go into the memory and count groups in the room. How many green things. How many plastic ones. It was fairly specific to how my brain works.
[ She's - well, yeah, she's actually fairly functional right now, something which always surprises her a little bit upon realization but is nevertheless true. But she knew that wouldn't be entirely helpful for him. ]
Kind of is. I think you might get more out of deep breathing routines. They're more universal.
Deep breathing? [ Like, 'deep breath in, hold it, deep breath out'? That sounds deceptively simple. He doubts it. He and breathing have a complicated relationship sometimes. ] Is that exactly what it sounds like?
It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like, yeah. [ She frowns, runs a hand across her face as she tries to figure out how to explain why it works. ] Breathing tends to be one of the biggest problems during a panic attack of any kind. If you've done a lot of regular breathing exercises, you can use that familiarity to force yourself into the zone of one of them and it can help snap you out a little bit. Give you a bit more control.
No, I mean, that something like breathing is something that can help. With all of everything else. That's irritating. [ So he may or may not likely be the best patient right now. He's not really in a receiving type mood. ]
Yeah, well. No one's ever accused the brain of making decisions rationally. [ It's ok, she doesn't really expect him to be. They'll just keep going, however long it takes and whatever reassurance or support he needs. ]
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She waits a moment after that gesture, holds her own mostly untouched one in front of him and settles her free hand on his back, running it up and down. ] It's going to be okay, Tony. I'm right here and it's over. You're going to be okay.
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It's a little while like that before he replies, still looking more or less at the ground and definitely without looking at her. His shields have been gradually rebuilding since she calmed him down enough to start working on them, and right now they're holding fairly well. Well enough for him to say the next thing without too much worry, not that he thinks she would do anything like that intentionally anyway. ]
I'm not. It's happened before. Last time I was out - not here. Flew it off until J overrode my auto-pilot override and brought me home, the asshole. By then I was calm enough to take care of it myself. How do you stop it?
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Except - it's happened before, it has, and she didn't notice. She nods slowly, still listening, and then just stops still at the last bit. How do you stop it? ]
I'm not sure. Some people take medication. I meditate a lot. Everyone's different.
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Also yeah he doesn't like that answer either, although his response this time is more of a bitter snort. ] Yeah, that'll work. [ That's probably mildly insulting to her, even though he means 'that won't work for me specifically', but he's not thinking like that right now. He's just getting quiet again. ] So it just. Stays. You live with it.
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Because. Well. Yeah. ] There's ways to make it easier, and it doesn't necessarily last forever. Mine are really infrequent now. [ But that's the most she can offer him, because she doesn't know anyone who's managed to get rid of them entirely. Sometimes she thinks she has, but never quite. ] And I'm here. Whenever.
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I didn't know you had them. This bad?
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Sometimes. Not usually, anymore. Like I said, it can improve.
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What else do you do?
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Deep breathing exercises. Alcohol, sometimes, when there's not reasons not to. There's some thought type exercises that can help a little. [ This short pause, and then she rests her hands on her knees, palms up. ] Nothing makes it stop. But they can help make it a little easier.
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Thought type exercises? How do you do those?
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I got - small spaces, for a long time. Darkness. Being too surrounded. [ A pause, considering. ] A lot of things, really. So I used to close my eyes and remember something from when I was younger. [ Happy. ] I have a photographic memory, so I would go into the memory and count groups in the room. How many green things. How many plastic ones. It was fairly specific to how my brain works.
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But yeah that doesn't sound like it would work much for him. He's glad it did for her, but it doesn't help him out right now at all. ] Sounds boring.
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Kind of is. I think you might get more out of deep breathing routines. They're more universal.
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That's really irritating.
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It's definitely not exciting, that's true. But not irritating. Generally the opposite of irritating, for me.
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