[ Him turning away from her always feels bad, and maybe - maybe that's all she really needs to know about how she feels about him needing her. There's a short pause after his last statement as she meets his gaze, warmth and solemnity in her expression, and then she cups his face in her hands and pushes up on her knees to press her lips against his forehead, sinking back down to rest her forehead against his.
For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]
I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.
[ That's a number of methods of reassurance she's giving him right there, none of which he knows entirely what to do with. He's not sure how he feels, right now. He's not sure how he's feeling, or whether he is at all. It's an uncharacteristically high concentration of not knowing, and he doesn't like it. ]
[ She's frankly not entirely sure what it is that she's feeling right now either, other than that it is vitally and absolutely important that he understand this, pulling back a little so she can meet his eyes directly, ensure that he sees and feels her absolute sincerity. ]
I am happy. I wasn't before I met you, and now I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
[ Nnnnn no that's unavoidable and straightforward and a whole host of things that Tony Stark avoids as though he believes it's possible to actually catch the plague from them somehow.
So he looks back at her, cross-checking for signs that she's lying - not to knock her, just... out of habit. Out of a sense of self-preservation that life has seen fit to teach him needs to be employed amongst those who seem to care about you the most. She doesn't seem to be lying, and again, he doesn't know what to do with that. He simply holds her gaze as long as he can, bolsters his wavering shields as long as he can, and drops the former before the latter too, comes crashing down. ]
[ She holds his gaze steadily until he looks away, and then she drops her own and breathes out because she actually wasn't really sure what the reaction to saying that would be and she's still not really sure and part of her is terrified that sharing something means an end to things, means the other person can't take it anymore. But. ]
I'm not - you don't owe me happiness, and it's not your responsibility. [ That's important, too, she knows. ] But you do make me happy.
[ There's a whole lot about all of these moments between them that are more or less composed purely out of avoidance and not interacting, so it's hilarious that they all seem to happen near each other. He hasn't taken it poorly. Not yet. He just hasn't really taken it that well either. He's not sure how he's supposed to take it at all. ]
I owe you something. Might as well be. [ Mumbled, because he's not looking at her anymore. That last part - well. He's slightly incredulous, but he doesn't say anything about it. ]
[ She shakes her head immediately, ducks her head so that she can still meet his eyes because if that was important this is much, much more so. This is incredibly important. ]
You don't owe me anything. You will never owe me anything. [ She has to ensure that he knows this, because she can't let him think that. It's not all right. ] I promise.
[ She has an odd insistence on eye contact that he both enjoys being forced into and loathes being forced to reveal through. It's a good barometer for when she feels like a point needs to be made, but more often than not she's making points when he feels the most evasive, and it just results in a mildly unpleasant feeling of being cornered by someone you care about. ]
I don't mind - it's a good thing. Something to work for. If I didn't owe you anything, you'd just be somebody else. [ Which is a weird way to put it, but it's a point of his own in return. If he owes her, she has a concrete reason to be here. Or at least, more of one than not. He's owed the most important people in his life things, it's not something he takes lightly. ]
[ It's easier both to see what he's really thinking or feeling through his eyes, not to mention that she finds that it helps to reinforce her point if he can see her. If he can see that she means what she's saying. Except right now he's not taking it, he's insisting and she doesn't know what to do with that because she doesn't want this to be about owing. She can't take anything from him because he thinks he owes it to her. She just can't. ]
I don't want - obligation. You don't have to give me anything. [ She doesn't know how else to say it herself, or how to say that she doesn't know how to accept his points because she can't take things unless she's positive they were given absolutely freely. ]
wtf i hit enter when I KNEW that i wasn't finished writing.
[ Yeah it sounds like... They have a problem, since exactly what he wants here is what she specifically doesn't want. He's not totally sure what to do now either. ]
Okay. I mean, uh, you've shown that. I know that. I knew that. [ Maybe it'll work better if he just continues to operate as he has been, but without telling her the reasons. He can totally keep acting under debt and repayment and tell her something entirely different about the whole process. ] That's fine.
Edited (fuck it i didn't like it still i edit what i want) 2013-05-18 23:32 (UTC)
your fingers jumped ahead of you in the timestream a little is all
[ There's a short pause, weighing his words and the way he's holding his body and everything she can catalogue of his emotions. It's inconclusive. She's not entirely certain what she should be concluding from this moment. ]
I just - I need it to be because you want to. [ Not out of that sense of debt, or an idea of repayment. Neither of which she would entirely get if she realized, because she's never considered even the possibility that he owes her a damn thing. Not after everything he's done for her. ]
yeah and then said the wrong thing entirely while they were there
[ Tony no. Evasiveness is not a good thing, she doesn't like it and it weirds her out and she knows it means something's wrong. There's a long pause. ]
Do you feel like you owe me something? [ There's nothing judgmental in her voice, just genuine curiosity and a certain reserve covering sadness. ]
She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
[ Wow, there's a whole 2.2% chance he isn't lying? He's doing better than I thought.
