fe_male | memeboxing

[ The funny thing was, most of the time she'd actually wanted to be able to shut her empathy off. It was never picking up on anything good, never doing anything but making things worse, harder to handle and more overwhelming. But when it was the last sense you had left to you, having it shut off without warning when you didn't realize that was possible was -

She's not going to think about that. She's going to do her best to maintain an exterior that doesn't demonstrate the sudden upheaval in everything else, and if that means raising her shields completely and shutting out any connection then that's what she has to do. ] Did it ever go further than that specific contract? [ Because that she needs to know, has to know if there are any more copies floating around, if this got into more hands. ]

[ Aaaaand that's what clues him into something being awry here - the shift, because they're not actually constantly sharing, actively, but there's still a familiarity that means a sudden void doesn't quite go unnoticed. It's not like it's something he notices immediately, but when he subconsciously marks a difference and brushes past where her mind just was, it provokes a pause on his part. A blink. And then he finally spares her that glance, for a moment. ]

Not with my signature. [ Although it was something he gave to the contracting party. And who knows what Obadiah wound up sending out to people. But. ] Hasn't shown up on my shit list so far. Why?

[ If she was thinking clearer she'd have realized that a total shutdown was far more likely to draw attention than a withdrawal would, but she isn't thinking very clearly right now, most of her focus on one thing and heading in one direction, not able to deviate much from it because it's a little like a rabbit in a snake's glare. She can't see anything else, not really, not the pause and the look on his part, not really even what she's physically looking at because it's memories she's seeing now more than anything. ]

Just wondering. Seems like something that could be - [ She breaks off, silent for a long moment, and then picks back up somewhere else completely. ] JARVIS, what's the date?

[ Yeah it was kind of... sudden. He's not always great with the gradual, but anything that looks or feels like a direct correlation to another event ticks all his scientist boxes and winds up getting his attention, even if it's not quite the right kind of attention to begin with.

But she's not here. She's here, but she's not here with him, and that's something he can pick up on fairly easily, he recognizes it pretty well, and it has him sitting back on the stool a little bit, letting his hands settle in his lap as he looks over at her. He doesn't do anything to interrupt the silence as she stops speaking - just watches. ]

It is the fourteenth of September, 2014. [ It's the longer answer, but it seems like a good time for it rather than anything more abbreviated. Tony sometimes just wants 'Nine, fourteen, fourteen.' Faster. ]

[ Some of the time she likes being an object of his observation, something that he's putting keen and careful attention towards. It's flattering, results frequently in great sex, and makes her feel somehow warmer and easier and safer. Wanted, in a way that she's craved most of her life.

Right now she'd really rather she wasn't, because this isn't something she wants to talk about and it isn't something she wants to think about and it certainly isn't something she wants him to know about. She doesn't want to have seen this because she's been doing so well, she really has, she left and she stayed gone and she's been dreaming less, the space of time between the moments she can't breathe and the world closes in getting wider and wider.

The date helps a little, but it's not enough. You're never really fixed, John had told her a long time ago, and she's never wanted to prove him wrong this badly and failed quite this much. When she starts talking it's for the sake of attempting to present some form of normality, try to distract them both from her fingers curling into her palms, her body curving in on itself as much as it can in the chair. ] They modified the design, some. The people you were contracting for. [ It's not quite accusation in her voice, but there's something a little bitter under the detachment. ] Managed to downsize some and cut out a wiring circuit that was prone to shorting out.

[ He's still paused, just watching. This is how he learns to stay still - by watching. By putting instead all that restless energy into his senses, into sharpening and widening them in scope, breadth, and depth. He looks at her quietly, speaking still, but her body quietly imploding in on itself. Something specific has happened to her, and it has something to do with something he made, and he can feel the tendrils of guilt begin to tug and pull at him but he resists. He refuses to give them purchase until he's sure of it. (He's pretty sure. The tendrils know to hover over, around him, just as if he found proof they would leave, or indeed proven wrong, overcome him.

