[ He goes back to leaning on her about as much as he was before, almost immediately, because he needs to and just isn't going to acknowledge it.
Nodding a little bit as she talks, although not a whole lot because he feels like too much movement's gonna make him fall over or throw up or something like that. ] I want grape. Shopping for what?
[ She's fine with that, because seriously. Supporting him is no problem, and she wants to do whatever he needs.
She does angle them for the couch by the kitchen instead of the kitchen proper though, because she feels like he might need to be sitting down again somewhere comfortable and soft so he can relax. ] Grape it is then. Just some basic stuff here and there. Errands that needed running, you know how it goes.
[ Thank god for her thought process. He's very happy for the couch, falls off of her and onto it, just for a little bit, he thinks. Just, you know, long enough to catch his breath and stuff. ]
I've never run errands in my life, I have no idea what you're talking about.
[ She waits until he's settled and then heads into the kitchen to retrieve juice boxes, talking the whole time so that even the moments she goes out of sight he can always tell she's there. ]
Well, just because you're ridiculous. It's errands, come on, haven't you ever needed to pick up a different wrench or just some food that isn't in the house? There can't have always been someone around who would go get it for you. [ And holding out a juice box for him - she's taken the straw out of the plastic because that's a pain, but she's pretty sure actually sticking it in would look pretty patronizing so she's left that to him, sitting down beside him as she sets to work on her and presses against his side, warmth and solidness. ] How are you doing?
[ I'm not sure how deeply he would have actually thought about whether or not she put the straw in the juice box or not given his current state, but it's nice of her to be thinking about things like that anyway. ] Nope, not me. Never gone to the grocery store or the hardware store or anything. Always somebody around. I have an army of minions and each one is stationed at most stores I would want something from so all I have to do is ask and they'll bring it here. [ Max can you tell he's being sarcastic. It's predominantly to cover the fact that he isn't going to answer your question. That and how much he's obviously using the couch for support. ]
[ She thinks about everything she can consider, when she's trying to take care of someone. Sometimes she thinks of almost too much and misses out on the obvious.
Also evasion is not nearly as successful a tactic as he apparently thinks it is, especially when someone is already on the lookout for it and you're trying to evade the answer to a question she finds it pretty important to get answered. Very important. ] I'm sure. No wonder your personal budget is so high. [ But she'll wait, say, five minutes. And then she's asking again, if he hasn't taken the suggestion of her steady gaze and answered it before then. ]
[ He makes it about a little under two minutes into that steady gaze and breaks. ]
I'm barely keeping down a juice box, my legs feel like they belong to somebody else, the reactor weighs about three times as much as it usually does, and I think if I stand up too fast I'm gonna pass out. How do you think I'm doing? [ When evasion doesn't work, go on the defensive! He's more than irked that this is even a problem - normal people don't have basic functionality problems like this. He's even more annoyed that she apparently had to become privy to the issue, as though it were something he'd really have been able to keep from her. ]
Not too hot, sounds like. [ But her voice is calm as she leans forward, presses the back of her hand to his forehead to check if there's any fever going on. Just to be certain, and then she takes another sip of her juicebox and presses closer against him, offering as much support as she can. ] Do you know what it was?
[ He only flinches a little bit when she puts the back of her hand to his forehead, and he isn't even sure why. He feels hot but he doubts that he actually is by this point. He probably was earlier, but now he's calmed down too much believe it or not. He's going to feel hot again though, if he can't calm down more, with her lying against him. He can't calm down all the way and he can't figure out why. ] I have no idea what it -- Do I know what what was?
[ She can take a guess as to why he can't calm down entirely, and another one as to why he felt like this in the first place. It's not one that he's going to enjoy her making, she thinks, but she has fairly significant experience with PTSD, both in herself and in the others around her. ] I think you had a panic attack. [ Watching him carefully, still evaluating. ] Going from what I felt when I got back.
[ Yeah she's right he doesn't like that diagnosis. He stops moving for a second, juice box paused mid-air, and then continues on like nothing happened. ] No, I don't, I don't think that was it. I've never had those before, I don't panic. That's dumb, why would I have a panic attack in my own house? There wasn't - nothing was happening.
Nothing has to be happening. [ She shrugs, talks as casually as she can and without watching him too closely. ] It felt a lot like one. It happens to a lot of people who've had major stress in their lives recently.
[ He still doesn't like this suggestion. ] Me? [ What does he have to be stressed about? Beyond running a multi-billion dollar company, being head of R&D for the same company, working on a team full of super-heroes, having other... things going on. He can't imagine why she would say he's had major stress in his life recently. ] I don't think that was it.
