memeboxing

[fe_male]

Comments

accept that you're a wonderful person and ily

[motherofnemesis]

[ When he's not hiding he seems to be doing approximately the exact opposite, so. There's that. She nods a little, something close to a smile on her face but not quite managing to break through her solemn seriousness. ] Yeah, you are. What do you think needs saying?

but

[fe_male]

I don't know what needs saying, it's why I don't talk to people.

no buts. you really are fantastic.

[motherofnemesis]

Then start with why. [ Quiet and soft, watching him closely still. ] Start with why you should be talking to someone.

[fe_male]

[ 'Why'. Why is half the problem, isn't it?

It is a very long while before he talks again, and when he does it's mumbled. Again. ]

I have nightmares. And sometimes I wake up and don't know where I am.

[motherofnemesis]

[ She waits, quiet and as open as she can make herself, not demanding his gaze or doing anything but being, quiet and steady. ]

Where do you think you are? [ Slow, leading questions. Baby steps to the problems. ]

[fe_male]

It doesn't last long. It's - I mean, a few seconds. It's not the same every time. Shifts back and forth.

[motherofnemesis]

Okay. When does it happen? [ Down the list of questions, searching for ways to understand. ]

[fe_male]

When I wake up, I just said that.

[motherofnemesis]

No, I mean, does it happen any other time or is it only when you wake up?

[fe_male]

Oh. [ He's quiet for a moment, but it's not out of evasion - it's pretty obvious that he's doing quick mental scans of recent and long term memory for anything like that. ] No it's just - just when I first wake up.

[motherofnemesis]

Okay. [ She's threading her way through as carefully as she can, trying to figure out how best to address it, how to help him. ] And you said where you think are shifts? Is there someone that's more regular than others?

[fe_male]

[ Threading and yet pulling every piece of information out of him gently and intently. He doesn't want to be telling her any of this, but he can't seem to not do it. ] It just depends on the dream. Well. Space, more often. Dark and cold shifts to dark and cold though, it doesn't really matter.

[motherofnemesis]

[ That's her hoped for end, that she can get all the information she needs, that he needs her to know. Even if he doesn't particularly want her to have it right now. ] Do you wake up thinking you're where the nightmares were happening?

[fe_male]

More or less. [ Which really just means 'yeah', but he doesn't feel like being direct. ]

[motherofnemesis]

[ She nods, considers the problem for a long moment. ] It sounds like the nightmares are the biggest problem.

[fe_male]

The nightmares are the problem. The nightmares and my inability to just fucking handle things.

[motherofnemesis]

It's not you. [ Instinctive, utterly sure. ] It's not your fault, the brain isn't even meant to have to handle the sort of stress you've been put under. The problem isn't you, and we'll find a way to fix it.

[fe_male]

[ That would be more helpful if he hadn't met a team full of other people who had the same and more stress than he's ever dealt with, in his opinion, who were all handling it just fine, in his opinion. As far as he knows, anyway, but he can't really be blamed for things he doesn't know. Shit, Max herself has had just as much if not more and she seems functional by him. So he doesn't totally jive with her statement, he just doesn't know what to say to it. ] Yeah, okay.

[motherofnemesis]

[ He doesn't know what happens when they sleep, or the moments when they think nobody's watching. He puts up a pretty good image of with it most of the time himself - she wouldn't know anything if she didn't live and sleep with him, if she wasn't intimately aware at most moments of his presence.

As for her, well. She's had 10 years to become very, very good at a facade of being well, and his presence has helped make that not entirely a front for the first time in that entire stretch. ] I mean it. If anyone thought less of you for this they'd be idiots. You're strong to have done this well.

[fe_male]

[ He doesn't know what happens in those moments, but he doesn't like to theorize without facts or evidence, and from his perspective the point stands that he has no concrete proof to indicate moments like that exist. It's ludicrous to imagine they don't, because nobody's perfect and he's well and intimately aware of that, of precisely how imperfect and flawed most people can be, but without the certainty that they do, the possibility that they don't is enough.

That's just another thing he doesn't know how to reply to though. He doesn't feel strong. He feels brittle, and loose, like all his screws and bolts have been undone just to the point of falling off, and too much rattling, too much exertion in any which way, will have him falling into parts on the floor. ] People are idiots anyway - they don't need to think that to fall into the category. [ So maybe that's deflection, but at least that's relatively normal from him. ]

[motherofnemesis]

[ Maybe sometime she'll speak to someone else in the Avengers, get them to hold a seminar in which they all stop pretending to be paragons of having-it-together, because she's positive they don't all. Steve and Bruce especially, them - she sees it in their eyes and their movements.

The fact that he feels like that and keeps going anyways? She thinks that's a pretty fair amount of strength right there. ] That's true. [ But she's not up for being deflected right now. ] I know you don't believe me, but the fact remains - you're still standing. And maybe it's shaky, but you are. That takes a lot.

[fe_male]

[ dammit max let him deflect okay

also he'd be mildly mortified by a seminar like that ]

It takes a lot more than it should. [ Ugh, god, this is. This is exhausting. This is exhausting and he's already in bed and good the cap is still on this bottle of water so there's nothing stopping him from taking advantage of the fact that they're sitting on his bed and letting himself just sort of fall backwards to lie on his back. ] Now I'm lying. I mean, reclining, not being untruthful. [ Although. Hah. But not in that moment, anyway. He's not tired, not to the point of sleeping, he's just tired in other senses. He'll sit back up in a little while, probably be up the rest of the night regardless of all this, because he can't process while he's asleep and he has quite a bit to process. ]

[motherofnemesis]

[ nope

then she'll do it in private and get them to talk to him so that he stops thinking like this.

There's a short pause, a space in which she just watches him with an expression that manages to achieve a fair amount of neutrality for the quiet compassion on it, and then she reaches out and starts running her hand through his hair. ] I can't make any promises, but. I'm going to do my best to help make it take less.

[fe_male]

[ nope still mortified and also potentially pissed off that she went and talked to them about all of this because he's already an ordinary, very flawed person on a team of legitimate demi-gods and superheroes and he doesn't really feel like he needs to give any of them any more doubt to his ability and right to be there.

That's probably going to keep him lying down a little longer though. Her touch is generally quite arresting, and he's not sure how it works that you can become addicted to something so simple, he just knows that it never feels like he';; be able to get enough of it. ] You do a lot in that respect as it is.

[motherofnemesis]

[ goddamnit what is she going to have to do, because at that point she's considering just like tying him down for the sake of informing him of precisely how much he is worth to her. maybe that would work.

Touch is a luxury, in some respects. Especially when you're them, and there are a very, very few people in the world that casual touch is acceptable from. She knows she will never be tired of him touching her. ] I'm glad. Maybe I can one-up myself though.