fe_male | memeboxing

[ He's fairly out of breath when she's done kissing him but he's not going to let a little thing like respiration stop him from talking. His eyes track the movements of her hands - he typically does watch her as she restrains him, for reasons he can't really explain. He just needs to watch her do it, because otherwise it might not be what he's expecting, or something. He hasn't really bothered to try and dissect the mentality there. ] I liked it. You can keep going though, I like that too.

[ Well if he's not going to let a simple matter like needing breath stop him from talking she's going to have to get a little more inventive in a moment here, isn't she? ] Can I now? [ But she's watching him watching her, for the moment, and then switching over to secure his other hand because she does have a purpose to get to, here, once she's ready. It's not until she's thoroughly finished making sure that his range of movement is pretty limited that she does lean in to kiss him again, heated and insistent and with everything she needs to say to him in it, her hands sliding up to cradle his face as she presses him down against the mattress. ]

[ He has to, it's something he always does, surreptitiously or not, but he has to test them. Once everything is on, he needs to test the restraints. This time it's just casual, quiet, a short tug and a slow pull on each of them more or less in turn. And then she's kissing him again, which saved him the bother of shifting his attention to her after he was finished testing, since she's now simply claimed his attention anyway. But he loves what she does, holding his face (keeping him still) and pressing him down into the mattress in the process. There's a low note of approval from his chest as she does. ]

[ She thinks she's used to him testing the restraints by now, a little, and there's a tiny space she gives him to finish that before she's making sure that she has his attention completely, that he can't shift or move away from her, can't do anything but kiss her back. And she's kissing him quite intently, wanting to get as much as she can out of this right now before she has to pull away, like she does now because it's time to get on with things. Her eyes scan his face but she doesn't ask how that one was, this time, just slides the gag off of her shoulder and holds it loosely in one fist, resting against the mattress by his head as she stays in place watching him. ]

[ By the time she pulls away this time, he's breathing quite heavily, between the duration of it, the slightly lower lung capacity, the depth of it and the way he was already breathing before. He doesn't have the breath nor the inclination to speak this time, simply lie there and watch her, eyes darting between her and the gag when she pulls it off her shoulder, mouth open to pull in air a little faster. If his lips look a little bruised already that just adds to the picture, right? He can't see the gag when she places it next to his head, not without turning to look at it, and he'd rather look at her right now, so he simply looks between her face and as far down the arm holding the gag as he can. Gags are a thing he's typically okay with, but occasionally he resents losing the ability to talk. She hadn't initially said anything about a gag when she proposed all of this, and while he's not objecting to the use of one right now, it does mean a shift in things mentally. A gag in addition to the spread way he's restrained is a different situation than otherwise.

But he's okay with the idea, right now. He's not making any objections, just lying there as he catches his breath, waiting on her to do something. ]

[ It is a rather different situation than the one he'd otherwise be, but in part that's because she's planned this out rather carefully so that it is a specific kind of situation. Even if he's making it really hard to have any desire to switch from sex to talking, the way his lips are a little swollen and he's drawing in air and his body open and warm beneath her. This is the only downside to her plan, really. She is proving her own most effective cockblock right now.

But it's important, and after that moment of waiting to see if he has objections she rebalances herself so that she can raise both of her hands, work on putting the gag into place and making sure that it's not obstructing anything, that he can still get air and that nothing here is going to go wrong. And then she nods firmly and hovers over him, not touching in any respect as she watches him. ] I want to tell you something.

[ Well maybe she'll switch back to sex after the talking is done. Because as she finishes fitting the gag on - he swallows a little bit, compulsively. It's a gag, and that's one thing, but again with the situation and then the anticipation and everything, they're close now, to finally getting started, and the thing in his mouth is a little awkward but that's more or less the point of the thing.

But that. What?

