memeboxing

[fe_male]

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[fe_male]

[ Well, he did actively try and keep it from her, so she probably shouldn't feel too bad about it. It scared him - that's what he does with things that scare him. He pretends they don't exist, more or less. Or he turns them into triumphs and kicks their ass instead. This isn't really something he can do the latter with, so the former it is.

Also yeah he doesn't like that answer either, although his response this time is more of a bitter snort. ] Yeah, that'll work. [ That's probably mildly insulting to her, even though he means 'that won't work for me specifically', but he's not thinking like that right now. He's just getting quiet again. ] So it just. Stays. You live with it.

[motherofnemesis]

[ She will probably never stop being slightly mad at herself when she finds out that Tony's still not quite able to tell her when things are wrong or if something's scaring him, because she feels like she should be able to convince him of this, should be able to make him see that she can help, that she wants to help. But she never can quite, so for now she just curbs down that instinctive response and sighs a little.

Because. Well. Yeah. ] There's ways to make it easier, and it doesn't necessarily last forever. Mine are really infrequent now. [ But that's the most she can offer him, because she doesn't know anyone who's managed to get rid of them entirely. Sometimes she thinks she has, but never quite. ] And I'm here. Whenever.

[fe_male]

[ That gets his attention. That gives him hope beyond basically anything else so far beyond whatever it was she told him so he could initially calm down, because it's just clicked with something she said a few moments ago. ]

I didn't know you had them. This bad?

[motherofnemesis]

[ She just shrugs at first, trying to consider how to phrase it. She doesn't want him to think he should have noticed at some point, or to think that she's been actively hiding it, it's just that she's become as good as possible at keeping them unnoticeable. Weakness shown in front of others is power given to them that she has never been willing to hand over. ]

Sometimes. Not usually, anymore. Like I said, it can improve.

[fe_male]

[ The whole 'how did i not notice that' thing will hit him once he stops being quite so self-centred and starts to really mull it over. As it is, he's not that phased by it. Just considering. ]

What else do you do?

[motherofnemesis]

[ She'd prefer it not hit him at all, okay, that would be fine. He can just skim over that part of things and go into the she might be able to help him side of things. That's fine. ]

Deep breathing exercises. Alcohol, sometimes, when there's not reasons not to. There's some thought type exercises that can help a little. [ This short pause, and then she rests her hands on her knees, palms up. ] Nothing makes it stop. But they can help make it a little easier.

[fe_male]

[ He listens to this impassively, considering what she's saying and weighing each option against himself and whether or not he thinks it will work. He's not sure how to approach his own issues at all, but he's always been a fairly active person on the whole. ]

Thought type exercises? How do you do those?

[motherofnemesis]

[ A wave of her hand, almost dismissive, because her coping mechanisms have never been all that sophisticated and she feels a little weird trying to pass them on. ]

I got - small spaces, for a long time. Darkness. Being too surrounded. [ A pause, considering. ] A lot of things, really. So I used to close my eyes and remember something from when I was younger. [ Happy. ] I have a photographic memory, so I would go into the memory and count groups in the room. How many green things. How many plastic ones. It was fairly specific to how my brain works.

[fe_male]

[ He's really just looking for a place to start. He doesn't know how to begin with all of this, and she seems to be pretty functional.

But yeah that doesn't sound like it would work much for him. He's glad it did for her, but it doesn't help him out right now at all. ] Sounds boring.

[motherofnemesis]

[ She's - well, yeah, she's actually fairly functional right now, something which always surprises her a little bit upon realization but is nevertheless true. But she knew that wouldn't be entirely helpful for him. ]

Kind of is. I think you might get more out of deep breathing routines. They're more universal.

[fe_male]

Deep breathing? [ Like, 'deep breath in, hold it, deep breath out'? That sounds deceptively simple. He doubts it. He and breathing have a complicated relationship sometimes. ] Is that exactly what it sounds like?

[motherofnemesis]

It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like, yeah. [ She frowns, runs a hand across her face as she tries to figure out how to explain why it works. ] Breathing tends to be one of the biggest problems during a panic attack of any kind. If you've done a lot of regular breathing exercises, you can use that familiarity to force yourself into the zone of one of them and it can help snap you out a little bit. Give you a bit more control.

[fe_male]

[ ...Okay that makes sense. He's annoyed that that makes a lot of sense. ]

That's really irritating.

[motherofnemesis]

[ She lifts her shoulders in a slow shrug, expression wry. ]

It's definitely not exciting, that's true. But not irritating. Generally the opposite of irritating, for me.

[fe_male]

No, I mean, that something like breathing is something that can help. With all of everything else. That's irritating. [ So he may or may not likely be the best patient right now. He's not really in a receiving type mood. ]

[motherofnemesis]

Yeah, well. No one's ever accused the brain of making decisions rationally. [ It's ok, she doesn't really expect him to be. They'll just keep going, however long it takes and whatever reassurance or support he needs. ]

[fe_male]

[ How nice of her. He'll appreciate that eventually, probably. ] That, too, is highly irritating.

[motherofnemesis]

[ She doesn't need the appreciation. What she needs, really, is to be able to help him. That's about it. ] Basically. But it stands anyways.

[fe_male]

[ Deep breath. Or big sigh, depends on how you look at it. ] Yeah, okay.

[motherofnemesis]

[ A long pause, just searching his face. ] What do you need, right now?

[fe_male]

Why do you always ask me that? I don't know. I get up and avoid it because I don't know. I need distractions, but those aren't - they're short-term. [ He finally looks at her again, for a little bit. He's never actually dealt with anything before, Max. His parents died, he drank and worked. Kidnapped, betrayed, tortured, he transformed himself into a superhero and didn't look back at all. Dying by his own hand, as many other risks as he can possibly take, even pushing away people who would have made him try to deal with it. He's never had to handle it, and never did because he didn't know how and nobody told him, 'Step one, you gotta -' And because he didn't know, he never did, and he never did because he didn't know, and now it's as self-sustaining as this tower in NYC. ]

[motherofnemesis]

Because I want to give it to you. [ Simply, and then with a little more carefulness to it. ] You're right, they're short term. If I found a therapist, would you talk to them? [ Because she can help, sure, she can try to sort through everything and reconcile him with it, but she's not a professional and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger. Then again, sometimes not. ] Running away doesn't work. Not in the end. You have to face it head-on.

[fe_male]

[ He quiets again, because he doesn't understand why she wants to do that so badly either. There's too much about all of this that doesn't make sense, that can't be predicted and derived and broken down into components and recrafted in the shape of something better, and it pisses him off.

And now he's looking away again. ] I don't know. Maybe. I sort of doubt it. I had more fun fucking around with the last shrink I went to than talking to them.

[motherofnemesis]

[ It's because she cares, Tony, that part's really very simple. She might not always be good at specifically articulating it, but that's always why she wants to help.

She doesn't try to chase his gaze, just stays firmly seated and there should he choose to look back, watching him but not demanding his eyes. ] If it was just us talking, would you do the same to me?

[fe_male]

[ But that doesn't make sense. ]

Please. Like I have the energy to lie to you. It never works anyway. Case in point.

[ Okay that was maybe a little... It's still not you Max, he's just. Displeased. This is quieter. ] Are we finished with this room? We can keep - talking, whatever. I just wanna get a washcloth. Clean up some still.