[ He's pretty hard-headed about some things. It comes with an over-abundance of intellect - things that you think you know, you assume anything different is just incorrect. False information. People trying to make you feel better and sugar coat things, or deliberately misleading you for some other purpose. And some of it's just plain denial.
That contact is nice, the coolness appreciated, even if he doesn't really make much of an outward sign of it and just feels slightly at a loss when she pulls her hand away again. He lets her words hit the air and dissipate a little, sink into the atmosphere they're creating, before he finally moves to wet the cloth a little. ] Can. Probably don't need to, but can. [ Folding it over again, fidgeting with it more than anything, although he does start to brush oil off his arm, clean his hands. ] I don't like irrationality.
[ The thing is, she does want to make him feel better, and she wants to help him, but she has lines she avoids crossing, and one of them is lying to people she likes. And she likes him quite a lot. So when she says something, it is always something that she means, always something she considers fully the truth.
She's not quite sure if touch is something he'll be okay with right now or if it'll just make him feel like something is being asked of him, but there's no negative reaction to her hand and after a long moment she lets her hand drift to his upper arm nearest her, slide back and forth slowly. ] It's not your fault. Not even a little bit.
[ Unfortunately, he's of the experience that it's typically those whom one likes that most often necessitate the need to lie. Or simply the opportunity. Either way, the result is similar.
Touch isn't bothering him right now, and even if it was, she typically has a grounding presence that he welcomes. It's very specific situations that would have him flinching away from her, and this doesn't happen to be one of them. At least, not now that he's had time to recollect himself. So he doesn't move away from her, but he leaves that arm where it is, uses the other one to wipe off his chest instead, careful around the edge of the reactor to make sure he's getting any trace residue. ] Doesn't change the fact that it's here.
No. It doesn't. [ Steady and certain. It doesn't really change any of the facts of the matter. But maybe, if she can eventually get him to believe it, it'll help change how he reacts to it. Her hand will stay on him until he shows any sign of not wanting it, because hopefully it is providing that grounding presence, the reminder that she's here and wants to help, that she's not going to leave him no matter what. ]
[ He wets the cloth a little bit again, folds it in a different pattern, and keeps checking and double-checking to make sure he doesn't have any more on his shoulders, his other arm. It's something to do with his hands, and it feels nice - he'd had a nice cold sweat going on earlier too and if there's some sort of cleansing metaphor to be had from this then he's doing his best to ignore. ]
Yeah. [ It's hard to argue in the face of her logic, especially given that his side of the discussion comes from a point of disliking the illogical. It just makes it pretty stupid to debate her given that as a starting point. ] I'll write it down somewhere. Keep it on a post-it.
[ She lifts her hand for a moment to let him make sure he's all cleaned off, rests it back on his shoulder when he's finished and presses her fingers against the muscles of his neck, seeing if she can't loosen them up a little. ]
I'll remind you. [ But that's not much of an agreement from him, really, and the fact remains that she knows there's no quick and easy fix for any of this. ] I'm not going to tell you this can be fixed right away. But I'm here, and you're here, and we will find a way to make it better.
[ By this point he's really just fidgeting with the cloth, folding it one way, the other, pulling at the material, running fingertips along the edge. He doesn't want to look up, doesn't want to move away from the counter - it's grounding, her hand on his arm is grounding, everything's grounding and he's worried if he moves and doesn't have any of those grounding presences, even for a moment, he'll wake up and suddenly realize he was somewhere else all along. ] Oh I don't doubt you will.
[ He's quiet again, listening to that part. Still fidgeting, but listening, and that's finally something he feels like he can accept. Whether it's because she worded it well or he suddenly changed his mind about things or what, but he can accept that. ] Yeah, okay. [ Finally a sideways glance at her, even if it's brief. ] I trust you.
[ It's ok, she can get that. If he needs to stay right here for a while, they can stay right here. She doesn't want to push too much - he knows best what will keep him all right, so they're going to stick with that.
But that - it's a reaction she believes, if one she also doesn't know what to do with, because he's said this before and he just keeps trusting her, and sometimes she thinks of precisely what that means and she doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't know how to believe she won't fuck it up.
But she's going to do her goddamned best not to. ] You can always find me, if you need me or you think I would help at all. Always.
[ She can more or less assuage her self-doubt with the knowledge that she is amongst the four total people in his entire life in whom he feels he can definitively place any significant level of trust. Four might seem like a fair number, but when you consider it's basically one of those four, or something he created himself, it brings it into an altogether different light. They might all garner independently high levels, but after you realize that it's a high level or effectively none at all, it changes the perspective somewhat. Tony's trust is more or less all or nothing, because he doesn't do well with gradients or half-ways, and it's probably unfair of him as a whole but at the same time, it doesn't feel as though there's much he can do about it.
