[ It's cool, because in a little while he's going to notice and feel weird about it and probably rein it in. Like, a lot. He was being a total dick like. Not that long ago. It won't be that hard to slip back into it - the outfit is still warm. He's already picking up on all this careful observation and getting torn between look-at-me and look-anywhere-else. It's not that difficult to work out which one is the natural inclination, but there's a lot of the unnatural about Tony Stark most of the time.
So there's another pause, because sure, he's talking, but that still doesn't mean he actually knows what to say. ] It's just the time of year, or something. Some stuff came up, some stuff came back. [ Wasn't dealt with properly in the first place. You know. ]
[ She's been kind of expecting that for a while, really, counting each moment it doesn't come as a win. Temporary successes are still successes, she doesn't expect miracles here. That would be unrealistic, and if there's something she's trained herself into being best it's pragmatic. But she's still going to watch him, because even if he's more guarded again now it's still easier to tell things than usual.
She does know, and she puts her hand on his shoulder, runs her thumb slowly up and down. ] Stuff does that. Takes a while to get used to it. [ She's not entirely sure you ever do get used to it. More used to it, she guesses. That's accurate. ]
[ She is remarkably pragmatic it's kind of impressive. And a good balance for someone who tends to manage walking some sort of balance between darkly optimistic pessimism and blindingly pessimistic optimism. But for the moment he's just working out when it's okay to start being an asshole again (he suspects 'never' is probably the answer but that seems like a really long time in his opinion) and how much he actually feels like being one right now (which is 'not much' but it isn't as though Tony isn't known for being mercurial or anything). ] Did you get enough out of that? [ no not the like, not, well ] I mean, the - context. [ all that context. and sort of an attempt at levity, which doesn't really work in this situation. ] Because I'm not explaining it again.
[ Turns out idealism is really just being a total idiot sometimes, particularly when it comes to the sort of situation she wound up in. She mostly just thinks she was lucky she learned pragmatism fast enough that her idealism didn't wind up killing her. ] I got enough. [ She tucks her knees up to her chest, puts her chin on her knees and watches him, pressed against his side a little. Never is accurate, yeah, she may understand the instinct and where it comes from better but being an asshole still isn't an answer to the problem. She's not okay with that part. ] No need to re-explain anything. I'm a fast learner.
[ He nods a little bit, because cool, good, he really didn't want to have to ... do all that again. Like, at all. And he shifts, because this whole just looking at each other - they need to do something else. Hug, sleep, leave, something, although he can't tell if he wants to sleep on her, close together, held in her arms, or let her just sleep on him from this position here, holding her like he's worried she'll go somewhere. Supposing she even does want to. Sleep, that is. Feel protected. Feel in control. Is control really the issue? It's definitely part of it. And then how about protection? Probably somehow a larger part. Just the way things happened. ] You are. A fast learner.
[ She ducks her head a little bit at that shift, looks down instead of at him for a moment because this is the part that winds up feeling kind of awkward to her, because after that much intimacy there's still a part of her that wants to recoil from it, that's still scared of what the consequences could be. Scared of that level of emotional closeness. She runs a hand over her face, trying to push back the feeling of exposure, glances back at him. ] Was there something you needed to be doing? [ A beat, and she shrugs a little bit as if it's not important at all, as if this is all totally normal, everything that's just happened and everything they've talked about. ] I'm tired, I might just go to sleep.
[ His hands, which had been settling on her thighs since they both finished, a relatively safe place to leave them, tighten on her as she mentions leaving to sleep, because, okay, yes, he has been pulling away, but that doesn't mean he wants her to. After that much vulnerability, if the next step is abandonment, or anything that isn't really just chilling out together, maybe sleeping all close to one another, he won't handle it well. Because then, it feels like appeasement. Here, that's what you needed, now I'll go. And that's not what Tony's looking for. ]
You could sleep here? [ Which comes out far more pleading than he meant for it to but hits a better accuracy despite him anyway. ]
[ She covers his hands with hers, a silent reassurance as she carefully figures her way through this. Personally she'd prefer to stay, because sleeping with him (in the actually sleeping sense, in this case) is relaxing. Because she likes the reassurance and the comfort and she likes him being close. She's just not sure what he wants. Or wasn't sure, because that tone makes it a lot more clear, brings a tiny smile to the edges of her mouth. ] I could. That would be nice. I thought maybe you - [ wouldn't want to stay with her, would want to just put this away and pretend it hadn't happened, would need space to himself. ] Would need to do something else.