He narrows his eyes a little bit, watching her, because he's not sure where this is going. It could still just be an interesting prelude, but the shift in atmosphere just there is indicating otherwise. He's not going to decide anything just yet though, not until she's progressed a little further. As it is right now, he'd prefer to be touching, so he puts a little bit of effort into arching up to reach her, see if she'll allow that. ]

[ She would love to, if he's still okay with her being involved in anything intimate with him at that moment. Because she's kind of worried he's going to have a really adverse reaction to this, and if he does that's not going to be fun. But still worth it, hopefully, in the end.

She clears her throat.

This feels weird. One hand reaches up to stroke his cheek, her expression soft and sure and caring as she watches him for that moment, then reaches down to splay her hand across his chest, keep him down. ] And I think it's important for you to know, and to actually listen to. [ A moment's pause, letting that sink in. ] You have done so much for me. I know - I can feel it, when you think you haven't done enough. You have done far more than enough.

[ He doesn't move away from her touch, the way she brushes his cheek. Just keeps watching her carefully, not quite warily but she's clearly planned this out or something and he doesn't appreciate being mislead like this. He puts up some resistance when she pushes him back down, but he has neither truly the will nor the leverage to put a whole lot into it, and he quickly winds up sinking back into the mattress with the press of her hand.

And then she's talking, and his face darkens a little more than just the narrowed eyes, because he doesn't appreciate the misdirection, even if he instantly knows why it was necessary. And he doesn't send her the safeword through the link, even though he would clearly like her to stop. This isn't what he wanted. Like, ever. He doesn't want her knowing about this inadequacy, doesn't want her thinking it's her fault or something that she needs to fix, because as far as he's concerned this is his own issue, his own thing to have to deal with. And he was dealing with it just fine. Considering that they have a link up already for the communication, he's trying to keep most of this to himself but if she has her end of the connection as open and responsive as she likely does, to catch his sending her a safeword, she's likely getting glimpses here and there. ]

[ She has totally planned this out, which is probably a good thing because it would never have ever happened anyways.

Or, you know, depending on his reaction that could be a good thing. It never happening. But she's pretty committed now, considering what she's already said, and she wants to kiss him again, or touch him more, but she thinks pairing this that directly with the sexual would somehow make the message not as effective. And she needs it to be effective precisely because of the way his eyes narrowed and his face is darkening at her. (She really dislikes that look directed at her, can it go away now.)

But no, see, what she's catching in his mind is precisely why this needs to be said and she's shaking her head immediately, almost as soon as he's starting to think it in reaction to what she's said. ] I'm an empath, nobody has to know how unhappy I am unless I want them to. And I never wanted you to, when we met, and then by the time I would have trusted you to show you I wasn't so unhappy anymore, and that was because of you. [ That was a mess. ] What I'm saying is, it's my fault you never really see the results of what you're doing but you are - you are helping, always, immeasurably so.

[ Pairing it directly with the sexual would feel manipulative, and he's been manipulated physically before - it would be a very bad idea. Actually just talking to him is probably going to be her best bet. It's pairing it with instant gratification in the process that will make him angry and refuse to let this continue. He doesn't appreciate being manipulated, especially not by the people he's closest to, no matter what the actual purpose of it happens to be.

The look she's being given isn't changing that much, although he is continuing to listen to her, which is something. He's testing the cuffs again at the same time, but that might just be a sudden bout of restlessness more than any desire to actually try and break free of them. If he wanted to break free of them, he probably could, eventually. So he's listening, he is, he just doesn't look like he is. And he's aware he's likely projecting without meaning to but that doesn't mean he still also doesn't appreciate her being able to read him so easily like that. He doesn't like that she can understand his refutations before he even has a chance to technically voice them, and he doesn't know what to do with what she's telling him. She's telling him that he is helping, that he just has to trust her in the scope and scale of his influence, and he doesn't want to. He almost can't. He can't think that he's had that much of an impact on her, on anyone, because it contradicts... So many base truths he holds about himself. Ones he doesn't even know the specific criteria for, just that they're being contradicted.