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
[ Not really, most of that 2.2% chance is for like, doppelgangers or something weird that she can't predict for.
She pauses, still watching him, and then gets up with one last brush of her hand across his knee before she bolts downstairs to get two bottles of water and bring them back up, handing one to him as she settles back on the bed nearby. ] You're good for me. [ She's not looking at him when she says it, instead down at her hands wrapped around her own bottle. ]
i spent like 30 minutes looking for a gif of 'i'm gonna be walking funny tomorrow' from easy a
That wasn't nearly enough time, okay. He has water behind his eyes that is not getting any further than that, okay, because it's not, he doesn't do that shit, but he needs a minute to curl over, elbows on his knees and rest his head on the back of his hands, move instead to lace his fingers together on the back of his head, take a few breaths that come faster than they probably should and then sit up quickly with a deep inhale when she returns faster than he was expecting. He doesn't actually want to take the bottle of water from her, but he doesn't feel like talking about it so he takes it anyway, holds it in one hand without doing anything further with it and similarly looking down. She seriously retrieved them faster than he was expecting.
He doesn't know what to say to that, either. Everything else must suck for you then doesn't seem like it'll be taken well, nor does insinuating she has some sort of mental deficiency. He settles instead on something that will hopefully cease this thread of conversation. ]
Thanks.
Edited (whoops too many italics) 2013-05-21 23:38 (UTC)
[ She's moving so quickly mostly because she's pretty sure him being really alone right now could turn out to be a very bad idea, but when she walks in she almost hesitates and pretends she forgot something. But no, maybe she'll make up something else she needs to get in a little while if she thinks he'll need it. Maybe.
But she really wants to be near him as well right now. Her mouth twitches a little at that response, at the lack of sincerity in it she can feel, and then she sighs and takes a long drink of water, frowning at the wall absently. Tonight has been unsettling, more so for him than for her, and she doesn't know how to help him right now. ]
I mean it. [ But she doesn't know how to reinforce that without telling him why and right now - right now's not the right time. (She's not sure she'll ever find a right time.) ]
[ Like he has the energy to do anything drastic or permanent right now. He's fucking exhausted, and he's finally starting to feel it.
For the most part, he's content to just roll the bottle back and forth in his hands. He's making no obvious effort to drink from it, and is in fact staring at the top, where the fact that it's a bottle full of water is more readily apparent in the way it sloshes around just below the cap. ]
I know you do. [ It's quiet, and a little more sincere than how he spoke a few moments ago. He believes that she thinks she's telling the truth, he just doubts the relativity and accuracy of it. The following is a little more like how he was talking before, though. ] I'll be okay. This was good.
[ She was more just thinking of being left alone with his thoughts being a one way train into an even more unpleasant night than it's already likely to be.
But now she is watching him, and more specifically watching him watch the water, not saying anything about it yet. Just watching.
Her eyes flick to his face for a moment when he says he knows, then back down. He means that, but he didn't mean the preceding statement. Which is a juxtaposition she finds a little concerning. Or more than a little concerning. ] If you needed something, would you ask me for it?
[ oh, well, yeah, that's another interpretation of that. that's probably not going to change whether she's here or not - he's done a fairly good job of retreating into himself while she's still in the room with him already
That gets his attention. It takes a second - lag-time - but he looks up at her with a vaguely confused expression on his face. ] What? I ask you for shit all the time.
you'd get it just by existing in my general vicinity ok
[ yeah, he really has, and she's not sure what to do with it yet because part of her feels like she did this, she brought things up further when they didn't need to be, but mostly she just wants to be able to understand how to fix this. She needs to know how to help him.
She blinks back at him, somewhat equally confused. ] No you don't. I mean, I guess here and there, when it's not important. You almost never ask when you need help.
[ He can't really help her out there - he's got no idea how to fix this, as is evidenced partially by his decision to simply not even try. Part of that decision is also due to sheer avoidance and emotional immaturity. But he doesn't think she made it any worse. Made it a little more evident, perhaps. But while she brought things closer to the surface, sure, she allowed him to actually vent some of them out. It doesn't look like it yet, but it's good, even if marginally so.