'They modified the design some.' And oh but that tells a story right there. He knows there is one; he doesn't know what it is, and he's willing to wait, but he's found it now. And now she's bitter, which was just about enough doubt for the tendrils to find their purchase, and the guilt washes over him in waves. His tech, used to hurt her. And after he'd been spending all this time trying to get rid of it all. She's bitter, or something. At the least he's pretty sure she feels somewhat betrayed by it and why shouldn't she? It was his fault. Directly, for some. For the party deeply involved who thinks that the blame for what the weapons do stops with the creator and his mind. Blaming the people with the weapons, it's a nice thought, but in actuality. ] Realized some of the ways it could be used a few days before it went out. Never could quite work out how to stop that short myself, and I made sure it was only me working on it, to get the best quality. Assurances. [ The word is said with all the tone that shows precisely how much he cares for that sort of whole deal. But at least the guy had bought it, and left Tony alone to decidedly totally not work on the shorting issue but instead ship them all as is. Sorry man, the came and took the boxes. Nah, didn't get it fixed, but it'll be fine. ]

[ If she was paying attention to him she'd hate the guilt, because that's not what she wants him to feel. This isn't - it's not really a reflection on him. Yeah, it had a potential for destruction, but it had a potential for being used for good too. In the hands it was in -

She listens to him, quiet and tense, everything about her tightened. The only reason she hasn't run is that she has shut down everything, forced a halt on the fight or flight response that's whiting out part of her brain, trying to make her leave. She wants to leave, but at the same time she knows that that would be running. She's done so much of that already. ]

The quality was good. [ Short, soft. ] I didn't realize it would be in your company's reach, but I guess it would. Makes sense. A type of engineering. [ Keeping on talking is how she's keeping herself shut down. ] You worked on it?

[ Well it's not like he wants her to know about it either. Unfortunately, with her shields down, he's letting his own slide a little bit. So if (when) she lets the connection trickle back through, she'll know anyway.

He's classified this whole conversation as Important, and continues to look at her for the duration of it. At least, until she stops acting like she is now and goes back to normal. Then he'll go back to what he was doing.

There's a clenching in his jaw she might not see based on the distance and probable angles they're at to each other right now. But it's there. ] Where did they use it? [ And then a slight... beat. ] Yeah, I did. [ He designed the goddamn thing. ]

[ She's silent for a long time after that question because it's a real question and the answer isn't one she wants to give. Isn't one he's going to like, not with that tone in his voice and the tension in his body. She knows Tony, by now. She knows how he blames himself, how he coils everything that could potentially be his fault and stores it away and uses it as fuel in the most self destructive way possible.

There's a vicious part of her that wants to strike back at him because it was his fault, somewhat, he did this and he should know the extent of it. But mostly she just feels empty, doesn't want to hurt him and knows she's going to whether she answers or doesn't, knows that this is setting her back every moment she's holding it in. ]

You can't do sensory deprivation on an empath so long as they can access someone's mind. It just - it doesn't work. Takes away the point of it, and I was so raw by then I couldn't have stopped feeling people's minds if I wanted to. [ Beat, and she clears her throat. ] So they shut it off. Flipped a switch and I couldn't feel - anything. Anyone. [ It's disorienting even in the memory of it, head still bowed as a tremor runs up her spine. ] Amplification, that was just. For fun. Experimenting with what would happen.

[ This isn't helping. ] If you're blaming yourself, don't.

[ Yes, well. She started it this time. (Granted, in his opinion, she usually starts it, except for that time with the mugshot. And when he asked her about bonds, which he's mostly good for, now, curiosity wise, even if the concept still intrigues him. He just knows better than to conduct his research in house now. Too sticky.)

But he listens to that like he actually should be listening to that, with basically all of his attention, and he's buzzing with awareness now, like he can get when he's agitated. Heightens survival instincts, makes him more aware of the surroundings, finds more reasons to feel agitated, even if he keeps that to himself too. She looks fairly... overwhelmed as it is. The amplification he can understand - he's had people fuck around with his senses when they were unbearably sensitive on their own. If they'd been able to, or worked out how to engage that on command? There's a decent chance there would be some hi-tech missiles in the middle east and no Iron Man to speak of.

He'll also just sort of casually sidestep the last comment, but it does serve as a reminder to shore up those shields again. He hadn't realized they were getting sloppy - she'd cut out and he'd instinctively gone looking, made them a little more porous to heighten the radar. ] Having it off was worse than being overly raw and sensitive? [ It's not really so much that he can't guess the answer - yes, it probably was - but it's curiosity and that stupid need to understand things and her and maybe seeing if she wants to share some more. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it makes things worse. He has a difficult time working out which is which at different times. ]

Edited (CLOSE PARENTHESES) 2013-09-15 17:01 (UTC)

[ She's really sorry, but she can't actually stop herself from having something that would be a panic attack if she wasn't controlling herself so tightly upon seeing something like that. There's some things that will never not be hard for her, and that specific moment - that's one of them.

