She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
[ Wow, there's a whole 2.2% chance he isn't lying? He's doing better than I thought.
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
[ Not really, most of that 2.2% chance is for like, doppelgangers or something weird that she can't predict for.
She pauses, still watching him, and then gets up with one last brush of her hand across his knee before she bolts downstairs to get two bottles of water and bring them back up, handing one to him as she settles back on the bed nearby. ] You're good for me. [ She's not looking at him when she says it, instead down at her hands wrapped around her own bottle. ]
i spent like 30 minutes looking for a gif of 'i'm gonna be walking funny tomorrow' from easy a
That wasn't nearly enough time, okay. He has water behind his eyes that is not getting any further than that, okay, because it's not, he doesn't do that shit, but he needs a minute to curl over, elbows on his knees and rest his head on the back of his hands, move instead to lace his fingers together on the back of his head, take a few breaths that come faster than they probably should and then sit up quickly with a deep inhale when she returns faster than he was expecting. He doesn't actually want to take the bottle of water from her, but he doesn't feel like talking about it so he takes it anyway, holds it in one hand without doing anything further with it and similarly looking down. She seriously retrieved them faster than he was expecting.
He doesn't know what to say to that, either. Everything else must suck for you then doesn't seem like it'll be taken well, nor does insinuating she has some sort of mental deficiency. He settles instead on something that will hopefully cease this thread of conversation. ]
Thanks.
Edited (whoops too many italics) 2013-05-21 23:38 (UTC)
[ She's moving so quickly mostly because she's pretty sure him being really alone right now could turn out to be a very bad idea, but when she walks in she almost hesitates and pretends she forgot something. But no, maybe she'll make up something else she needs to get in a little while if she thinks he'll need it. Maybe.
But she really wants to be near him as well right now. Her mouth twitches a little at that response, at the lack of sincerity in it she can feel, and then she sighs and takes a long drink of water, frowning at the wall absently. Tonight has been unsettling, more so for him than for her, and she doesn't know how to help him right now. ]
I mean it. [ But she doesn't know how to reinforce that without telling him why and right now - right now's not the right time. (She's not sure she'll ever find a right time.) ]
[ Like he has the energy to do anything drastic or permanent right now. He's fucking exhausted, and he's finally starting to feel it.
For the most part, he's content to just roll the bottle back and forth in his hands. He's making no obvious effort to drink from it, and is in fact staring at the top, where the fact that it's a bottle full of water is more readily apparent in the way it sloshes around just below the cap. ]
I know you do. [ It's quiet, and a little more sincere than how he spoke a few moments ago. He believes that she thinks she's telling the truth, he just doubts the relativity and accuracy of it. The following is a little more like how he was talking before, though. ] I'll be okay. This was good.
[ She was more just thinking of being left alone with his thoughts being a one way train into an even more unpleasant night than it's already likely to be.
But now she is watching him, and more specifically watching him watch the water, not saying anything about it yet. Just watching.
Her eyes flick to his face for a moment when he says he knows, then back down. He means that, but he didn't mean the preceding statement. Which is a juxtaposition she finds a little concerning. Or more than a little concerning. ] If you needed something, would you ask me for it?
[ oh, well, yeah, that's another interpretation of that. that's probably not going to change whether she's here or not - he's done a fairly good job of retreating into himself while she's still in the room with him already
That gets his attention. It takes a second - lag-time - but he looks up at her with a vaguely confused expression on his face. ] What? I ask you for shit all the time.
you'd get it just by existing in my general vicinity ok
[ yeah, he really has, and she's not sure what to do with it yet because part of her feels like she did this, she brought things up further when they didn't need to be, but mostly she just wants to be able to understand how to fix this. She needs to know how to help him.
She blinks back at him, somewhat equally confused. ] No you don't. I mean, I guess here and there, when it's not important. You almost never ask when you need help.
