[ Omitting the truth is as close to lying as she allows herself to get with him, and that's because it falls into a different arena. It's not necessary for him to know some things, and she can just skirt around the truth, keep him from learning things that will be unpleasant to learn.
Except right now this is important, and so she's trying to be precise about her words (not always succeeding, but trying), ensuring that nothing she says is not the absolute truth. She's going to give him as few ways to squirm away from this as possible. Keep her face within full view so he can see how honest she's being, keep her body language as open as possible so that if he cares to employ his senses he can read her truthfulness off of it, leave her mind open enough that she's broadcasting her sincerity.
Frankly she's not entirely sure why he's still listening, with how clear it is that he doesn't really want to be. He knows he has a way out and he's not using it, and she's not entirely sure why. But she's glad for it, right now. ] It's been more than ten years since I had anyone stay longer than was absolutely necessary. For anything. Recovery, hook ups, doctors. Everyone just kept leaving, and then I started leaving before they could, or just not letting them be there in the first place. [ She doesn't particularly enjoy saying this, but she's a little committed now, in every way. ]
But you stayed. You're still here. [ In this conversation right now, in the same place as her, and it's been months and months now. ] I don't even know how to begin to say how much that means to me. You could leave right now, but you'd still have been here this long, and it would still have made things better.
[ He's still watching her. He'd like to close off their connection, but he feels like that would be unfair somehow. She's trying to tell him something, and while it might be something he doesn't want to listen to, he can still respect the idea of wanting to tell someone something. He doesn't think he would have ever taken it this far, because as far as he's concerned all you can do is make it obvious that you want them to know something and then their acceptance or refusal is totally on them.
Clearly, she does not share this opinion. So, he doesn't really know why he's still listening either, beyond the fact that she seems to find this important and some part of him finds it necessary to listen to things she deems important.
At first, he's not totally sure what this has to do with him. He doesn't feel as though he's been particularly there for her in any great capacity. He gave her a place to live, sure. Life insurance, but that was really just a pittance, it wasn't something he even gave a second thought - it was there more or less as a hazard of living with him. They haven't shared a whole lot with each other, and if anything that particular street has been slanted from him to her since the inception, which just means he's dumped more of his problems on her than she has on him. He doesn't feel like he's done much here beyond simply being here, and truth be told, he likes having her here for selfish reasons just as much as for her own benefit. He's not sure that really counts.
There is an instinctive negative reaction to the 'you could leave right now' part of what she just said that he can't entirely keep clamped down, but otherwise he simply pulls on the restraints again, slowly, slightly, and then tries to relax. He's got conflicting signals here, coming from his mind and his body both, and he isn't sure what to do with them all, isn't sure what to do with what she's telling him, because he can't accept it, but he can't just ignore it, and that means he's left in some sort of awkward limbo where he's forced to just sit in it, to stew in it, until he makes up his mind one way or the other. ]
[ She pauses at his tug against the restraints, brushes her thumb across his cheek again. ] You could. You could give me the safeword right now and I wouldn't say another word, and you could walk out in a minute. [ Because she still has difficulty believing she truly has this, any of this. Because she will never be able to hold him to something he truly doesn't want.
And no, she doesn't share that opinion much at all. Tony has a terrible habit of not listening to the things he doesn't want to hear or doesn't think he can believe, has a way of dancing his way out of needing to hear them at all, and then dismissing them if he concludes that they aren't right. Which he's doing right now, at least a little bit, she's pretty sure. She doesn't know how to communicate it closer without actually showing him, and she doesn't want to do that to him because it will hurt, at least a little, for both of them, and that's not fair. But him refusing to believe this or acknowledge it is only going to hurt him. ]
You're not the person you insist on thinking of yourself as. [ Quiet but precise, insistent. ] You are not the Merchant of Death, or a failure, or anything in this relationship but an equal partner who has made me very happy. [ She's keeping her space from him, trying to keep him from feeling trapped but still maintaining eye contact with him. ] What you are is a good person. You are absolutely worth anything I have ever managed to do for you and far, far more.
[ He doesn't flinch away from the contact, the way her hand brushes his cheek. He doesn't have a problem with that, really; it's somewhat calming, somewhat reassuring, feels altogether different to the contrast of her words, which - while conveying a positive message and given gently - are still abrasive to his internal dichotomy. The touch is different, tactile in the ways that he craves, and not enough to actually be manipulative. He can allow that without finding ulterior motive, which is what provokes his calming further after she says it. That and the reassurance. He's fairly certain neither of them understands why he hasn't sent her the safeword yet, why he hasn't asked to leave, but he hasn't, and that's the part that matters.
Although with the continued words, we're back to avoidance, in at least as many ways as are available to him right now. He's starting to feel a bit of pressure in his chest, and he's reasonably sure it's from some sort of emotional reaction he doesn't feel like having right now. He just... He doesn't know what to do with what she's saying. Everything about her is telling him it's the truth, and that's almost worse. He'd be more okay with this if she were lying for his benefit, exaggerating because it was something she felt that he needed, but being the truth, straight up without embellishment nor ulterior motive - that's almost not even something he understands. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't understand why it's so important to her that he agrees with her, or at the very least hears this, he doesn't know why he's so opposed to the idea, especially when simply agreeing with her would likely put them back on track to what he was expecting with all of this. ]
[ Neither of them seems to understand it at all, but the fact is that he hasn't, that he's letting her proceed (and it is letting her, the balance of power here is tilted in her favor only so long as he allows it). She's not going to stop until she knows that he believes her, and he doesn't yet, but if her touch is calming then her fingers can remain on his face, soft and warm as she watches him, nothing sexual about the reassurance they're meant to offer. It's just touching for the sake of touching, the way they do sometimes, the way that keeps them both certain of each other's presence.
She's watching him for any sign of a reaction, for any sign that he's believing her, but there isn't one, really. ] Have I ever lied to you? [ It's a different question than normal, but she already knows he trusts her. He wouldn't be here if he didn't trust her. ]
[ No there's nothing remotely sexual about any of this anymore, and it's pretty obvious. He's no longer aroused and frankly right now doesn't really want to be, because the paranoid part of his mind would just see that as another potential way to be manipulated even if the rational part would find the paranoid part fucking retarded for thinking that. The touch is good, grounding, and he feels sort of like he's falling somehow, so it's appreciated.