So, outwardly, he breaks eye-contact. Looks slightly off to somewhere else in the room with a small shake of his head. ]

[ It would be like coaxing him into agreement, and when paired with sex and being tied down that gains qualities that she dislikes quite fast even with the presence of a safeword that she has no intentions of ignoring. If he sent it right now she'd stop, untie him, and let him have space to himself.

But he's not, not yet, and she knows he knows the possibility is there so that's something, right? And he's not actively refusing to acknowledge what she's saying, even if he's clearly not very happy about it. She really wants him to stop looking at her like that, though, wants to make him realize that she's not lying about this, that she means every word she's saying. But he's looking away and he's shaking his head and in his mind he's rejecting it, refusing to believe it despite the fact that she's said it, that she does't lie to him. ]

I could show you. [ It's quiet and soft and very subdued, because this is a step she's not sure she wants to take particularly. ] Neither of us would enjoy it, though. You gave me a home, Tony, I haven't had that since I was 21. Do you remember me telling you once that I wasn't used to people still being there?

[ She doesn't lie to him, that's true. She doesn't and as far as he's concerned or aware, she never has. She's omitted the truth before, and that's borderline, but never without at least some sort of reason, and never an outright lie. It would be difficult to be doing anything but outright lying if anything she's telling him right now isn't the direct truth.

But that still doesn't mean he has to accept it. He doesn't, and he isn't, and he probably won't until she finds some other way to present it.

At this point his whole body is tensed. He can't really help it, the way he feels cornered, tricked into listening to something she clearly knew that he didn't want to hear. She did this on purpose and he still doesn't like that, still isn't sure where that ranks on the scale of lying and betrayal. (Not quite so high as either of those, but it's still somewhere on that scale of things, and that's perhaps his least favorite scale of them all.) Physically, he wants to be somewhere else, but mentally he's staying because this is important to her. It's what helps to create the tension, because everything sexual about this flagged instantly when he realized what was happening. (And that's another thing he doesn't know how to feel about. Normally he has no problems being naked, even when others aren't, but this is a revealing, exposing, cutting conversation, and he doesn't have any pants on and that's just yet another layer to it all. He knows why, he just has feelings about why that he can't really do anything about.)

When she speaks again, quieter and subdued, he doesn't look at her again until she mentions that neither of them would like the process of her actually showing him. He doesn't doubt that's true. He's shown her things from his past and they weren't fun experiences. He is, in retrospect, glad those experiences happened, but he didn't enjoy them at the time. It took a while for him to finally appreciate them. So he looks back to her, somewhat warily, cautiously. He doesn't want to be sold something here, but he's still listening, for whatever reason. In response to her question, he nods once. ]

[ Omitting the truth is as close to lying as she allows herself to get with him, and that's because it falls into a different arena. It's not necessary for him to know some things, and she can just skirt around the truth, keep him from learning things that will be unpleasant to learn.

Except right now this is important, and so she's trying to be precise about her words (not always succeeding, but trying), ensuring that nothing she says is not the absolute truth. She's going to give him as few ways to squirm away from this as possible. Keep her face within full view so he can see how honest she's being, keep her body language as open as possible so that if he cares to employ his senses he can read her truthfulness off of it, leave her mind open enough that she's broadcasting her sincerity.

Frankly she's not entirely sure why he's still listening, with how clear it is that he doesn't really want to be. He knows he has a way out and he's not using it, and she's not entirely sure why. But she's glad for it, right now. ] It's been more than ten years since I had anyone stay longer than was absolutely necessary. For anything. Recovery, hook ups, doctors. Everyone just kept leaving, and then I started leaving before they could, or just not letting them be there in the first place. [ She doesn't particularly enjoy saying this, but she's a little committed now, in every way. ]

But you stayed. You're still here. [ In this conversation right now, in the same place as her, and it's been months and months now. ] I don't even know how to begin to say how much that means to me. You could leave right now, but you'd still have been here this long, and it would still have made things better.