And that's the faintest hint of levity on his face, just there. For a moment. ] Yeah, I know.
[ That would be some very strange mix of realization of her importance to him and continuing fear that she's going to mess it up somehow and that that's going to mess him up and seriously, every time she looks back on how long they've been doing this now and the fact that it's still working she's amazed. She didn't know that she had it in her to stay this close to someone for this long.
Levity is good, tough. That's a very good sign. ] Now all you've got to do is take me up on it.
[ He didn't really think this was going to go over this well either, this whole relationship. He actively avoids looking back on... anything, ever, but that doesn't stop the occasional realization of the time and energy they've invested in each other by now from being something that happens from time to time. ]
[ Yeah, at this point it's gotten kind of hard to avoid or ignore the fact that this is definitely A Thing, whatever it is that they're doing. Very much so. ]
[ Unfortunately, he's of the experience that it's typically those whom one likes that most often necessitate the need to lie. Or simply the opportunity. Either way, the result is similar.
Touch isn't bothering him right now, and even if it was, she typically has a grounding presence that he welcomes. It's very specific situations that would have him flinching away from her, and this doesn't happen to be one of them. At least, not now that he's had time to recollect himself. So he doesn't move away from her, but he leaves that arm where it is, uses the other one to wipe off his chest instead, careful around the edge of the reactor to make sure he's getting any trace residue. ] Doesn't change the fact that it's here.
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That contact is nice, the coolness appreciated, even if he doesn't really make much of an outward sign of it and just feels slightly at a loss when she pulls her hand away again. He lets her words hit the air and dissipate a little, sink into the atmosphere they're creating, before he finally moves to wet the cloth a little. ] Can. Probably don't need to, but can. [ Folding it over again, fidgeting with it more than anything, although he does start to brush oil off his arm, clean his hands. ] I don't like irrationality.
no subject
She's not quite sure if touch is something he'll be okay with right now or if it'll just make him feel like something is being asked of him, but there's no negative reaction to her hand and after a long moment she lets her hand drift to his upper arm nearest her, slide back and forth slowly. ] It's not your fault. Not even a little bit.
no subject
Touch isn't bothering him right now, and even if it was, she typically has a grounding presence that he welcomes. It's very specific situations that would have him flinching away from her, and this doesn't happen to be one of them. At least, not now that he's had time to recollect himself. So he doesn't move away from her, but he leaves that arm where it is, uses the other one to wipe off his chest instead, careful around the edge of the reactor to make sure he's getting any trace residue. ] Doesn't change the fact that it's here.
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But it's important to remember.
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Yeah. [ It's hard to argue in the face of her logic, especially given that his side of the discussion comes from a point of disliking the illogical. It just makes it pretty stupid to debate her given that as a starting point. ] I'll write it down somewhere. Keep it on a post-it.
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I'll remind you. [ But that's not much of an agreement from him, really, and the fact remains that she knows there's no quick and easy fix for any of this. ] I'm not going to tell you this can be fixed right away. But I'm here, and you're here, and we will find a way to make it better.
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[ He's quiet again, listening to that part. Still fidgeting, but listening, and that's finally something he feels like he can accept. Whether it's because she worded it well or he suddenly changed his mind about things or what, but he can accept that. ] Yeah, okay. [ Finally a sideways glance at her, even if it's brief. ] I trust you.
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But that - it's a reaction she believes, if one she also doesn't know what to do with, because he's said this before and he just keeps trusting her, and sometimes she thinks of precisely what that means and she doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't know how to believe she won't fuck it up.
But she's going to do her goddamned best not to. ] You can always find me, if you need me or you think I would help at all. Always.
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And that's the faintest hint of levity on his face, just there. For a moment. ] Yeah, I know.
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Levity is good, tough. That's a very good sign. ] Now all you've got to do is take me up on it.
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It'll totally happen one day.
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I'll be looking forward to it.
no subject
Touch isn't bothering him right now, and even if it was, she typically has a grounding presence that he welcomes. It's very specific situations that would have him flinching away from her, and this doesn't happen to be one of them. At least, not now that he's had time to recollect himself. So he doesn't move away from her, but he leaves that arm where it is, uses the other one to wipe off his chest instead, careful around the edge of the reactor to make sure he's getting any trace residue. ] Doesn't change the fact that it's here.