Well, there isn't one because he isn't. Not yet, anyway, even if he is having trouble scraping together reasons why he shouldn't. Like that, what she's just said. She's never lied to him, not that he's aware of anyway, and he has almost no reason to think she would be right now beyond his own cracked world-view and skewed self-perspective. It's the lack of reasoning that makes him break eye contact again, the fact that he has to shake his head to indicate a negative that increases the pressure in his chest, the repression of yet more reaction. He looks off to the side, away from the touch of her hand, because he's starting to realize that he's disagreeing with her simply because he doesn't want to believe her, and that's a rather frightening thought. ]
[ She doesn't think she particularly wants him aroused right now either, definitely doesn't want him to correlate this particular whole - thing with sex really. (On the other hand, she has to admit this is a sad waste of great foreplay. But you get what you get.) Her hand is just going to linger there, almost cradling his face, as careful and light but steady as she can make it.
And it's going to follow him when he looks to the side, make sure that her touch is steady, because she's always known he had terrible self-esteem (strange, for someone who could be so very arrogant in so many areas, that he would also be incapable of thinking well of himself as a person) but what she's getting from his mind here, the surface areas of it that she can't avoid, the way he's looking away from her - there are only a few reasons for him not believing her despite knowing she doesn't lie to him. And none of them are ones that she would be happy about him having. ]
Believe me now. [ Please, is the impression of her mind. Please believe her, and she leans down to rest her forehead against his. ] I can show you.
[ It has been a serious waste of good foreplay, honestly.
And for that - there's just so much about all of this he doesn't know, which is in and of itself very uncomfortable even beyond the actual content of everything. The gentleness of the touch, the way she follows him when he tries to turn away from her, how careful she's being with everything here from the phrasing to the orchestrated aspect of the situation. The sheer openness of her mind, not invasive, not forcing anything, but there if he wants or needs it, the way she's simply asking him to accept something she's even brought up before a few times, and not actually forcing him to. Asking him quite emphatically, perhaps, but not forcing him to do anything.
It's the please, really. The please and the continued almost actual pleading that does it, he thinks, that causes that tightness and pressure to finally start to force his eyes to water and what the fuck is that, right, that's totally ridiculous. He doesn't want to do that right now. But he's not about to call attention to it either. He's not sure how to answer her though, because he isn't sure he can believe her, but he doesn't want to force her into showing him anything neither of them is actually prepared to handle. ]
[ She's kind of sad about the necessity of that, to be honest.
She's always going to follow him when he turns away from her, until the moment he tells her he doesn't want her to. It's just how she works, when he's involved. She will always want to do whatever she can to reassure him, and right now more than ever. Her presence might not be as effective for that as it normally is, right now, but she wants to try regardless, to do what she can.
It is pleading, really, wrapped up in a bundle of other things to hopefully make it seem less like that, but she can't accept him thinking less of himself for anything to do with her. He means so much to her, and it's so clear to her what a remarkable and wonderful person he is that the thought of him not believing it - she wants him to see himself the way she does. ] I don't - want to do that without your permission, though. But if it would help - [ If it would help, she wants his permission rather badly, right now. ]
[ All he can give her right now are yes and no answers, effectively, which is slowing down his response times the further they get into this conversation. It means he's deprived of qualifiers like it might, or I don't know and I'm not sure, mitigators like if it doesn't help it won't be worse than this or I'm okay with trying it since it clearly means a lot to you that this point, whatever it is, gets made. All he can give her is a Yes, I want to/I think it will help and a No, let me go, it won't change anything, I want to leave. He could try and send her something mentally, but he's got so many emotions right now, most of which he can't identify and at least a significant number of which are currently invested in trying to make him cry now, still, seriously, he's annoyed with that, and he's pretty sure if he does anything aside from try and keep them all closed down as much as he can then she'll suddenly get far more right now than he wants her to. Not that the potential connection he's about to allow will really be any better, but he's not thinking that far ahead right now.
So he gives her one of the two answers at his disposal, in his arsenal, and hopes to god it's the better one he has. He's still not looking at her, but he at least turns his head slightly back towards her just before giving her a nod that she might even feel more with her hand than see with her eyes. ]
[ That is the problem with the gag, yes, that it narrows down his ability to communicate what he wants, but it's also she feels highly necessary to keep him from trying to bullshit his way into not listening to what she's saying, much less having any shot at accepting it. And honestly right now it's a very good thing she can't really see his threatening tears because that might be enough to make her call the whole thing, shut it down and untie him and let him do whatever he wants, because she's not trying to make him cry, here. She just -
All she wants is for him to know and believe that he has done an immense amount for her.
It is easier to feel that through her hand than to actually see it, right now, and she pauses, shuts her eyes as she tries to determine the best way to do this. The easiest, the most true way, would be to simply open the locked doors that are always in her mind, constant and never breached, but she thinks that would be even more overwhelming than something a little more specific. But she can show him a memory of not too long before she met him, a meeting with some of the others, and there's not really much special about it except that everything about her mind in the memory is cold and sharp and angled, no room for warmth or kindness or anything but the mission. Certainly no room for happiness.
And she can let him compare it to everything of her mind she can leave open without overwhelming him, the way things just flow easier, the day to day happiness of the past week, month - months, really. Everything's lighter, and the thing is it's not hard to tell what's made the difference because him and being with him and the anchor his presence turns into is tangled up in her mind quite thoroughly, these days.
She's not sure if that will be enough, yet. Maybe not, maybe she'll have to dig deeper, but she wants to try something simple and hopefully not overwhelming before she tries anything more. See if it'll work. ]
[ Thaaaaaaaat would probably be a little overwhelming, yes. He's already fairly overwhelmed, that's what's causing like at least a third of the problem. He doesn't do that well with emotional overwhelming - his emotions typically run borderline to being so on normalish days; situations like this just catapult them firmly into what-are-we-supposed-to-do-with-this-shit-now.