[ He's still watching her. He'd like to close off their connection, but he feels like that would be unfair somehow. She's trying to tell him something, and while it might be something he doesn't want to listen to, he can still respect the idea of wanting to tell someone something. He doesn't think he would have ever taken it this far, because as far as he's concerned all you can do is make it obvious that you want them to know something and then their acceptance or refusal is totally on them.

Clearly, she does not share this opinion. So, he doesn't really know why he's still listening either, beyond the fact that she seems to find this important and some part of him finds it necessary to listen to things she deems important.

At first, he's not totally sure what this has to do with him. He doesn't feel as though he's been particularly there for her in any great capacity. He gave her a place to live, sure. Life insurance, but that was really just a pittance, it wasn't something he even gave a second thought - it was there more or less as a hazard of living with him. They haven't shared a whole lot with each other, and if anything that particular street has been slanted from him to her since the inception, which just means he's dumped more of his problems on her than she has on him. He doesn't feel like he's done much here beyond simply being here, and truth be told, he likes having her here for selfish reasons just as much as for her own benefit. He's not sure that really counts.

There is an instinctive negative reaction to the 'you could leave right now' part of what she just said that he can't entirely keep clamped down, but otherwise he simply pulls on the restraints again, slowly, slightly, and then tries to relax. He's got conflicting signals here, coming from his mind and his body both, and he isn't sure what to do with them all, isn't sure what to do with what she's telling him, because he can't accept it, but he can't just ignore it, and that means he's left in some sort of awkward limbo where he's forced to just sit in it, to stew in it, until he makes up his mind one way or the other. ]

[ She pauses at his tug against the restraints, brushes her thumb across his cheek again. ] You could. You could give me the safeword right now and I wouldn't say another word, and you could walk out in a minute. [ Because she still has difficulty believing she truly has this, any of this. Because she will never be able to hold him to something he truly doesn't want.

And no, she doesn't share that opinion much at all. Tony has a terrible habit of not listening to the things he doesn't want to hear or doesn't think he can believe, has a way of dancing his way out of needing to hear them at all, and then dismissing them if he concludes that they aren't right. Which he's doing right now, at least a little bit, she's pretty sure. She doesn't know how to communicate it closer without actually showing him, and she doesn't want to do that to him because it will hurt, at least a little, for both of them, and that's not fair. But him refusing to believe this or acknowledge it is only going to hurt him. ]

You're not the person you insist on thinking of yourself as. [ Quiet but precise, insistent. ] You are not the Merchant of Death, or a failure, or anything in this relationship but an equal partner who has made me very happy. [ She's keeping her space from him, trying to keep him from feeling trapped but still maintaining eye contact with him. ] What you are is a good person. You are absolutely worth anything I have ever managed to do for you and far, far more.

[ He doesn't flinch away from the contact, the way her hand brushes his cheek. He doesn't have a problem with that, really; it's somewhat calming, somewhat reassuring, feels altogether different to the contrast of her words, which - while conveying a positive message and given gently - are still abrasive to his internal dichotomy. The touch is different, tactile in the ways that he craves, and not enough to actually be manipulative. He can allow that without finding ulterior motive, which is what provokes his calming further after she says it. That and the reassurance. He's fairly certain neither of them understands why he hasn't sent her the safeword yet, why he hasn't asked to leave, but he hasn't, and that's the part that matters.

Although with the continued words, we're back to avoidance, in at least as many ways as are available to him right now. He's starting to feel a bit of pressure in his chest, and he's reasonably sure it's from some sort of emotional reaction he doesn't feel like having right now. He just... He doesn't know what to do with what she's saying. Everything about her is telling him it's the truth, and that's almost worse. He'd be more okay with this if she were lying for his benefit, exaggerating because it was something she felt that he needed, but being the truth, straight up without embellishment nor ulterior motive - that's almost not even something he understands. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't understand why it's so important to her that he agrees with her, or at the very least hears this, he doesn't know why he's so opposed to the idea, especially when simply agreeing with her would likely put them back on track to what he was expecting with all of this. ]

[ Neither of them seems to understand it at all, but the fact is that he hasn't, that he's letting her proceed (and it is letting her, the balance of power here is tilted in her favor only so long as he allows it). She's not going to stop until she knows that he believes her, and he doesn't yet, but if her touch is calming then her fingers can remain on his face, soft and warm as she watches him, nothing sexual about the reassurance they're meant to offer. It's just touching for the sake of touching, the way they do sometimes, the way that keeps them both certain of each other's presence.

