fe_male | memeboxing

[ She really, really hopes so, because if she didn't help at all, if she actively made things worse - that she's not entirely sure she could forgive herself. He has given her so much, and she cannot repay it with this. (She knows that's hypocritical, after how much she needs him to not be doing things for her because he feels he owes her. But it's not that she owes him, it's that - it's that equality is important to her. Maybe to him too, maybe that's really what he means, but she doesn't know. It's complicated.)

She shakes her head a little, frustrated with herself at just how poorly she's doing tonight. ] You don't have to - you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you know you can ask for anything. [ And she looks at him for a moment then, utterly sincere and certain. ] Anything, okay?

[ Maybe she should ask him about it later. Maybe they should be more emotions later, because it's not like either of the both of them isn't going to actively avoid that sort of shit, right?

He's still asking from behind the mask that's fallen back into place, albeit from sort of around the edge of the side of it, metaphorically speaking. ] What if I don't want to ask for help? [ He means 'is that an option i have', 'will you make me accept help if i don't ask for it and you think i need it', 'what's the criterion for "needing" something beyond just wanting it?' ]

[ She might ask him about it when this has calmed down a little, because she thinks this is kind of important to get right. TO know about, at least.

There's a short pause after that, because him not wanting help is a different thing than him not being willing to ask for help he wants. She'd like to think simply making him accept help would work, and on occasion it has, but it's a delicate matter. ] I'll just hope eventually you will. [ Because she doesn't know what else to do or say, right now. ]

[ Probably a better idea, yeah.

It's not that he doesn't want help, specifically. It's more that when he needs it, and doesn't realize it's an option, and then suddenly it's offered, his instinctive reaction is to reject it outright. He doesn't need help, and how dare you insinuate as such. He's perfectly capable.

It's less to do with knowing he needs help and simply not wanting it than it is to do with the knee-jerk reaction of refusing that which he didn't realize he needed being suddenly offered. Which is, more or less, often the case.

He stays quiet for a little while, mulling all of this over, trying to push thoughts to the side so he can think. ]

How would you help right now?

[ It's a knee jerk response she can understand. She wishes it wasn't there and that it wasn't something it was necessary to struggle past, and that she understands it doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes frustrate her badly. But she does understand it.

He seems to not realize that help could be a good thing so often. A lot of the time she thinks it's simply because it's been offered to him so little, that he never expects the possibility and learned instead to convince himself he didn't need it. ]

I don't know yet. [ Honest, because that's the only way she can be with him. Lying would get her nowhere. ] But I can find a way. [ With enough determination, anything is possible, and she is very determined. ]

[ 'Yes, poor little Tony Stark, his life is so tough.'

This is why he doesn't ask for help. It's easy to see why he wouldn't even consider it to be an option.

He appreciates her honesty, nods slightly, because that's... Not an answer that was unexpected, so. That's still okay. Doesn't mean his next words aren't sort of mumbled regardless. ] I'm sure you can.

[ She really does sometimes feel a very strong urge to find and punch anyone who helped mess him up at any point in time. Kicking them, too, that's totally an option.

She nods, chooses to take the mumbling at face value rather than try to read anything else into it because that would just take too long. ]

What do you think you need, right now?

[ Well he doesn't remember anyone actually outright saying that. Just that it's a sentiment he's seen expressed through various fashions. Although if she ever does do that, he'd like to watch.

He lets out a breath at that, pulling in on himself so that it feels like the place where most of his sternum used to be is actually concaved into his chest. It doesn't sound like it, but it's a nice feeling sometimes. Hiding. ]

I have no idea. Therapy, probably. Time machines.

[ If she ever does that she'll be sure to invite him.

Hiding is a really nice feeling - that one she can get pretty well. ]

Therapy's a little more possible than time machines. [ Soft, quiet. ] I hear sometimes just talking to someone who will listen is useful.

[ Good.

He's personally back and forth with hiding, typically, but right now he's a fan. ] I'm talking to someone now.

[ When he's not hiding he seems to be doing approximately the exact opposite, so. There's that. She nods a little, something close to a smile on her face but not quite managing to break through her solemn seriousness. ] Yeah, you are. What do you think needs saying?

I don't know what needs saying, it's why I don't talk to people.

Then start with why. [ Quiet and soft, watching him closely still. ] Start with why you should be talking to someone.

[ 'Why'. Why is half the problem, isn't it?

It is a very long while before he talks again, and when he does it's mumbled. Again. ]

I have nightmares. And sometimes I wake up and don't know where I am.

[ She waits, quiet and as open as she can make herself, not demanding his gaze or doing anything but being, quiet and steady. ]

Where do you think you are? [ Slow, leading questions. Baby steps to the problems. ]

It doesn't last long. It's - I mean, a few seconds. It's not the same every time. Shifts back and forth.

Okay. When does it happen? [ Down the list of questions, searching for ways to understand. ]

When I wake up, I just said that.

No, I mean, does it happen any other time or is it only when you wake up?

Oh. [ He's quiet for a moment, but it's not out of evasion - it's pretty obvious that he's doing quick mental scans of recent and long term memory for anything like that. ] No it's just - just when I first wake up.

Okay. [ She's threading her way through as carefully as she can, trying to figure out how best to address it, how to help him. ] And you said where you think are shifts? Is there someone that's more regular than others?

[ Threading and yet pulling every piece of information out of him gently and intently. He doesn't want to be telling her any of this, but he can't seem to not do it. ] It just depends on the dream. Well. Space, more often. Dark and cold shifts to dark and cold though, it doesn't really matter.

[ That's her hoped for end, that she can get all the information she needs, that he needs her to know. Even if he doesn't particularly want her to have it right now. ] Do you wake up thinking you're where the nightmares were happening?

More or less. [ Which really just means 'yeah', but he doesn't feel like being direct. ]

[ She nods, considers the problem for a long moment. ] It sounds like the nightmares are the biggest problem.

no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine

....are you /sure/?

positive

huh.

i have very firm opinions

i've noticed

man you totally don't need to play along to my conceit

maybe i enjoy it

maybe you're a ridiculously nice person

ack no compliments what do

accept that you're a wonderful person and ily

but

no buts. you really are fantastic.

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