Like, hey, right now. She's showing him things, and he's keeping himself to himself, as much as he's able to right now, but that's -
That's not a feeling he's used to associating with her. Like, at all. He can barely remember how it was in the beginning, the pair of them, and a lot of that is due to the slow manner in which she opened up, and part of that is simply him having become accustomed to the way they are now. In that respect the gradual climb into this current status eroded his sense of the previous one in the process. But he does take what she's giving him, even if he's tensed slightly in the weight and unease of it. He takes it and flits between the two, if he's able, comparing and contrasting, because that's how he works. He needs to analyse the data. He's somewhat more open to the possibility, because while he did trust her words, this sort of thing is just... inherently more trustworthy.
More trustworthy, but not by itself enough to change his mind. It could be a one-off. It doesn't necessarily leave him as the common denominator (even though it's... fairly obvious he is.) He turns to look at her again though, eyes - he hasn't actually started crying, just got close to it - seeking out any trace of even a lie of omission in her face. ]
[ She thinks someday she'd like to be able to do that, just let down those defenses, but she also thinks that's not really a fair thing to do. They're present for a reason, present almost as much to keep others safe as to keep her safe as is possible from some of the worst memories. And right now - too much, if most likely the most effective.
She can still feel him. She can always feel him. His mind is like a beacon and she's very attuned to it, and right now she has to be connected with it to share this, beyond the normal connection she'd already had to be certain she would get the safeword if he sent it, and it's hard not to feel at least some of what he's feeling. It's an uncomfortable sensation, right now, because she doesn't want to be intruding without his explicit permission, but it's also simply something she can't avoid.
And oh. She draws in a deep breath when she sees his eyes, wets her lips a little nervously and almost breaks off the whole thing right there. She's not trying to make him cry, that's not. There's not a trace of a lie anywhere on her, though, and she knows what he's looking for, holds steady and lets him see whatever he needs. ] It's all the same. If you need more, you can have more, it's just - you won't enjoy it. It wasn't pleasant.
[ The most effective thing typically is too much by someone's standards. It's usually more a question of to whose standards one is applying the scale than it is figuring out what the course of action will be.
It is an uncomfortable sensation, yeah; it's an uncomfortable place to be right now, but Tony Stark's never been one to shy away from uncomfortable subjects, really - he possesses all the tact of an insomniac and the super-ego of the sort of person who could be said to have an actual super ego. Right now though, he is exercising restraint, and not simply entirely because he has yet to entirely shake off the feeling of having been cornered, of warily approaching something that is and has always been quite off-limits, these parts of her mind that she is currently allowing access to. He needs to understand the point she was trying to make, but he no more than her wants to risk what is already in place in the process of doing so.
And yeah, he didn't want her to see his eyes, but the need to reassure himself, to look at her and be unwaveringly certain - that outweighed the need to hide certain aspects from her. He narrows them a little bit at her momentary hesitations, all but dares her to stop right now, because fuck that. She wanted this, this is here now. But it stops when he considers what she's saying. He wants to be fine with what she's shown him already, he does. He'd love for that to have been enough - he'd really love for the words to have been enough, for the previous attempts to have been enough, for the obvious evidence in practice to have been enough - but now that they're here, he needs to be sure. So it's reluctantly, almost apologetically, that he presses a little farther. ]
[ She's okay with it being uncomfortable right now so long as the result is him understanding this, so long as he's also willing to put up with it. This is more important than that. So long as they're both okay coming out of this - it's a good thing she's generally okay at not letting her uncertainty show.
Except that moment was kind of hard, because she doesn't want to hurt him through this and it looks like she is, from his face. But he doesn't want her to stop. She can feel that in his head, see it in the way his expression hardens, and she nods just fractionally. She'll do what she started. Either he tells her to stop or she keeps going, and she's not entirely sure how to feel about this whole thing anymore, just knows that it's still important for him to understand.
Her drawn breath is a little ragged at that press, but it's plenty understandable and she slides her hand through his hair for a moment, sorts things in an attempt to figure out what to show him now. Not all of it, that would be dumb, and an attempt to overview a large space of time would be - bleak. An exhale, and then she's letting him view various memories at choice. Working with her occasional mission partner, and it's clear she cares about them but there's no happiness in it, no relaxation and more calculation to them than concern about each other. Days spent alone bent over computers, and the work is important but there's no real joy to be taken from it. There's no Tony, and while the memories are painful to her in some respects on their own merits, that simple fact is rapidly becoming the thing about them she regrets most. ]
[ It's not really that she's hurting him in as much as she's simply forcing him to do things he really doesn't want to do. It's become easier to accept this idea of himself, and it's one that he's had since he was basically a child, so it's difficult to suddenly, all at once - from his skewed perspective anyway - flip that on its head and insist that the reality is in fact, the precise opposite. Tony Stark is mercurial, loves progress, defines the future, and hates change. He can only deal with it in the superficial sense, almost craves it in the superficial sense, but on any level that carries meaning? It takes quite a lot to turn his powerhouse of a mind around.
But these are even more, even deeper things about her former life that he almost can't reconcile with the Max he knows. He constantly keeps shifting, back and forth, back and forth, between what she's showing him and what he knows of her already, more recent memories and feelings. It's almost enough to produce an odd sort of whiplash, and if his eyes get a little more watery he's going to blame it entirely on how purely... bleak, how detached she feels from everything in these memories. She shouldn't feel like that, and immediately after each flare of negativity there is a surge of anger, because this shouldn't have been what she had to live through. He disagrees.