She's watching him for any sign of a reaction, for any sign that he's believing her, but there isn't one, really. ] Have I ever lied to you? [ It's a different question than normal, but she already knows he trusts her. He wouldn't be here if he didn't trust her. ]

[ No there's nothing remotely sexual about any of this anymore, and it's pretty obvious. He's no longer aroused and frankly right now doesn't really want to be, because the paranoid part of his mind would just see that as another potential way to be manipulated even if the rational part would find the paranoid part fucking retarded for thinking that. The touch is good, grounding, and he feels sort of like he's falling somehow, so it's appreciated.

Well, there isn't one because he isn't. Not yet, anyway, even if he is having trouble scraping together reasons why he shouldn't. Like that, what she's just said. She's never lied to him, not that he's aware of anyway, and he has almost no reason to think she would be right now beyond his own cracked world-view and skewed self-perspective. It's the lack of reasoning that makes him break eye contact again, the fact that he has to shake his head to indicate a negative that increases the pressure in his chest, the repression of yet more reaction. He looks off to the side, away from the touch of her hand, because he's starting to realize that he's disagreeing with her simply because he doesn't want to believe her, and that's a rather frightening thought. ]

[ She doesn't think she particularly wants him aroused right now either, definitely doesn't want him to correlate this particular whole - thing with sex really. (On the other hand, she has to admit this is a sad waste of great foreplay. But you get what you get.) Her hand is just going to linger there, almost cradling his face, as careful and light but steady as she can make it.

And it's going to follow him when he looks to the side, make sure that her touch is steady, because she's always known he had terrible self-esteem (strange, for someone who could be so very arrogant in so many areas, that he would also be incapable of thinking well of himself as a person) but what she's getting from his mind here, the surface areas of it that she can't avoid, the way he's looking away from her - there are only a few reasons for him not believing her despite knowing she doesn't lie to him. And none of them are ones that she would be happy about him having. ]

Believe me now. [ Please, is the impression of her mind. Please believe her, and she leans down to rest her forehead against his. ] I can show you.

[ It has been a serious waste of good foreplay, honestly.

And for that - there's just so much about all of this he doesn't know, which is in and of itself very uncomfortable even beyond the actual content of everything. The gentleness of the touch, the way she follows him when he tries to turn away from her, how careful she's being with everything here from the phrasing to the orchestrated aspect of the situation. The sheer openness of her mind, not invasive, not forcing anything, but there if he wants or needs it, the way she's simply asking him to accept something she's even brought up before a few times, and not actually forcing him to. Asking him quite emphatically, perhaps, but not forcing him to do anything.

It's the please, really. The please and the continued almost actual pleading that does it, he thinks, that causes that tightness and pressure to finally start to force his eyes to water and what the fuck is that, right, that's totally ridiculous. He doesn't want to do that right now. But he's not about to call attention to it either. He's not sure how to answer her though, because he isn't sure he can believe her, but he doesn't want to force her into showing him anything neither of them is actually prepared to handle. ]

[ She's kind of sad about the necessity of that, to be honest.

She's always going to follow him when he turns away from her, until the moment he tells her he doesn't want her to. It's just how she works, when he's involved. She will always want to do whatever she can to reassure him, and right now more than ever. Her presence might not be as effective for that as it normally is, right now, but she wants to try regardless, to do what she can.