[ The hands, those are fine, and he's not actually going to really do anything about it, aside from considering looking away again, but that just sort of looks like amusement on her part. There's not really any particular reason, it just. Does. He doesn't want her to leave, but he doesn't really feel like there's an aspect of this that's all that amusing. But he'd rather she not leave right now more than anything else. ] Think I just got everything I needed. Big bed, c'mon.
[ She promises it's not amusement at all, just being pleased that he'd like her to stay. And happiness that he said everything he needed, and a lot of slightly confused emotions here that she's not entirely sure how to quantify for herself, much less for him. ] It is a big bed. [ Because that is far easier to say than anything that really addresses anything. She slides to lie down curled close against his side, one leg hitched over his as if to make sure he's not going anywhere. ] 'm glad you're here.
[ Yeah, he can swallow whatever it was there that he found... distasteful and go with the myriad of other and conflicting things that smooth it over and get rid of it in the first place. Happy. Just be happy. Take the comfort, the affection, soak it in like you always try to do from people who aren't actually giving it, because this is genuine, and that much is obvious and not the sort of thing that should be pushed aside in favor of harping on something you're not even sure was there.
It helps that it's just comfortable here. It's safe here, when she's here, because she's here, and that's a good thing. He shifts to move his arm around her when she starts to slide down, because that's just as much about keeping her close as her leg over his is the same in reverse. The statement he chooses to take literally in the interest of having more time to think of a real response to it, if he winds up needing one at all. ] Well, you told me to come in here.
[ His arm around her is solid and reassuring, and she tucks herself closer against him, skin against skin as she leans her head on his shoulder and presses close. The constant in this whole complicated no specifics discussed ever relationship they've got going is that with him there she feels remarkably safe. Because he's there, same as he feels about her and safety. When she was younger and a romantic she might have thought that was a silly thing to build a relationship, but she's older now. She knows better.
She smiles again just a little at that literalism, presses her lips to the hollow of his throat for a moment because he's right there and these days she feels more and more comfortable with physical expressions of how she feels. A good thing, because she's still terrible at the verbal expressions. ] I did, yeah. Wasn't sure you'd listen.
[ And he may or may not freeze when she does express that affection, but it's just in a 'surprised you didn't do that before very often' kind of way, that quickly melts away into something that makes him feel warm and happy and totally brushes whatever negativity however minor it was he was feeling straight out the window. His body shifts in increments to melt up along her, and his arm around her is secure but not confining. It's clear he wants her there but it's equally clear that he's not keeping her there should she not want to be.
Tony tends to discount the verbal to a large degree anyway, given how easily given, mistaken, taken, twisted, misunderstood, and untruthful the verbal can be. Not that physical affection isn't much the same, simply that he has a much easier time trusting one over the other, and things like what she just did, and indeed all of what she's just done, that... That is what he believes. ] You're generally pretty knowledgeable about things like... all of that.
[ It's that sort of thoughtfulness from him, how he's careful about how he holds her, that makes her feel so safe with him. It makes it hard to even imagine him doing something to hurt her on purpose. The way his body fits with hers is a beautiful addition to this whole thing, her heartbeat slow and steady against his skin, his just under where her head rests. She would be okay with staying right here for a very long time.
It's just easier for her. Saying things out loud sounds so very final and suddenly Important, and she's very bad with commitment of any kind. ] I try to be. Paying attention pays off a lot. [ She could say 'it's my job' as a joke, but that's so far from the actual truth, which is that if she ever thought of it as her job she just flat out wouldn't do it, and too tangled up in the weird give and take of normal sentinel and guide things to not come with baggage. ] Glad I did.
[ If she can hear his heartbeat, normal save for the slight arrhythmia here and there, then she can likely also hear the low hum of the reactor reverberating through his chest all but imperceptibly. He is, for his part, totally okay with her staying right there, because she's calm, and he feels calm, and happy, and she's happy, and safe, because she's safe, and things just tend to work out better when they're together. Imagine that.
Both of them bad with commitment just in totally opposite ways, excellent.