And then suddenly that's too much. (As predicted.) Too much emotion, too much sharing, and he abruptly tries to pull himself back into his own mind where at least he's comfortable and things make sense, things are familiar. He's got the idea, he got it, and he tries to say something like that, whether it's more physical or through the link - in actuality it's both, but slightly more the link if only because he still has a gag in his mouth and isn't actually that interested in talking anyway - he doesn't know. Just that he got what she was trying to show him, and that it's something he now - also - doesn't know what to do with. It's a great deal of confusion now, down to the core, that he's having to wade through on his way back to calming down. ]
[ There are things people believe about themselves that become so ingrained believing anything else is hard. That what he believes about himself is that he isn't worth it, isn't worth people putting anything into him, is something that she refuses to accept. And she doesn't want to push too hard, but the thing is that as he's proven magnificently over and over tonight, there might not be any other way to make him accept that that's a flawed view of the world, and it is vitally important that he stop believing that about himself because it's just so patently false.
She shakes her head a little with each surge of anger, makes soothing noises as much as she can because it's okay, see, she's fine now, everything's better, she's with him. Him being angry on her behalf, she doesn't know how to deal with that, especially not right now.
He retreats into his mind and she severs all connection between him and her memories, leaves only what was there before, the reassurance and simple presence, as much calm as she can muster. It's not a lot, but whatever it is is impressed threadbare into his mind, anything she can do to help him be okay right now. ] It's okay, it's okay. [ Soft and quiet, pressing her lips to his forehead, hands smoothing across his shoulders, calming. ]
lmao 'no - you're in a relationship with me, nothing's ever going to be okay again'
[ Yes, well, he's also fine now and everything's better and he's with her and she still gets angry about things on his behalf, so. He's well acquainted with 'everything's fine now'; he understands precisely how little the statement can be. He doesn't know how to deal with what she's just given him, it only seems fair that he'd return the favor, if even in a potentially smaller scale.
It's not really so much that he's agitated, it's just- Overwhelming. He's very overwhelmed right now, and he doesn't do very well with that. Being overwhelmed tends to trip his breakers and provoke a system shutdown, just long enough to reboot and regain his bearings. But, right now, that's such a deep-seated sense of overwhelming that restarting isn't fixing the problem, but simply reintroducing it. It all sounds very drastic - and on one level it probably is - but he's quiet and letting her try to help and trying to sort it out on his own. His breathing had gone a little erratic for a second, a little too deep for a while - maybe he is agitated. It feels like anxiety - but it's calming back down and smoothing back out and if that's because he feels a little lightheaded now then at least there's a reason for it. ]
[ That - is a fair point, true. She just doesn't know what to do with people caring enough to be angry that that was her life, because she's become accustomed to the reality of it and the fact that there wasn't a choice. It was just a thing, it happened, she had to deal with it so she did. And everyone else did too, so it didn't make sense for others to get angry about it. Even if she'd had anyone willing to. John had, still, sometimes, but that had always been tainted by how he'd abandoned her to try to achieve her not having to deal with it. So this is something that at once feels nice but she doesn't really know how to respond to at all.
She doesn't particularly know what more she can do for him right now but what she already is, staying close both physically and mentally, open as much as is safe and trying to keep a close eye on anything he might need or want. Reassurance and faith and the steady belief in his goodness is all she knows to offer, right now. ]
[ He doesn't know what he wants for a little while. He probably wanted to be left alone, but at the same time, he really didn't want to be left alone. He wanted to be let go, and then he realized that might not be a great idea right now, and he can't just stay here, tied up with nothing to do, because that will just mean he gets to dwell on things and that is potentially the worst idea of them all, honestly. He doesn't know what he wants. He couldn't even tell her what he needs right now.
So it's a little while where he just accepts the small amounts she can give him, the small amounts she is giving him in an attempt to help him stay calm and stop with the overload. He appreciates her presence, curls into it as much as his current restraints will allow - and he still likes those, oddly. They make him feel safe when she's here, like she won't let anything happen to him, even if it's him - and takes what it will give him. He would like to kiss her - he almost needs to kiss her, really, but he doesn't quite know how to express this specifically. He can try and think it at her, stare at her lips. He doesn't want to be let go, he just wants to kiss her, he needs to, and then she can put the gag right back on, he doesn't care. It's probably a better idea if she does.
Really he just wants her to stay. He wants to stay like this until he can relax, and relax fully. Otherwise he'll get up and work himself back up and then be agitated and that won't help anyone, now will it? That would be the opposite of what she's just tried to do, what he's still trying to accept. ]
it's okay though his brand of not okay can be pretty great
[ She's not going to let him alone right now unless he's very clear in that desire, because it feels kind of like a very bad idea, but the whole possibility of dwelling if he simply remains trapped is also a problem. She's playing this moment entirely by ear, really, trying to determine moment by moment what he needs or wants, what the difference between those two things might be. That he is okay is the most important thing right now, nothing surpassing it.
And she does pick up on that thread of thought, because she's paying rather close attention to his mind right now, any part of it that he's letting stay open to her, and that's practically aimed at her. There's a moment where she just watches him, trying to be certain that that's what he wants, but he seems fairly certain and kissing him is something she's not at all opposed to, is something that she thinks might be good for them both right now. She slips the knot of the gag loose, replaces the cloth with her mouth almost as soon as it's gone so that there's no space for him to try to say something. Right now she doesn't want him to say things, just figure it out for himself. Her kiss is thorough, calm but possessive and claiming, a little rough. Hers, hers, hers, that is what her mouth is saying, because right now she feels a need to reiterate that.
There's no chance of her leaving, not until he wants her to, so he's safe there. She's going to stay with him for as long as he wants her. ]
[ He's actually somewhat pleased when just having thought it at her seems to have worked, she's reaching for the gag, and there's a split second where he wants to say something, is thinking of what he is going to say despite how not more than four seconds ago he had decided he didn't feel like talking. There's this split second that happens before the choice is once more removed from him, and he's grateful for that all over again, just as much as he is that she listened and is letting him have this, have this kiss. She's kissing him like he's worth something, like he's something she considers valuable, something she wants to keep, and it brings the tightness in his throat and some of the water in his eyes right back. He ignores them both though, kissing her back as much as he can with his limited range of movement and the way she's controlling the kiss itself. He lets her claim him, feels warm and wanted because of it, but pushes back occasionally in the attempt to also say something with the kiss. It isn't often that Tony Stark can accurately express gratitude - and maybe that's not what this is, per se, because he's still accepting the thing he's supposed to be giving her thanks for - but this is fairly close, all considered.