[ He can't really help her out there - he's got no idea how to fix this, as is evidenced partially by his decision to simply not even try. Part of that decision is also due to sheer avoidance and emotional immaturity. But he doesn't think she made it any worse. Made it a little more evident, perhaps. But while she brought things closer to the surface, sure, she allowed him to actually vent some of them out. It doesn't look like it yet, but it's good, even if marginally so.
They have a slightly different opinion on asking for things, maybe. Or he just didn't think about it beforehand. Or he doesn't even consider that asking for help when it seems to a normal person to be the most necessary option is a possibility at all. He asks for smaller things, things he's sure he can get. Bigger things? He's learned to just trust himself for those, and while he knows intellectually that she's likely not to ever say no, his instincts are a totally different matter. His expression goes a little shuttered, filing things back behind where they belong again, albeit imperfectly so. ] I don't– I mean. I ask - I don't know what to say to that.
no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine
[ She really, really hopes so, because if she didn't help at all, if she actively made things worse - that she's not entirely sure she could forgive herself. He has given her so much, and she cannot repay it with this. (She knows that's hypocritical, after how much she needs him to not be doing things for her because he feels he owes her. But it's not that she owes him, it's that - it's that equality is important to her. Maybe to him too, maybe that's really what he means, but she doesn't know. It's complicated.)
She shakes her head a little, frustrated with herself at just how poorly she's doing tonight. ] You don't have to - you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you know you can ask for anything. [ And she looks at him for a moment then, utterly sincere and certain. ] Anything, okay?
[ Maybe she should ask him about it later. Maybe they should be more emotions later, because it's not like either of the both of them isn't going to actively avoid that sort of shit, right?
He's still asking from behind the mask that's fallen back into place, albeit from sort of around the edge of the side of it, metaphorically speaking. ] What if I don't want to ask for help? [ He means 'is that an option i have', 'will you make me accept help if i don't ask for it and you think i need it', 'what's the criterion for "needing" something beyond just wanting it?' ]
[ She might ask him about it when this has calmed down a little, because she thinks this is kind of important to get right. TO know about, at least.
There's a short pause after that, because him not wanting help is a different thing than him not being willing to ask for help he wants. She'd like to think simply making him accept help would work, and on occasion it has, but it's a delicate matter. ] I'll just hope eventually you will. [ Because she doesn't know what else to do or say, right now. ]
It's not that he doesn't want help, specifically. It's more that when he needs it, and doesn't realize it's an option, and then suddenly it's offered, his instinctive reaction is to reject it outright. He doesn't need help, and how dare you insinuate as such. He's perfectly capable.
It's less to do with knowing he needs help and simply not wanting it than it is to do with the knee-jerk reaction of refusing that which he didn't realize he needed being suddenly offered. Which is, more or less, often the case.
He stays quiet for a little while, mulling all of this over, trying to push thoughts to the side so he can think. ]
[ It's a knee jerk response she can understand. She wishes it wasn't there and that it wasn't something it was necessary to struggle past, and that she understands it doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes frustrate her badly. But she does understand it.
He seems to not realize that help could be a good thing so often. A lot of the time she thinks it's simply because it's been offered to him so little, that he never expects the possibility and learned instead to convince himself he didn't need it. ]
I don't know yet. [ Honest, because that's the only way she can be with him. Lying would get her nowhere. ] But I can find a way. [ With enough determination, anything is possible, and she is very determined. ]
[ 'Yes, poor little Tony Stark, his life is so tough.'
This is why he doesn't ask for help. It's easy to see why he wouldn't even consider it to be an option.
He appreciates her honesty, nods slightly, because that's... Not an answer that was unexpected, so. That's still okay. Doesn't mean his next words aren't sort of mumbled regardless. ] I'm sure you can.
man you totally don't need to play along to my conceit
[ She really does sometimes feel a very strong urge to find and punch anyone who helped mess him up at any point in time. Kicking them, too, that's totally an option.