They have a slightly different opinion on asking for things, maybe. Or he just didn't think about it beforehand. Or he doesn't even consider that asking for help when it seems to a normal person to be the most necessary option is a possibility at all. He asks for smaller things, things he's sure he can get. Bigger things? He's learned to just trust himself for those, and while he knows intellectually that she's likely not to ever say no, his instincts are a totally different matter. His expression goes a little shuttered, filing things back behind where they belong again, albeit imperfectly so. ] I don't– I mean. I ask - I don't know what to say to that.
no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine
[ She really, really hopes so, because if she didn't help at all, if she actively made things worse - that she's not entirely sure she could forgive herself. He has given her so much, and she cannot repay it with this. (She knows that's hypocritical, after how much she needs him to not be doing things for her because he feels he owes her. But it's not that she owes him, it's that - it's that equality is important to her. Maybe to him too, maybe that's really what he means, but she doesn't know. It's complicated.)
She shakes her head a little, frustrated with herself at just how poorly she's doing tonight. ] You don't have to - you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you know you can ask for anything. [ And she looks at him for a moment then, utterly sincere and certain. ] Anything, okay?
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For another space she's still silent, trying to know precisely what to say here. He matters. He matters like nothing else has mattered in years. ]
I'm only safe if you are. [ So maybe he means physically, but you can be perfectly physically sound and not care about life or have any happiness. ] We'll take care of each other. And I've stayed alive this long.
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But you need to be happy too.
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I am happy. I wasn't before I met you, and now I am. I'm happier than I've ever been.
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So he looks back at her, cross-checking for signs that she's lying - not to knock her, just... out of habit. Out of a sense of self-preservation that life has seen fit to teach him needs to be employed amongst those who seem to care about you the most. She doesn't seem to be lying, and again, he doesn't know what to do with that. He simply holds her gaze as long as he can, bolsters his wavering shields as long as he can, and drops the former before the latter too, comes crashing down. ]
Okay.
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I'm not - you don't owe me happiness, and it's not your responsibility. [ That's important, too, she knows. ] But you do make me happy.
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I owe you something. Might as well be. [ Mumbled, because he's not looking at her anymore. That last part - well. He's slightly incredulous, but he doesn't say anything about it. ]
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You don't owe me anything. You will never owe me anything. [ She has to ensure that he knows this, because she can't let him think that. It's not all right. ] I promise.
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I don't mind - it's a good thing. Something to work for. If I didn't owe you anything, you'd just be somebody else. [ Which is a weird way to put it, but it's a point of his own in return. If he owes her, she has a concrete reason to be here. Or at least, more of one than not. He's owed the most important people in his life things, it's not something he takes lightly. ]
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I don't want - obligation. You don't have to give me anything. [ She doesn't know how else to say it herself, or how to say that she doesn't know how to accept his points because she can't take things unless she's positive they were given absolutely freely. ]
wtf i hit enter when I KNEW that i wasn't finished writing.
Okay. I mean, uh, you've shown that. I know that. I knew that. [ Maybe it'll work better if he just continues to operate as he has been, but without telling her the reasons. He can totally keep acting under debt and repayment and tell her something entirely different about the whole process. ] That's fine.
your fingers jumped ahead of you in the timestream a little is all
I just - I need it to be because you want to. [ Not out of that sense of debt, or an idea of repayment. Neither of which she would entirely get if she realized, because she's never considered even the possibility that he owes her a damn thing. Not after everything he's done for her. ]
yeah and then said the wrong thing entirely while they were there
Yeah, I got it. No obligation. Just wants and freely givens. I can do that, it'll be fine.
they may have jumped ahead in the /wrong/ timestream on accident
Do you feel like you owe me something? [ There's nothing judgmental in her voice, just genuine curiosity and a certain reserve covering sadness. ]
oh sure, /now/ you specify
The tone to her voice makes him just barely refrain from scrunching up his face because this isn't going as he'd hoped. ]
Of course not, I just said that.
i'm just trying to help here pls
She is still about 97.8% certain that he is lying about that to her right now, which is an unsettling and kind of very unpleasant feeling. It's not - she doesn't know how to make it clearer or even if she should, if he really does need that. ]
... Okay. [ For the moment - for now she can choose to let it go. After everything that he's just handled, he doesn't need this on top of that. It wasn't fair of her. ] Do you need some water?