As long as she's not leaving, as long as this kiss lasts for at least a minute or two, after that, he doesn't know. He isn't thinking that far ahead right now, really. He's not thinking ahead too much at all - his trains of thought are all moving sluggishly, overloaded and too heavy to run in the smooth lines and systems they're typically used to. He just knows that right now, this moment, he's okay. ]
[ She could have guessed that he was going to try to think of something to say anyways, part of why she kissed him as soon as the gag was gone, because she doesn't think he's actually ready to say anything yet, would be saying things for the sake of saying them and that's not necessary. She doesn't need to hear anything from him until he actually wants to say it. The rest of her reason for kissing him is simply because she wants to, badly, wants to feel them together in some respect, the way their mouths fit together and how he pushes back against her. He's giving back, there, and she's not entirely sure what it is he's saying but she knows that she likes it.
There is no way she's going to leave him right now, not until he either asks her to or she is certainly that leaving wouldn't harm any of the progress she thinks she's finally made. There's a thoroughness to the press of her mouth that means this kiss can go on as long as it takes for him to think of what he wants next. Anyways, she's not thinking very far ahead right now either. Most of her attention is fixed on him and the way he feels beneath her and the faint feeling of okay-ness she's getting from him. That's all she wants, really. Him to be okay. ]
[ He's totally not ready to say anything yet - if he had had the chance to speak, he would have started talking about something else, probably, and that's not helpful or beneficial right now. Not necessarily the precise opposite of those either, but right now the situation could probably use all the help and benefits it can get.
Like this kiss, which is saying so much anyway, reinforcing everything she just told him, everything she just showed him, and he doesn't know how to accept that but he can accept this, the tangible proof of it beyond the ephemerality of memory and emotion. She's being definitive, not allowing for any misunderstanding, and she's taking her time with him. He still doesn't know what to do, really, but he can tell that something has shifted. Hopefully it will stay that way.
He starts to disengage when he starts to run out of breath in earnest. He stayed with her as long as he could - partially because it was just a really good kiss and partially because he was still considering what he was going to do now - but he does eventually have to pull away, pulling in deep lungfuls of air. And, hey, if that was another way to keep himself from talking, give himself some more time, he's okay with it too.
But now he's not doing anything and he still can't move and he's looking at her trying not to actually pant the breath back into himself and he has no idea what he wants. He wanted this, without the trick. He might still want it. He doesn't want to be left alone, and he's fairly certain that if they stop here and he gets up and dressed and they go try to do something, anything, it will almost immediately feel awkward and they'll split out of separate senses of preservation. He might still be trying to find the last traces of reassurance, one last check for deceit in her eyes. Mostly though, he wants her to say something. He thinks she's probably waiting on him to say something, but all he can offer her right now is the clear feeling of not wanting to be alone - which she clearly already has - and a sense of trying to come to his feet on what is now a very shaken foundation. He needs something to build it back up with, and he has no idea what that would be. ]
[ That was approximately what she was thinking, too, when she kissed him, because right now it's best to keep things simple and free of complications.
Even if some complications are pretty understandable. Regardless of that, she thinks this kiss is pretty important. She's showing him as much care as she can with it, as much effort towards understanding and being there for him in any way he needs as possible. As much as one can show it with a kiss, she's trying to provide him tangible proof that she doesn't intend to go anywhere. Not now, and not ever until he wants her to.
There's a long moment after he has to pull away for air where she's just watching him, silent and heavy and one hand curled around the back of his neck where she'd reached it for cementing purposes. What now? She's not entirely sure, just yet, but she knows that this next part is perhaps just as important as the actual telling. If she treads it wrong all the progress she just made could go away, and she can't have that again. So she watches him for a little bit, dark eyes searching for something in his face and in the meantime leaving her clear and open for his search for any lack of truth.
And then she dips her head and presses her lips against the side of his neck, warm and soft, breathes out against the skin as she moves a little away before moving downwards a little bit, planting a trail of kisses down his neck around to the hollow of his throat. ] I'm so happy I met you. [ She's just going to keep telling him this for a little bit, probably, leave it printed clear in her mind open to his if he wants it. ]
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Except right now this is important, and so she's trying to be precise about her words (not always succeeding, but trying), ensuring that nothing she says is not the absolute truth. She's going to give him as few ways to squirm away from this as possible. Keep her face within full view so he can see how honest she's being, keep her body language as open as possible so that if he cares to employ his senses he can read her truthfulness off of it, leave her mind open enough that she's broadcasting her sincerity.
Frankly she's not entirely sure why he's still listening, with how clear it is that he doesn't really want to be. He knows he has a way out and he's not using it, and she's not entirely sure why. But she's glad for it, right now. ] It's been more than ten years since I had anyone stay longer than was absolutely necessary. For anything. Recovery, hook ups, doctors. Everyone just kept leaving, and then I started leaving before they could, or just not letting them be there in the first place. [ She doesn't particularly enjoy saying this, but she's a little committed now, in every way. ]
But you stayed. You're still here. [ In this conversation right now, in the same place as her, and it's been months and months now. ] I don't even know how to begin to say how much that means to me. You could leave right now, but you'd still have been here this long, and it would still have made things better.
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Clearly, she does not share this opinion. So, he doesn't really know why he's still listening either, beyond the fact that she seems to find this important and some part of him finds it necessary to listen to things she deems important.
At first, he's not totally sure what this has to do with him. He doesn't feel as though he's been particularly there for her in any great capacity. He gave her a place to live, sure. Life insurance, but that was really just a pittance, it wasn't something he even gave a second thought - it was there more or less as a hazard of living with him. They haven't shared a whole lot with each other, and if anything that particular street has been slanted from him to her since the inception, which just means he's dumped more of his problems on her than she has on him. He doesn't feel like he's done much here beyond simply being here, and truth be told, he likes having her here for selfish reasons just as much as for her own benefit. He's not sure that really counts.