She nods, chooses to take the mumbling at face value rather than try to read anything else into it because that would just take too long. ]
[ Well he doesn't remember anyone actually outright saying that. Just that it's a sentiment he's seen expressed through various fashions. Although if she ever does do that, he'd like to watch.
He lets out a breath at that, pulling in on himself so that it feels like the place where most of his sternum used to be is actually concaved into his chest. It doesn't sound like it, but it's a nice feeling sometimes. Hiding. ]
[ When he's not hiding he seems to be doing approximately the exact opposite, so. There's that. She nods a little, something close to a smile on her face but not quite managing to break through her solemn seriousness. ] Yeah, you are. What do you think needs saying?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oh sure, /now/ you specify
The tone to her voice makes him just barely refrain from scrunching up his face because this isn't going as he'd hoped. ]
Of course not, I just said that.
i'm just trying to help here pls
She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
rly feeling it
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
i can make you feel it more baby
She pauses, still watching him, and then gets up with one last brush of her hand across his knee before she bolts downstairs to get two bottles of water and bring them back up, handing one to him as she settles back on the bed nearby. ] You're good for me. [ She's not looking at him when she says it, instead down at her hands wrapped around her own bottle. ]
i spent like 30 minutes looking for a gif of 'i'm gonna be walking funny tomorrow' from easy a
That wasn't nearly enough time, okay. He has water behind his eyes that is not getting any further than that, okay, because it's not, he doesn't do that shit, but he needs a minute to curl over, elbows on his knees and rest his head on the back of his hands, move instead to lace his fingers together on the back of his head, take a few breaths that come faster than they probably should and then sit up quickly with a deep inhale when she returns faster than he was expecting. He doesn't actually want to take the bottle of water from her, but he doesn't feel like talking about it so he takes it anyway, holds it in one hand without doing anything further with it and similarly looking down. She seriously retrieved them faster than he was expecting.
He doesn't know what to say to that, either. Everything else must suck for you then doesn't seem like it'll be taken well, nor does insinuating she has some sort of mental deficiency. He settles instead on something that will hopefully cease this thread of conversation. ]
Thanks.
alskdhfl oh my god i'll just pretend it's there
But she really wants to be near him as well right now. Her mouth twitches a little at that response, at the lack of sincerity in it she can feel, and then she sighs and takes a long drink of water, frowning at the wall absently. Tonight has been unsettling, more so for him than for her, and she doesn't know how to help him right now. ]
I mean it. [ But she doesn't know how to reinforce that without telling him why and right now - right now's not the right time. (She's not sure she'll ever find a right time.) ]
thank you i appreciate it
For the most part, he's content to just roll the bottle back and forth in his hands. He's making no obvious effort to drink from it, and is in fact staring at the top, where the fact that it's a bottle full of water is more readily apparent in the way it sloshes around just below the cap. ]
I know you do. [ It's quiet, and a little more sincere than how he spoke a few moments ago. He believes that she thinks she's telling the truth, he just doubts the relativity and accuracy of it. The following is a little more like how he was talking before, though. ] I'll be okay. This was good.
naturally. anything for you.
But now she is watching him, and more specifically watching him watch the water, not saying anything about it yet. Just watching.
Her eyes flick to his face for a moment when he says he knows, then back down. He means that, but he didn't mean the preceding statement. Which is a juxtaposition she finds a little concerning. Or more than a little concerning. ] If you needed something, would you ask me for it?
i demand nothing less
That gets his attention. It takes a second - lag-time - but he looks up at her with a vaguely confused expression on his face. ] What? I ask you for shit all the time.
you'd get it just by existing in my general vicinity ok
She blinks back at him, somewhat equally confused. ] No you don't. I mean, I guess here and there, when it's not important. You almost never ask when you need help.
that sounds dangerous for us both
They have a slightly different opinion on asking for things, maybe. Or he just didn't think about it beforehand. Or he doesn't even consider that asking for help when it seems to a normal person to be the most necessary option is a possibility at all. He asks for smaller things, things he's sure he can get. Bigger things? He's learned to just trust himself for those, and while he knows intellectually that she's likely not to ever say no, his instincts are a totally different matter. His expression goes a little shuttered, filing things back behind where they belong again, albeit imperfectly so. ] I don't– I mean. I ask - I don't know what to say to that.
no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine
She shakes her head a little, frustrated with herself at just how poorly she's doing tonight. ] You don't have to - you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you know you can ask for anything. [ And she looks at him for a moment then, utterly sincere and certain. ] Anything, okay?