rly feeling it
And, yeah, okay, he just. He needs a moment, because they're both being fairly obvious and she's just letting him have it and for some reason he can't handle that. It's too much on top of everything else right now and he needs a minute by himself, so he nods in response to her question, even though he really doesn't want any water right now, like, at all, maybe ever. Some bourbon maybe, or whiskey, but definitely no water. But if it'll get her to leave, even just for a minute - because he also doesn't want to be by himself for too long - then it's fine, he'll deal. ]
i can make you feel it more baby
She pauses, still watching him, and then gets up with one last brush of her hand across his knee before she bolts downstairs to get two bottles of water and bring them back up, handing one to him as she settles back on the bed nearby. ] You're good for me. [ She's not looking at him when she says it, instead down at her hands wrapped around her own bottle. ]
i spent like 30 minutes looking for a gif of 'i'm gonna be walking funny tomorrow' from easy a
That wasn't nearly enough time, okay. He has water behind his eyes that is not getting any further than that, okay, because it's not, he doesn't do that shit, but he needs a minute to curl over, elbows on his knees and rest his head on the back of his hands, move instead to lace his fingers together on the back of his head, take a few breaths that come faster than they probably should and then sit up quickly with a deep inhale when she returns faster than he was expecting. He doesn't actually want to take the bottle of water from her, but he doesn't feel like talking about it so he takes it anyway, holds it in one hand without doing anything further with it and similarly looking down. She seriously retrieved them faster than he was expecting.
He doesn't know what to say to that, either. Everything else must suck for you then doesn't seem like it'll be taken well, nor does insinuating she has some sort of mental deficiency. He settles instead on something that will hopefully cease this thread of conversation. ]
Thanks.
alskdhfl oh my god i'll just pretend it's there
But she really wants to be near him as well right now. Her mouth twitches a little at that response, at the lack of sincerity in it she can feel, and then she sighs and takes a long drink of water, frowning at the wall absently. Tonight has been unsettling, more so for him than for her, and she doesn't know how to help him right now. ]
I mean it. [ But she doesn't know how to reinforce that without telling him why and right now - right now's not the right time. (She's not sure she'll ever find a right time.) ]
thank you i appreciate it
For the most part, he's content to just roll the bottle back and forth in his hands. He's making no obvious effort to drink from it, and is in fact staring at the top, where the fact that it's a bottle full of water is more readily apparent in the way it sloshes around just below the cap. ]
I know you do. [ It's quiet, and a little more sincere than how he spoke a few moments ago. He believes that she thinks she's telling the truth, he just doubts the relativity and accuracy of it. The following is a little more like how he was talking before, though. ] I'll be okay. This was good.
naturally. anything for you.
But now she is watching him, and more specifically watching him watch the water, not saying anything about it yet. Just watching.
Her eyes flick to his face for a moment when he says he knows, then back down. He means that, but he didn't mean the preceding statement. Which is a juxtaposition she finds a little concerning. Or more than a little concerning. ] If you needed something, would you ask me for it?
i demand nothing less
That gets his attention. It takes a second - lag-time - but he looks up at her with a vaguely confused expression on his face. ] What? I ask you for shit all the time.
you'd get it just by existing in my general vicinity ok
She blinks back at him, somewhat equally confused. ] No you don't. I mean, I guess here and there, when it's not important. You almost never ask when you need help.
that sounds dangerous for us both
They have a slightly different opinion on asking for things, maybe. Or he just didn't think about it beforehand. Or he doesn't even consider that asking for help when it seems to a normal person to be the most necessary option is a possibility at all. He asks for smaller things, things he's sure he can get. Bigger things? He's learned to just trust himself for those, and while he knows intellectually that she's likely not to ever say no, his instincts are a totally different matter. His expression goes a little shuttered, filing things back behind where they belong again, albeit imperfectly so. ] I don't– I mean. I ask - I don't know what to say to that.
no i don't think so i think it sounds like it would work fine
She shakes her head a little, frustrated with herself at just how poorly she's doing tonight. ] You don't have to - you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure you know you can ask for anything. [ And she looks at him for a moment then, utterly sincere and certain. ] Anything, okay?
....are you /sure/?
positive
huh.
i have very firm opinions
i've noticed
man you totally don't need to play along to my conceit
maybe i enjoy it
maybe you're a ridiculously nice person
ack no compliments what do
accept that you're a wonderful person and ily
but
no buts. you really are fantastic.
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those are the shoulders she's rubbing look at those shoulders man
thank you for reminding me i would never have thought to look closely at his shoulders otherwise
i'm glad i could be of service!
i just bet you are :|
ily
ily too
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is this thread wrapping up too?
it could well be, yeah, they're likely just going to stay awake together i think?
and not do anything in particular, yeah, that's what i think too
so long as he stops being an ass :|
shhh he's still coping
that's a terrible method of coping tony
were you expecting a good one????
admittedly not really
thank you
you are welcome. and okay yes i think that's about it for this one