There is an instinctive negative reaction to the 'you could leave right now' part of what she just said that he can't entirely keep clamped down, but otherwise he simply pulls on the restraints again, slowly, slightly, and then tries to relax. He's got conflicting signals here, coming from his mind and his body both, and he isn't sure what to do with them all, isn't sure what to do with what she's telling him, because he can't accept it, but he can't just ignore it, and that means he's left in some sort of awkward limbo where he's forced to just sit in it, to stew in it, until he makes up his mind one way or the other. ]
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And no, she doesn't share that opinion much at all. Tony has a terrible habit of not listening to the things he doesn't want to hear or doesn't think he can believe, has a way of dancing his way out of needing to hear them at all, and then dismissing them if he concludes that they aren't right. Which he's doing right now, at least a little bit, she's pretty sure. She doesn't know how to communicate it closer without actually showing him, and she doesn't want to do that to him because it will hurt, at least a little, for both of them, and that's not fair. But him refusing to believe this or acknowledge it is only going to hurt him. ]
You're not the person you insist on thinking of yourself as. [ Quiet but precise, insistent. ] You are not the Merchant of Death, or a failure, or anything in this relationship but an equal partner who has made me very happy. [ She's keeping her space from him, trying to keep him from feeling trapped but still maintaining eye contact with him. ] What you are is a good person. You are absolutely worth anything I have ever managed to do for you and far, far more.
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Although with the continued words, we're back to avoidance, in at least as many ways as are available to him right now. He's starting to feel a bit of pressure in his chest, and he's reasonably sure it's from some sort of emotional reaction he doesn't feel like having right now. He just... He doesn't know what to do with what she's saying. Everything about her is telling him it's the truth, and that's almost worse. He'd be more okay with this if she were lying for his benefit, exaggerating because it was something she felt that he needed, but being the truth, straight up without embellishment nor ulterior motive - that's almost not even something he understands. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't understand why it's so important to her that he agrees with her, or at the very least hears this, he doesn't know why he's so opposed to the idea, especially when simply agreeing with her would likely put them back on track to what he was expecting with all of this. ]
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She's watching him for any sign of a reaction, for any sign that he's believing her, but there isn't one, really. ] Have I ever lied to you? [ It's a different question than normal, but she already knows he trusts her. He wouldn't be here if he didn't trust her. ]
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Well, there isn't one because he isn't. Not yet, anyway, even if he is having trouble scraping together reasons why he shouldn't. Like that, what she's just said. She's never lied to him, not that he's aware of anyway, and he has almost no reason to think she would be right now beyond his own cracked world-view and skewed self-perspective. It's the lack of reasoning that makes him break eye contact again, the fact that he has to shake his head to indicate a negative that increases the pressure in his chest, the repression of yet more reaction. He looks off to the side, away from the touch of her hand, because he's starting to realize that he's disagreeing with her simply because he doesn't want to believe her, and that's a rather frightening thought. ]
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And it's going to follow him when he looks to the side, make sure that her touch is steady, because she's always known he had terrible self-esteem (strange, for someone who could be so very arrogant in so many areas, that he would also be incapable of thinking well of himself as a person) but what she's getting from his mind here, the surface areas of it that she can't avoid, the way he's looking away from her - there are only a few reasons for him not believing her despite knowing she doesn't lie to him. And none of them are ones that she would be happy about him having. ]
Believe me now. [ Please, is the impression of her mind. Please believe her, and she leans down to rest her forehead against his. ] I can show you.
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And for that - there's just so much about all of this he doesn't know, which is in and of itself very uncomfortable even beyond the actual content of everything. The gentleness of the touch, the way she follows him when he tries to turn away from her, how careful she's being with everything here from the phrasing to the orchestrated aspect of the situation. The sheer openness of her mind, not invasive, not forcing anything, but there if he wants or needs it, the way she's simply asking him to accept something she's even brought up before a few times, and not actually forcing him to. Asking him quite emphatically, perhaps, but not forcing him to do anything.
It's the please, really. The please and the continued almost actual pleading that does it, he thinks, that causes that tightness and pressure to finally start to force his eyes to water and what the fuck is that, right, that's totally ridiculous. He doesn't want to do that right now. But he's not about to call attention to it either. He's not sure how to answer her though, because he isn't sure he can believe her, but he doesn't want to force her into showing him anything neither of them is actually prepared to handle. ]
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She's always going to follow him when he turns away from her, until the moment he tells her he doesn't want her to. It's just how she works, when he's involved. She will always want to do whatever she can to reassure him, and right now more than ever. Her presence might not be as effective for that as it normally is, right now, but she wants to try regardless, to do what she can.
It is pleading, really, wrapped up in a bundle of other things to hopefully make it seem less like that, but she can't accept him thinking less of himself for anything to do with her. He means so much to her, and it's so clear to her what a remarkable and wonderful person he is that the thought of him not believing it - she wants him to see himself the way she does. ] I don't - want to do that without your permission, though. But if it would help - [ If it would help, she wants his permission rather badly, right now. ]
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So he gives her one of the two answers at his disposal, in his arsenal, and hopes to god it's the better one he has. He's still not looking at her, but he at least turns his head slightly back towards her just before giving her a nod that she might even feel more with her hand than see with her eyes. ]
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All she wants is for him to know and believe that he has done an immense amount for her.
It is easier to feel that through her hand than to actually see it, right now, and she pauses, shuts her eyes as she tries to determine the best way to do this. The easiest, the most true way, would be to simply open the locked doors that are always in her mind, constant and never breached, but she thinks that would be even more overwhelming than something a little more specific. But she can show him a memory of not too long before she met him, a meeting with some of the others, and there's not really much special about it except that everything about her mind in the memory is cold and sharp and angled, no room for warmth or kindness or anything but the mission. Certainly no room for happiness.
And she can let him compare it to everything of her mind she can leave open without overwhelming him, the way things just flow easier, the day to day happiness of the past week, month - months, really. Everything's lighter, and the thing is it's not hard to tell what's made the difference because him and being with him and the anchor his presence turns into is tangled up in her mind quite thoroughly, these days.