[ Yes, when you put it like that it doesn't sound like he's ever had anything to be stressed in. Add in PTSD and having recently narrowly escaped with his life from a traumatic battle and it's like there's zero reasons for him to not be a totally normally functioning person. ] Then what do you think it was? [ There's no judgment or argument in it, because she thinks that wouldn't go over well. ]
[ Aaaaaaaand that's where he falters, because he has no idea what it was - he thinks he said that, a few minutes ago, maybe he didn't, he's not actually sure - he just knows that he's viscerally opposed to the idea of it being... what she's saying it is. For the reasons he gave her earlier, the most prominent of which being both 'me' and 'that's dumb'. Great reasons. ] A twinge of cosmic angst? [ And where the hell did he pull that from? A childhood of sci-fi and fantasy and that's what he comes up with? At least it's self contained, fairly short. But he knows it's not going to fly, so he just takes another long draw from his juicebox. Unfortunately, it's a juice box, it doesn't have more than one long draw in it, so he winds up making that horrible gurgly sound and just tosses the empty thing across the floor so he can rest his forehead on his palm instead, elbow on the arm of the couch. ]
[ He did, which is in part why she asked him again actually. Yeah, not really fair, she knows. But she feels fairly certain she has the diagnosis right, so she's not interesting in coming up with fake answers to give him. Mostly right now she's worried about the future, and the past. Panic attacks rarely come singly - either he's going to continue to have them, or he's been having them, or both. And if he's been having them, how on earth did she miss it? She needs to find it. ] I have literally no idea what that means. [ Deadpan and matter-of-fact. She doesn't want to force him into facing any ideas, but she's not going to let him get away with bullshit here either. It's hard to fix something you won't admit is a problem.
She waits a moment after that gesture, holds her own mostly untouched one in front of him and settles her free hand on his back, running it up and down. ] It's going to be okay, Tony. I'm right here and it's over. You're going to be okay.
[ He wants to shrug off the contact this time, suppresses the flinch at the initial point of it and then doesn't move when it continues, because he knows she's trying to help. He doesn't want to make her feel bad for trying to help, even if he really doesn't feel like personal contact all of a sudden. He just keeps his face more or less hidden by his hand, resting his weight on the arm of the couch. The first thing he'd said had been a deflection, a poor one, and they both know it, so he doesn't bother following it up with an explanation. He's quiet for a while after her last words though, because he can't tell how he feels about them. He doesn't not believe them, but he's not sure he can take them at their fellow words, either.
It's a little while like that before he replies, still looking more or less at the ground and definitely without looking at her. His shields have been gradually rebuilding since she calmed him down enough to start working on them, and right now they're holding fairly well. Well enough for him to say the next thing without too much worry, not that he thinks she would do anything like that intentionally anyway. ]
I'm not. It's happened before. Last time I was out - not here. Flew it off until J overrode my auto-pilot override and brought me home, the asshole. By then I was calm enough to take care of it myself. How do you stop it?
[ She just waits, hand eventually stilling on his shoulder as she breathes and just settles, solid and still. That he's not trying to keep up the deflection is at least a good sign. It means he's not putting energy into dodging that there even is a problem, which means that there's more energy to be put into fixing the problem that there is.
Except - it's happened before, it has, and she didn't notice. She nods slowly, still listening, and then just stops still at the last bit. How do you stop it? ]
I'm not sure. Some people take medication. I meditate a lot. Everyone's different.
[ Well, he did actively try and keep it from her, so she probably shouldn't feel too bad about it. It scared him - that's what he does with things that scare him. He pretends they don't exist, more or less. Or he turns them into triumphs and kicks their ass instead. This isn't really something he can do the latter with, so the former it is.
Also yeah he doesn't like that answer either, although his response this time is more of a bitter snort. ] Yeah, that'll work. [ That's probably mildly insulting to her, even though he means 'that won't work for me specifically', but he's not thinking like that right now. He's just getting quiet again. ] So it just. Stays. You live with it.
[ She will probably never stop being slightly mad at herself when she finds out that Tony's still not quite able to tell her when things are wrong or if something's scaring him, because she feels like she should be able to convince him of this, should be able to make him see that she can help, that she wants to help. But she never can quite, so for now she just curbs down that instinctive response and sighs a little.
Because. Well. Yeah. ] There's ways to make it easier, and it doesn't necessarily last forever. Mine are really infrequent now. [ But that's the most she can offer him, because she doesn't know anyone who's managed to get rid of them entirely. Sometimes she thinks she has, but never quite. ] And I'm here. Whenever.