She doesn't answer at first, trying to figure out how to answer, if she even wants to answer. Abruptly she stands up, starts pacing around the table because she needs the motion even if it's not easy. She needs something to concentrate on, and she can't concentrate on him because she'll know even more concretely she's making things difficult on him and she doesn't want to do that at all. ]

There's just - nothing. You can't see, you can't hear, you can't feel anyone and I've always been able to feel people around me, there have always been people even when I didn't want them. I don't know what to do with nothing. Your mind eats itself. [ She stops as quickly as she started, turns and looks directly at him for the first time. ] I don't remember the other well. I was - I guess you could say I was gone then.

Okay.

[ Eats itself. He's only twice ever had someone try and lessen his senses, at least in an aggressive way, and neither one had worked. He doesn't know what it feels like to have that particular kind of void within you. Others, sure. But it's not exactly something he can extrapolate to, can transitive property his way into understanding.

And now there's just... He doesn't really know what to do with this now. He doesn't know how to comfort someone, especially not when he's the cause of the unease (but isn't he always though), and he certainly doesn't know how to play therapist. ]

You can break something, if you want to. Car, suit, my arm. Up to you. Or I could go - [ It's direct attention now, like he was giving her, and he shifts a little bit because he's just as uncomfortable with it in this context as she is. ] It was never meant to be used against... Not like that.

[ Her gaze flickers away when he says okay, back at the computer for a moment, but it snaps back to him when he continues speaking. ]

I'm not going to break your arm. [ That bears addressing first, because he's not - she doesn't want him to offer himself up like that. He's not something to be broken, no matter the context. ] I'll be fine. [ She'd said things she normally wouldn't, but the act of explaining eased something a little, even if it was emotionally draining. Enough for the moment, and the next days will hurt but she's used to it. ]

I know it wasn't. They needed me broken, and they had time and plenty of resources. It would have happened one way or another. [ A beat. ] Maybe a car though.

Well good, because I didn't actually want you to. [ It was flippant, Max. Totally flippant. ] Despite how it may appear, I don't actually enjoy moderate to grievous bodily harm.

[ It's just an awkward way of attempting to apologize. He doesn't know how to do it. He doesn't want to think about her being broken, and he doesn't want to think about how his tech, even the things that weren't considered active weaponry, somewhat more passive use, preventative, have proven to be just as malleable and twisted for other purposes as the missiles and bombs he's put into the world. He turns back to his screens as he replies. ] Well do something, okay, because I don't know what to do and if you don't I'm going to just wind up asking who they were and what they wanted and try to find them.

[ She doesn't know how to handle flippant when she's fucked up, Tony, it doesn't process entirely well. Her brain goes very literal and face value. ] Good.

[ She tilts her chin up a little, sets her jaw as she shrugs. ] They're already dead. [ Very simply. ] I got myself out that time. Most of them are very dead. [ A hand scrubbed over her face as she catalogues what's wrong and how far back to herself she's come. ] I don't know what to do either, so. Mutual.

[ Sorry, it's his default setting. 'Flippant' and 'run away', more or less in that order.

Honestly he figured that was a pretty likely answer, but still. In the off chance she hadn't already done that, he would have been happy to do it for her. While he's glad she got her retribution, he's selfishly sad that it means he can't get his own. ] Good. [ Echoing her own from just a few moments ago. ]

I've made stuff. [ It winds up coming out before he's thought about it, and it surprises him a little bit because it was part of an internal subroutine, but now that he's started. ] Even stuff I didn't want people to have. It's all locked down, because it's there, once the idea was there I had to see if I could actually make it, but it's not - [ He's too creative for his own good. Too good at offering the world more than just making things that blow up, even before he was intending to be. ] I'm not like, I'm not explaining myself, just letting you know. I've probably made something else you ran into. Trigger warning. [ Because hey watching her do that whole shut-down thing was not fun and while it might be a horrible idea to say this at this moment (or it might not be, she might be fine), it's better than having her accidentally run across something else again later. She shouldn't have been able to run across this one in the first place, but he'd honestly forgotten he made the thing. ]

[ Those are terrible default settings.

Yeah, that's an urge she understands pretty well. It's the one that wants somebody to pay for things that happen to someone you care about, and you to be able to be the one who delivers that. It's just more satisfying to do it personally.

She'd started to turn away, but when he starts talking she stops that movement and turns back to listen to him, one hand holding onto her other wrist like that'll stop her from jumping out of her skin. ] I'll be more careful going through. In the future. [ It's an okay thing to say, it's not making anything worse right now. The warning is good to have, really. ] I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to - I didn't want you to have to see that.