She's not sure if that will be enough, yet. Maybe not, maybe she'll have to dig deeper, but she wants to try something simple and hopefully not overwhelming before she tries anything more. See if it'll work. ]
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Like, hey, right now. She's showing him things, and he's keeping himself to himself, as much as he's able to right now, but that's -
That's not a feeling he's used to associating with her. Like, at all. He can barely remember how it was in the beginning, the pair of them, and a lot of that is due to the slow manner in which she opened up, and part of that is simply him having become accustomed to the way they are now. In that respect the gradual climb into this current status eroded his sense of the previous one in the process. But he does take what she's giving him, even if he's tensed slightly in the weight and unease of it. He takes it and flits between the two, if he's able, comparing and contrasting, because that's how he works. He needs to analyse the data. He's somewhat more open to the possibility, because while he did trust her words, this sort of thing is just... inherently more trustworthy.
More trustworthy, but not by itself enough to change his mind. It could be a one-off. It doesn't necessarily leave him as the common denominator (even though it's... fairly obvious he is.) He turns to look at her again though, eyes - he hasn't actually started crying, just got close to it - seeking out any trace of even a lie of omission in her face. ]
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She can still feel him. She can always feel him. His mind is like a beacon and she's very attuned to it, and right now she has to be connected with it to share this, beyond the normal connection she'd already had to be certain she would get the safeword if he sent it, and it's hard not to feel at least some of what he's feeling. It's an uncomfortable sensation, right now, because she doesn't want to be intruding without his explicit permission, but it's also simply something she can't avoid.
And oh. She draws in a deep breath when she sees his eyes, wets her lips a little nervously and almost breaks off the whole thing right there. She's not trying to make him cry, that's not. There's not a trace of a lie anywhere on her, though, and she knows what he's looking for, holds steady and lets him see whatever he needs. ] It's all the same. If you need more, you can have more, it's just - you won't enjoy it. It wasn't pleasant.
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It is an uncomfortable sensation, yeah; it's an uncomfortable place to be right now, but Tony Stark's never been one to shy away from uncomfortable subjects, really - he possesses all the tact of an insomniac and the super-ego of the sort of person who could be said to have an actual super ego. Right now though, he is exercising restraint, and not simply entirely because he has yet to entirely shake off the feeling of having been cornered, of warily approaching something that is and has always been quite off-limits, these parts of her mind that she is currently allowing access to. He needs to understand the point she was trying to make, but he no more than her wants to risk what is already in place in the process of doing so.
And yeah, he didn't want her to see his eyes, but the need to reassure himself, to look at her and be unwaveringly certain - that outweighed the need to hide certain aspects from her. He narrows them a little bit at her momentary hesitations, all but dares her to stop right now, because fuck that. She wanted this, this is here now. But it stops when he considers what she's saying. He wants to be fine with what she's shown him already, he does. He'd love for that to have been enough - he'd really love for the words to have been enough, for the previous attempts to have been enough, for the obvious evidence in practice to have been enough - but now that they're here, he needs to be sure. So it's reluctantly, almost apologetically, that he presses a little farther. ]
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Except that moment was kind of hard, because she doesn't want to hurt him through this and it looks like she is, from his face. But he doesn't want her to stop. She can feel that in his head, see it in the way his expression hardens, and she nods just fractionally. She'll do what she started. Either he tells her to stop or she keeps going, and she's not entirely sure how to feel about this whole thing anymore, just knows that it's still important for him to understand.
Her drawn breath is a little ragged at that press, but it's plenty understandable and she slides her hand through his hair for a moment, sorts things in an attempt to figure out what to show him now. Not all of it, that would be dumb, and an attempt to overview a large space of time would be - bleak. An exhale, and then she's letting him view various memories at choice. Working with her occasional mission partner, and it's clear she cares about them but there's no happiness in it, no relaxation and more calculation to them than concern about each other. Days spent alone bent over computers, and the work is important but there's no real joy to be taken from it. There's no Tony, and while the memories are painful to her in some respects on their own merits, that simple fact is rapidly becoming the thing about them she regrets most. ]
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But these are even more, even deeper things about her former life that he almost can't reconcile with the Max he knows. He constantly keeps shifting, back and forth, back and forth, between what she's showing him and what he knows of her already, more recent memories and feelings. It's almost enough to produce an odd sort of whiplash, and if his eyes get a little more watery he's going to blame it entirely on how purely... bleak, how detached she feels from everything in these memories. She shouldn't feel like that, and immediately after each flare of negativity there is a surge of anger, because this shouldn't have been what she had to live through. He disagrees.
And then suddenly that's too much. (As predicted.) Too much emotion, too much sharing, and he abruptly tries to pull himself back into his own mind where at least he's comfortable and things make sense, things are familiar. He's got the idea, he got it, and he tries to say something like that, whether it's more physical or through the link - in actuality it's both, but slightly more the link if only because he still has a gag in his mouth and isn't actually that interested in talking anyway - he doesn't know. Just that he got what she was trying to show him, and that it's something he now - also - doesn't know what to do with. It's a great deal of confusion now, down to the core, that he's having to wade through on his way back to calming down. ]
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She shakes her head a little with each surge of anger, makes soothing noises as much as she can because it's okay, see, she's fine now, everything's better, she's with him. Him being angry on her behalf, she doesn't know how to deal with that, especially not right now.