....are you /sure/?
He's still asking from behind the mask that's fallen back into place, albeit from sort of around the edge of the side of it, metaphorically speaking. ] What if I don't want to ask for help? [ He means 'is that an option i have', 'will you make me accept help if i don't ask for it and you think i need it', 'what's the criterion for "needing" something beyond just wanting it?' ]
positive
There's a short pause after that, because him not wanting help is a different thing than him not being willing to ask for help he wants. She'd like to think simply making him accept help would work, and on occasion it has, but it's a delicate matter. ] I'll just hope eventually you will. [ Because she doesn't know what else to do or say, right now. ]
huh.
It's not that he doesn't want help, specifically. It's more that when he needs it, and doesn't realize it's an option, and then suddenly it's offered, his instinctive reaction is to reject it outright. He doesn't need help, and how dare you insinuate as such. He's perfectly capable.
It's less to do with knowing he needs help and simply not wanting it than it is to do with the knee-jerk reaction of refusing that which he didn't realize he needed being suddenly offered. Which is, more or less, often the case.
He stays quiet for a little while, mulling all of this over, trying to push thoughts to the side so he can think. ]
How would you help right now?
i have very firm opinions
He seems to not realize that help could be a good thing so often. A lot of the time she thinks it's simply because it's been offered to him so little, that he never expects the possibility and learned instead to convince himself he didn't need it. ]
I don't know yet. [ Honest, because that's the only way she can be with him. Lying would get her nowhere. ] But I can find a way. [ With enough determination, anything is possible, and she is very determined. ]
i've noticed
This is why he doesn't ask for help. It's easy to see why he wouldn't even consider it to be an option.
He appreciates her honesty, nods slightly, because that's... Not an answer that was unexpected, so. That's still okay. Doesn't mean his next words aren't sort of mumbled regardless. ] I'm sure you can.
man you totally don't need to play along to my conceit
She nods, chooses to take the mumbling at face value rather than try to read anything else into it because that would just take too long. ]
What do you think you need, right now?
maybe i enjoy it
He lets out a breath at that, pulling in on himself so that it feels like the place where most of his sternum used to be is actually concaved into his chest. It doesn't sound like it, but it's a nice feeling sometimes. Hiding. ]
I have no idea. Therapy, probably. Time machines.
maybe you're a ridiculously nice person
Hiding is a really nice feeling - that one she can get pretty well. ]
Therapy's a little more possible than time machines. [ Soft, quiet. ] I hear sometimes just talking to someone who will listen is useful.
ack no compliments what do
He's personally back and forth with hiding, typically, but right now he's a fan. ] I'm talking to someone now.
accept that you're a wonderful person and ily
but
no buts. you really are fantastic.
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It is a very long while before he talks again, and when he does it's mumbled. Again. ]
I have nightmares. And sometimes I wake up and don't know where I am.
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those are the shoulders she's rubbing look at those shoulders man
thank you for reminding me i would never have thought to look closely at his shoulders otherwise
i'm glad i could be of service!
i just bet you are :|
ily
ily too
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is this thread wrapping up too?
it could well be, yeah, they're likely just going to stay awake together i think?
and not do anything in particular, yeah, that's what i think too
so long as he stops being an ass :|
shhh he's still coping
that's a terrible method of coping tony
were you expecting a good one????
admittedly not really
thank you
you are welcome. and okay yes i think that's about it for this one