He's quiet again, digesting things a little slowly because he already had a lot to digest to begin with. ]
[ She can hear it, almost felt more than heard really, and she's not at all sure when that became a comforting noise to her but apparently it has, one of those things that means safety and calm close against her and that's a realization she is in this moment completely okay with. Things do tend to work out better when they're together, in ways she'd written off as no longer possible. She wouldn't know how to put it into words if she tried.
Kind of a miracle by itself that hasn't managed to throw a gigantic spanner in their collective works. ]
You don't ever need to thank me. [ Verbal admissions of things, again. They make it seem more important. ] But you're welcome.
It was my pleasure. [ Because making it a little bit of a joke, that's easier. That's a lot easier. ]
[ Comforting for the same reason that he occasionally, absently, taps out a rhythm on the outermost covering for the reactor - reassurance that it's still there, because after having a great big hole put in your chest, roughly over your heart, you'd probably want to periodically double-check that the thing preventing everything from the outside from getting inside was actually still there.
He has the energy and mood to snort a little bit, shifting along her a little bit but settling again no further away than before. Just movement for movement's sake. ] Mine too. Maybe next time we can drag it out. Make it your pleasures.
[ In her case, reassurance that he himself is still there rather than it specifically, because to her it's always been an integral part of his presence next to her. She's never known him without it.
She waits until he stops shifting, melts a little further into him. ] I wouldn't argue with that. [ She can think of a lot of things she could say to him, here and now. She's just either too much of a coward or likes the moment too much to change it at all to say them. ] You're a good listener after all.
[ and he prefers it that way. yes, yes, phoenix metaphor, yes transformation, but that doesn't beat the pure and simple relationship based on a total lack of constant comparison to a former, lesser, version of yourself.
they are going to just be one person here in a few more posts. also he's not scary she can say stuff. ] Am I? I think that's the first time in the history of the world I've been called a good listener. Must have had something to do with the inability to talk.
[ she's pretty okay with it too, just in that she really likes this version of him and she's never seen a reason to need to compare him to how he used to be or whatever. the same would apply if he'd been a saint before, really, all she needs or cares to know is that he's a good person now. right here and now he is a good man and she trusts him.
she wouldn't object to that particularly. and he's not scary, but the idea of anything being changed is. it's terrifying. ] With the exception of listening to being told not to talk, that is.
[ well. she's just strange. normal people apply old ideas onto the new - it's what makes people like him, who discard old things like the old things that they are, so special and ~futuristic. It also implies an almost worrisome lack of ability to bank on his history with her later on, should he wind up not being a good man, because lbr, that's not an impossibility. to him.
okay that though that totally makes sense. change is, when it involves people and not just a software upgrade, basically a paralytic. the hang-time, where you can't tell how something has just gone but it's too late to have prevented it. ] Have you seriously tried not talking? It's really difficult.
[ She learned to do the not looking back thing by virtue of having to, because the other option was getting caught up in memories when you needed to be surviving. Also through winding up working with quite a few people formerly classified as villains. When it's personal history with someone, that's more complicated. A lot more complicated, and unpleasant, and she would be most happy if he just stayed a good person.
basically that, yes. she hates that hang-time, she prefers to just avoid any need for it if possible. ] I haven't tried not talking during sex, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard. [ she's used to keeping quiet on stakeouts. totally the same thing, right? ]
[ Personal history is always more complicated. It's why people constantly run from their own and into that of others. ]
You don't talk to begin with. Not much, I mean. You speak in motion. Actions and expression. [ he's saying this like somehow 73% of everything he says isn't in one of these formats as well but shhhh ]
[ Pretty much. And personal, well, it implies the personal level on which it matters by the name pretty well. It's the coward's way out, maybe, but it's also so so much easier. ]
That's true. The body can express a lot, you know. You do know, you gesture all the time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i'm glad that makes two of us
So there's another pause, because sure, he's talking, but that still doesn't mean he actually knows what to say. ] It's just the time of year, or something. Some stuff came up, some stuff came back. [ Wasn't dealt with properly in the first place. You know. ]
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She does know, and she puts her hand on his shoulder, runs her thumb slowly up and down. ] Stuff does that. Takes a while to get used to it. [ She's not entirely sure you ever do get used to it. More used to it, she guesses. That's accurate. ]
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[ She is remarkably pragmatic it's kind of impressive. And a good balance for someone who tends to manage walking some sort of balance between darkly optimistic pessimism and blindingly pessimistic optimism. But for the moment he's just working out when it's okay to start being an asshole again (he suspects 'never' is probably the answer but that seems like a really long time in his opinion) and how much he actually feels like being one right now (which is 'not much' but it isn't as though Tony isn't known for being mercurial or anything). ] Did you get enough out of that? [ no not the like, not, well ] I mean, the - context. [ all that context. and sort of an attempt at levity, which doesn't really work in this situation. ] Because I'm not explaining it again.