He retreats into his mind and she severs all connection between him and her memories, leaves only what was there before, the reassurance and simple presence, as much calm as she can muster. It's not a lot, but whatever it is is impressed threadbare into his mind, anything she can do to help him be okay right now. ] It's okay, it's okay. [ Soft and quiet, pressing her lips to his forehead, hands smoothing across his shoulders, calming. ]
lmao 'no - you're in a relationship with me, nothing's ever going to be okay again'
It's not really so much that he's agitated, it's just- Overwhelming. He's very overwhelmed right now, and he doesn't do very well with that. Being overwhelmed tends to trip his breakers and provoke a system shutdown, just long enough to reboot and regain his bearings. But, right now, that's such a deep-seated sense of overwhelming that restarting isn't fixing the problem, but simply reintroducing it. It all sounds very drastic - and on one level it probably is - but he's quiet and letting her try to help and trying to sort it out on his own. His breathing had gone a little erratic for a second, a little too deep for a while - maybe he is agitated. It feels like anxiety - but it's calming back down and smoothing back out and if that's because he feels a little lightheaded now then at least there's a reason for it. ]
alskdfd it's far too true
She doesn't particularly know what more she can do for him right now but what she already is, staying close both physically and mentally, open as much as is safe and trying to keep a close eye on anything he might need or want. Reassurance and faith and the steady belief in his goodness is all she knows to offer, right now. ]
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So it's a little while where he just accepts the small amounts she can give him, the small amounts she is giving him in an attempt to help him stay calm and stop with the overload. He appreciates her presence, curls into it as much as his current restraints will allow - and he still likes those, oddly. They make him feel safe when she's here, like she won't let anything happen to him, even if it's him - and takes what it will give him. He would like to kiss her - he almost needs to kiss her, really, but he doesn't quite know how to express this specifically. He can try and think it at her, stare at her lips. He doesn't want to be let go, he just wants to kiss her, he needs to, and then she can put the gag right back on, he doesn't care. It's probably a better idea if she does.
Really he just wants her to stay. He wants to stay like this until he can relax, and relax fully. Otherwise he'll get up and work himself back up and then be agitated and that won't help anyone, now will it? That would be the opposite of what she's just tried to do, what he's still trying to accept. ]
it's okay though his brand of not okay can be pretty great
And she does pick up on that thread of thought, because she's paying rather close attention to his mind right now, any part of it that he's letting stay open to her, and that's practically aimed at her. There's a moment where she just watches him, trying to be certain that that's what he wants, but he seems fairly certain and kissing him is something she's not at all opposed to, is something that she thinks might be good for them both right now. She slips the knot of the gag loose, replaces the cloth with her mouth almost as soon as it's gone so that there's no space for him to try to say something. Right now she doesn't want him to say things, just figure it out for himself. Her kiss is thorough, calm but possessive and claiming, a little rough. Hers, hers, hers, that is what her mouth is saying, because right now she feels a need to reiterate that.
There's no chance of her leaving, not until he wants her to, so he's safe there. She's going to stay with him for as long as he wants her. ]
fun to play out anyway
As long as she's not leaving, as long as this kiss lasts for at least a minute or two, after that, he doesn't know. He isn't thinking that far ahead right now, really. He's not thinking ahead too much at all - his trains of thought are all moving sluggishly, overloaded and too heavy to run in the smooth lines and systems they're typically used to. He just knows that right now, this moment, he's okay. ]
that is for sure
There is no way she's going to leave him right now, not until he either asks her to or she is certainly that leaving wouldn't harm any of the progress she thinks she's finally made. There's a thoroughness to the press of her mouth that means this kiss can go on as long as it takes for him to think of what he wants next. Anyways, she's not thinking very far ahead right now either. Most of her attention is fixed on him and the way he feels beneath her and the faint feeling of okay-ness she's getting from him. That's all she wants, really. Him to be okay. ]
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Like this kiss, which is saying so much anyway, reinforcing everything she just told him, everything she just showed him, and he doesn't know how to accept that but he can accept this, the tangible proof of it beyond the ephemerality of memory and emotion. She's being definitive, not allowing for any misunderstanding, and she's taking her time with him. He still doesn't know what to do, really, but he can tell that something has shifted. Hopefully it will stay that way.
He starts to disengage when he starts to run out of breath in earnest. He stayed with her as long as he could - partially because it was just a really good kiss and partially because he was still considering what he was going to do now - but he does eventually have to pull away, pulling in deep lungfuls of air. And, hey, if that was another way to keep himself from talking, give himself some more time, he's okay with it too.
But now he's not doing anything and he still can't move and he's looking at her trying not to actually pant the breath back into himself and he has no idea what he wants. He wanted this, without the trick. He might still want it. He doesn't want to be left alone, and he's fairly certain that if they stop here and he gets up and dressed and they go try to do something, anything, it will almost immediately feel awkward and they'll split out of separate senses of preservation. He might still be trying to find the last traces of reassurance, one last check for deceit in her eyes. Mostly though, he wants her to say something. He thinks she's probably waiting on him to say something, but all he can offer her right now is the clear feeling of not wanting to be alone - which she clearly already has - and a sense of trying to come to his feet on what is now a very shaken foundation. He needs something to build it back up with, and he has no idea what that would be. ]
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Even if some complications are pretty understandable. Regardless of that, she thinks this kiss is pretty important. She's showing him as much care as she can with it, as much effort towards understanding and being there for him in any way he needs as possible. As much as one can show it with a kiss, she's trying to provide him tangible proof that she doesn't intend to go anywhere. Not now, and not ever until he wants her to.
There's a long moment after he has to pull away for air where she's just watching him, silent and heavy and one hand curled around the back of his neck where she'd reached it for cementing purposes. What now? She's not entirely sure, just yet, but she knows that this next part is perhaps just as important as the actual telling. If she treads it wrong all the progress she just made could go away, and she can't have that again. So she watches him for a little bit, dark eyes searching for something in his face and in the meantime leaving her clear and open for his search for any lack of truth.
And then she dips her head and presses her lips against the side of his neck, warm and soft, breathes out against the skin as she moves a little away before moving downwards a little bit, planting a trail of kisses down his neck around to the hollow of his throat. ] I'm so happy I met you. [ She's just going to keep telling him this for a little bit, probably, leave it printed clear in her mind open to his if he wants it. ]
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most unrealistic part of im3: that absolutely no one recognised him except gary
yes basically
and oh boy did gary make up for it
he knew his job and he fulfilled it with great intent
and ENTHUSIASM
so much enthusiasm oh my god
slightly frightening enthusiasm, actually. also the rest after workkk
look he had to make up for everyone else's lack of enthusiasm
had to go back several comments to see whose enthusiasm we were even talking about
lmao me too
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