It is pleading, really, wrapped up in a bundle of other things to hopefully make it seem less like that, but she can't accept him thinking less of himself for anything to do with her. He means so much to her, and it's so clear to her what a remarkable and wonderful person he is that the thought of him not believing it - she wants him to see himself the way she does. ] I don't - want to do that without your permission, though. But if it would help - [ If it would help, she wants his permission rather badly, right now. ]

[ All he can give her right now are yes and no answers, effectively, which is slowing down his response times the further they get into this conversation. It means he's deprived of qualifiers like it might, or I don't know and I'm not sure, mitigators like if it doesn't help it won't be worse than this or I'm okay with trying it since it clearly means a lot to you that this point, whatever it is, gets made. All he can give her is a Yes, I want to/I think it will help and a No, let me go, it won't change anything, I want to leave. He could try and send her something mentally, but he's got so many emotions right now, most of which he can't identify and at least a significant number of which are currently invested in trying to make him cry now, still, seriously, he's annoyed with that, and he's pretty sure if he does anything aside from try and keep them all closed down as much as he can then she'll suddenly get far more right now than he wants her to. Not that the potential connection he's about to allow will really be any better, but he's not thinking that far ahead right now.

So he gives her one of the two answers at his disposal, in his arsenal, and hopes to god it's the better one he has. He's still not looking at her, but he at least turns his head slightly back towards her just before giving her a nod that she might even feel more with her hand than see with her eyes. ]

[ That is the problem with the gag, yes, that it narrows down his ability to communicate what he wants, but it's also she feels highly necessary to keep him from trying to bullshit his way into not listening to what she's saying, much less having any shot at accepting it. And honestly right now it's a very good thing she can't really see his threatening tears because that might be enough to make her call the whole thing, shut it down and untie him and let him do whatever he wants, because she's not trying to make him cry, here. She just -

All she wants is for him to know and believe that he has done an immense amount for her.

It is easier to feel that through her hand than to actually see it, right now, and she pauses, shuts her eyes as she tries to determine the best way to do this. The easiest, the most true way, would be to simply open the locked doors that are always in her mind, constant and never breached, but she thinks that would be even more overwhelming than something a little more specific. But she can show him a memory of not too long before she met him, a meeting with some of the others, and there's not really much special about it except that everything about her mind in the memory is cold and sharp and angled, no room for warmth or kindness or anything but the mission. Certainly no room for happiness.

And she can let him compare it to everything of her mind she can leave open without overwhelming him, the way things just flow easier, the day to day happiness of the past week, month - months, really. Everything's lighter, and the thing is it's not hard to tell what's made the difference because him and being with him and the anchor his presence turns into is tangled up in her mind quite thoroughly, these days.

She's not sure if that will be enough, yet. Maybe not, maybe she'll have to dig deeper, but she wants to try something simple and hopefully not overwhelming before she tries anything more. See if it'll work. ]

[ Thaaaaaaaat would probably be a little overwhelming, yes. He's already fairly overwhelmed, that's what's causing like at least a third of the problem. He doesn't do that well with emotional overwhelming - his emotions typically run borderline to being so on normalish days; situations like this just catapult them firmly into what-are-we-supposed-to-do-with-this-shit-now.

Like, hey, right now. She's showing him things, and he's keeping himself to himself, as much as he's able to right now, but that's -

That's not a feeling he's used to associating with her. Like, at all. He can barely remember how it was in the beginning, the pair of them, and a lot of that is due to the slow manner in which she opened up, and part of that is simply him having become accustomed to the way they are now. In that respect the gradual climb into this current status eroded his sense of the previous one in the process. But he does take what she's giving him, even if he's tensed slightly in the weight and unease of it. He takes it and flits between the two, if he's able, comparing and contrasting, because that's how he works. He needs to analyse the data. He's somewhat more open to the possibility, because while he did trust her words, this sort of thing is just... inherently more trustworthy.

More trustworthy, but not by itself enough to change his mind. It could be a one-off. It doesn't necessarily leave him as the common denominator (even though it's... fairly obvious he is.) He turns to look at her again though, eyes - he hasn't actually started crying, just got close to it - seeking out any trace of even a lie of omission in her face. ]

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