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You could sleep here? [ Which comes out far more pleading than he meant for it to but hits a better accuracy despite him anyway. ]
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It helps that it's just comfortable here. It's safe here, when she's here, because she's here, and that's a good thing. He shifts to move his arm around her when she starts to slide down, because that's just as much about keeping her close as her leg over his is the same in reverse. The statement he chooses to take literally in the interest of having more time to think of a real response to it, if he winds up needing one at all. ] Well, you told me to come in here.
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She smiles again just a little at that literalism, presses her lips to the hollow of his throat for a moment because he's right there and these days she feels more and more comfortable with physical expressions of how she feels. A good thing, because she's still terrible at the verbal expressions. ] I did, yeah. Wasn't sure you'd listen.
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Tony tends to discount the verbal to a large degree anyway, given how easily given, mistaken, taken, twisted, misunderstood, and untruthful the verbal can be. Not that physical affection isn't much the same, simply that he has a much easier time trusting one over the other, and things like what she just did, and indeed all of what she's just done, that... That is what he believes. ] You're generally pretty knowledgeable about things like... all of that.
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It's just easier for her. Saying things out loud sounds so very final and suddenly Important, and she's very bad with commitment of any kind. ] I try to be. Paying attention pays off a lot. [ She could say 'it's my job' as a joke, but that's so far from the actual truth, which is that if she ever thought of it as her job she just flat out wouldn't do it, and too tangled up in the weird give and take of normal sentinel and guide things to not come with baggage. ] Glad I did.
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Both of them bad with commitment just in totally opposite ways, excellent.
He's quiet again, digesting things a little slowly because he already had a lot to digest to begin with. ]
Thank you. Again.
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Kind of a miracle by itself that hasn't managed to throw a gigantic spanner in their collective works. ]
You don't ever need to thank me. [ Verbal admissions of things, again. They make it seem more important. ] But you're welcome.
It was my pleasure. [ Because making it a little bit of a joke, that's easier. That's a lot easier. ]
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He has the energy and mood to snort a little bit, shifting along her a little bit but settling again no further away than before. Just movement for movement's sake. ] Mine too. Maybe next time we can drag it out. Make it your pleasures.
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She waits until he stops shifting, melts a little further into him. ] I wouldn't argue with that. [ She can think of a lot of things she could say to him, here and now. She's just either too much of a coward or likes the moment too much to change it at all to say them. ] You're a good listener after all.
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they are going to just be one person here in a few more posts. also he's not scary she can say stuff. ] Am I? I think that's the first time in the history of the world I've been called a good listener. Must have had something to do with the inability to talk.
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she wouldn't object to that particularly. and he's not scary, but the idea of anything being changed is. it's terrifying. ] With the exception of listening to being told not to talk, that is.
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okay that though that totally makes sense. change is, when it involves people and not just a software upgrade, basically a paralytic. the hang-time, where you can't tell how something has just gone but it's too late to have prevented it. ] Have you seriously tried not talking? It's really difficult.
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basically that, yes. she hates that hang-time, she prefers to just avoid any need for it if possible. ] I haven't tried not talking during sex, but it doesn't seem like it would be that hard. [ she's used to keeping quiet on stakeouts. totally the same thing, right? ]
idek man
You don't talk to begin with. Not much, I mean. You speak in motion. Actions and expression. [ he's saying this like somehow 73% of everything he says isn't in one of these formats as well but shhhh ]
shhh ily it's fine
That's true. The body can express a lot, you know. You do know, you gesture all the time.
;;
Yeah but that's usually just accentuating whatever I'm already saying with my mouth.
/wraps up
/clings to
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