[ No they're fantastic. Totally one hundred percent certified fantastic and super effective.

Also that was totally not the reaction she was supposed to have to those faltering statements. She's not supposed to be apologizing to him at all, because no, that's the opposite of what he wants.

But this isn't about what he wants, right? ] The rest is locked down. You couldn't see it if you wanted to. That one was just - it wasn't on lockdown. You didn't really do anything. [ Play it down, that's another method. It wasn't important, it wasn't that jarring, it wasn't uncomfortable to watch, none of it. ]

[ uh no and we've now established that i'm 100% right always so

Part of her knows that it's not something that needs to be apologized for, but nevertheless - it's uncomfortable, having your brain be wrong in ways like this. It's uncomfortable and frustrating and it feels like her fault even if she knows it isn't really. Slowly she drops her shields a little bit, extends herself outwards so she can brush against his mind gently, reassurance that she's here, she's fine, it's all good.

She can at least fake it, right? ] Well then, that works. [ She turns to the computer, closes out of the files she'd been skimming through and then moves over towards where he's sitting, presses her lips to the top of his head for a moment and breathes in. ] Thank you.

[ I believe we have reached what some might call an impasse, with both of us claiming one hundred (100) percent (%) credibility.

Hey he can totally get behind that feel, bro, he knows that one, the one where you feel broken and like you don't work and it's something innate that you can't even reach if you wanted to and everyone else can see it, doesn't have this problem, doesn't have to worry about it because they know how to fix it or at least deal with it and you never have or will.

He understands that part of it, at least.

The reassurance is appreciated, and he's at least calm enough to let her get a sense for his own mind in return. Although ahh what. He stays pretty still for that, but after a couple of seconds reaches one hand back over his shoulder to rest sort of on her neck and mostly on her shoulder. He's not actually going to say 'you're welcome' because he doesn't feel like he fixed anything here, but he's not going to ignore her either. ]

[ you know the end result of this argument and i win

It's very frustrating, to have a brain that is fundamentally broken and not know how to fix it. That she knows he understands this is nice to have, even if it's different variations on that for them.

The sense of his mind is good and actually surprisingly calming in return, even if she meant it as reassurance for him. And then his hand is on her and she feels like someone cut something in her that had been overwhelmingly tense, just snapped a thread or done something stupidly simple that she should have known how to do by herself. She's not even sure why his hand on her drains this much tension from her, but everything in her posture softens and she leans down and rests her forehead against his shoulder. ] I'm much better, now. [ Mumbled almost absently. ]

[ He doesn't let go of her, lets her leave his hand where she needs or wants it until she neither needs nor wants it anymore. But until then, that hand is hers to do with as she pleases. ] So am I. It's okay. We can be much better together. You wanna keep working or go upstairs for a bit? [ Because he doesn't mind staying down here with her, working, but she seems to want comfort or something at least from him, and maybe here isn't the best place to do that. ]

[ After a moment her own hand comes up to cover it, keep him there and close to her as she practically drinks in his presence. It's the most clear sign she has right now of the actual moment she's in, that she's here and safe and okay. ] You can keep working if you want. I just need your hand for a little bit right now. [ She just needs him, and the weight of his hand keeping her grounded. ] But if you'd be more comfortable upstairs, sure. [ Beat. ] Being much better together sounds good. Let's just keep that up.

[ He'll probably just sort of finish out what he was doing already, get to a stopping point and start to save things with lazy swipes of his free hand and mumbled instructions to JARVIS, because she's got the right one and while he can still totally use the left nearly as well, it takes too long and it's a little weird and anyway he's gonna feel a little self-conscious for at least the next couple of hours (and isn't that a hilarious feeling to have again). So it's not immediate, but it's not that long either, before he's got everything off the screens or running programs that don't need him to be present for. ] C'mon. [ It'll be a little more comfortable to sit upstairs, maybe, at least where she doesn't have to lean over him and he doesn't have a hand over his head getting cold. ] I want a snack and to zone out now on mindless American television.

[ She looks up a little bit when he says c'mon, blinks at the empty screens and then nods and lets his hand go as she straightens up. ] Great ambition, there. Going to change the world with that. [ But she's not remotely objecting, starting to take a few steps backwards towards the door. Upstairs will be nice, actually, it will be more comfortable even if she'll feel a little bad and weird for pulling him away from his work. ] What food are you thinking?

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just casually gonna use today's date because idek

you totally skipped forward a year on accident

TIME LORD

yes you are my love yes you are

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