[ That gets his attention. That gives him hope beyond basically anything else so far beyond whatever it was she told him so he could initially calm down, because it's just clicked with something she said a few moments ago. ]
[ She just shrugs at first, trying to consider how to phrase it. She doesn't want him to think he should have noticed at some point, or to think that she's been actively hiding it, it's just that she's become as good as possible at keeping them unnoticeable. Weakness shown in front of others is power given to them that she has never been willing to hand over. ]
Sometimes. Not usually, anymore. Like I said, it can improve.
[ The whole 'how did i not notice that' thing will hit him once he stops being quite so self-centred and starts to really mull it over. As it is, he's not that phased by it. Just considering. ]
[ She'd prefer it not hit him at all, okay, that would be fine. He can just skim over that part of things and go into the she might be able to help him side of things. That's fine. ]
Deep breathing exercises. Alcohol, sometimes, when there's not reasons not to. There's some thought type exercises that can help a little. [ This short pause, and then she rests her hands on her knees, palms up. ] Nothing makes it stop. But they can help make it a little easier.
[ He listens to this impassively, considering what she's saying and weighing each option against himself and whether or not he thinks it will work. He's not sure how to approach his own issues at all, but he's always been a fairly active person on the whole. ]
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[ He goes back to leaning on her about as much as he was before, almost immediately, because he needs to and just isn't going to acknowledge it.
Nodding a little bit as she talks, although not a whole lot because he feels like too much movement's gonna make him fall over or throw up or something like that. ] I want grape. Shopping for what?
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She does angle them for the couch by the kitchen instead of the kitchen proper though, because she feels like he might need to be sitting down again somewhere comfortable and soft so he can relax. ] Grape it is then. Just some basic stuff here and there. Errands that needed running, you know how it goes.
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I've never run errands in my life, I have no idea what you're talking about.
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Well, just because you're ridiculous. It's errands, come on, haven't you ever needed to pick up a different wrench or just some food that isn't in the house? There can't have always been someone around who would go get it for you. [ And holding out a juice box for him - she's taken the straw out of the plastic because that's a pain, but she's pretty sure actually sticking it in would look pretty patronizing so she's left that to him, sitting down beside him as she sets to work on her and presses against his side, warmth and solidness. ] How are you doing?
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Also evasion is not nearly as successful a tactic as he apparently thinks it is, especially when someone is already on the lookout for it and you're trying to evade the answer to a question she finds it pretty important to get answered. Very important. ] I'm sure. No wonder your personal budget is so high. [ But she'll wait, say, five minutes. And then she's asking again, if he hasn't taken the suggestion of her steady gaze and answered it before then. ]
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I'm barely keeping down a juice box, my legs feel like they belong to somebody else, the reactor weighs about three times as much as it usually does, and I think if I stand up too fast I'm gonna pass out. How do you think I'm doing? [ When evasion doesn't work, go on the defensive! He's more than irked that this is even a problem - normal people don't have basic functionality problems like this. He's even more annoyed that she apparently had to become privy to the issue, as though it were something he'd really have been able to keep from her. ]
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She waits a moment after that gesture, holds her own mostly untouched one in front of him and settles her free hand on his back, running it up and down. ] It's going to be okay, Tony. I'm right here and it's over. You're going to be okay.
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It's a little while like that before he replies, still looking more or less at the ground and definitely without looking at her. His shields have been gradually rebuilding since she calmed him down enough to start working on them, and right now they're holding fairly well. Well enough for him to say the next thing without too much worry, not that he thinks she would do anything like that intentionally anyway. ]
I'm not. It's happened before. Last time I was out - not here. Flew it off until J overrode my auto-pilot override and brought me home, the asshole. By then I was calm enough to take care of it myself. How do you stop it?
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Except - it's happened before, it has, and she didn't notice. She nods slowly, still listening, and then just stops still at the last bit. How do you stop it? ]
I'm not sure. Some people take medication. I meditate a lot. Everyone's different.
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Also yeah he doesn't like that answer either, although his response this time is more of a bitter snort. ] Yeah, that'll work. [ That's probably mildly insulting to her, even though he means 'that won't work for me specifically', but he's not thinking like that right now. He's just getting quiet again. ] So it just. Stays. You live with it.
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Because. Well. Yeah. ] There's ways to make it easier, and it doesn't necessarily last forever. Mine are really infrequent now. [ But that's the most she can offer him, because she doesn't know anyone who's managed to get rid of them entirely. Sometimes she thinks she has, but never quite. ] And I'm here. Whenever.
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I didn't know you had them. This bad?
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Sometimes. Not usually, anymore. Like I said, it can improve.
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What else do you do?
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Deep breathing exercises. Alcohol, sometimes, when there's not reasons not to. There's some thought type exercises that can help a little. [ This short pause, and then she rests her hands on her knees, palms up. ] Nothing makes it stop. But they can help make it a little easier.
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Thought type exercises? How do you do those?
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