[ okay that makes sense. It's a vague source of frustration on his side, because Tony long ago learned to associate the physical with the emotional on an interchangeable scale, with things one can directly point to being the things that allow one to gauge a relationship. People connect to each other with wires and pathways just like anything else, it's just that the wires are physical intimacy and the pathways are random bestowals of generosity. So when she, or anyone else, doesn't take something, it's basically just a refusal of his own feelings. Which is like, perfect, right. They're both so screwed up sometimes. ] There are sequences way more interesting than that one, please, it's almost prosaic.
[ They are both seriously screwed up. It's kind of like a running experiment in precisely how screwed up can two people be, frequently in opposite directions, and still somehow manage to keep a relationship that makes them both happy. At least most of the time she's happy to take what he offers, except for under specific circumstances. And slowly becoming more comfortable with others, like she can accept them without feeling like she's overweighing a balance somewhere. ] Went through a lot of them, too. Fibonacci's prosaic, yeah, but it's nicely basic.
Could teach you some new ones. A bit more complicated. Bit easier to settle into. Fibby-boy's not the only one who did sequencing. [ Which is weird, right, because he doesn't have a problem accepting things from other people. Some of them are superficial, but like, from her. He would accept anything she tried to give to him. He, in fact, wants to give, which is apparently what she wants to do as well, so the logical here would be to simply let her give to him and he'll just take it and do nothing. Except he'd feel horrible about himself, so he has to give you something in return. He's not even really all that into the tat-for-tat, reciprocation thing, but damn. Really?
It's all just very very strange and complicated and he'll be happy for the day she trusts him enough to not have to think about it, or lets him go down on her purely because he wants to hear the sounds she makes, or another handjob and this time not because they're biding time until he gets hard again and they can go back to what they really wanted to be doing. ]
I like learning new things. Shouldn't need them again, but they're interesting. [ Emotions complicate things so very very quickly. One night stands (hardly even that), those had been easy back when she was still okay enough with going out in public to do them. Because it was like a contract, basically, both parties agree to have sex and get each other off if possible, and when there wasn't any emotion attached that made it easier to keep empathy on the down low.
And then there's him. And she can't keep things shut down with him, which means she shows him things she doesn't always mean to show him. And to a certain extent, whether it's intended or not, being able to make her feel good is power over her, and the idea of showing him that scared her even if she felt sure he wouldn't ever use it against her. It becomes easier to consider over time, though. Ingrained fear pushed aside for trust, old worries built over with new memories. He'll get his day. She'll probably be quite pleased to have reached that trust too. ]
[ Shrug. Sequencing was always something he sort of did so people would let him do things that were actually interesting. Or took some sort of thought beyond rote memorization of a pattern and then just sticking to it. ] Technically most of them are just following a mathematical principle or criterion to whatever degree you feel like doing math. Although a lot of the time it is just easier to memorize the numbers in sequence anyway.
[ Oh yay the thing he was playing with is finally worked itself into the right configuration. He totally doesn't look mildly surprised at all, but he does lean over and attach it to something, then glance at the screen again. And seriously, making people feel good isn't power. Making them feel bad is power, if anything, because it's not hard to go out and find something random to salve the pain - people are always looking for something to ameliorate their problems, and that's because people are always causing other people problems. Of course, you'll feel the best when you're getting that from another person, sure, but there are ways to get yourself through it until people as a whole are palatable again. It's just so much more often that it's people who create the issue, and objects that bridge the gap. ]
[ She used it as a thought exercise in prison, mostly. Rote memorization of a pattern was pretty useful at that point. ] It's more fun to do the actual work, though. A lot more fun. And it takes more time.
[ For him, maybe, but she's entirely used to feeling bad. Feeling bad was kind of the norm, really, to the point where having the ability to make her feel bad wasn't any kind of threat at all. So the ability to make her feel good, that became the rarity, and subsequently in some situations a threat. That's changed, finally, here with him, but it's still a slow process of realization that it's going to stay changed. That sometimes people just want you to feel good without questionable ulterior motives. And people create the issues, yes. But up until him she hadn't really found anything that bridged the gap. (Hadn't really gone looking, either, but.) Objects don't hold almost any meaning to her. ]
You and I had very different approaches to academic life. [ Or indeed probably life in general, but hey.
Well, he does have a fair amount of helpful instinct in terms of 'How to Keep an Empath Happy: For Dummies', &c. Being content with things yourself is definitely one of those aspects, but really, you keep an empath happy the way you'd keep anyone else happy - by making them happy. Not a difficult concept. More effort in the execution, but what isn't like that? ]
Academically it's better to get it over as fast as possible, yeah, sure. [ Mostly life in general really.
Things worth working for, and so forth? And at first, the amount of happiness that came with being with him had seemed scary to her. Because the problem with happiness is that it can always, always be taken away. It had taken her a little while to realize that nobody was trying to take this away from her. That the only threat to it was their own issues, and she could work with that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
no subject
It's all just very very strange and complicated and he'll be happy for the day she trusts him enough to not have to think about it, or lets him go down on her purely because he wants to hear the sounds she makes, or another handjob and this time not because they're biding time until he gets hard again and they can go back to what they really wanted to be doing. ]
no subject
And then there's him. And she can't keep things shut down with him, which means she shows him things she doesn't always mean to show him. And to a certain extent, whether it's intended or not, being able to make her feel good is power over her, and the idea of showing him that scared her even if she felt sure he wouldn't ever use it against her. It becomes easier to consider over time, though. Ingrained fear pushed aside for trust, old worries built over with new memories. He'll get his day. She'll probably be quite pleased to have reached that trust too. ]
no subject
[ Oh yay the thing he was playing with is finally worked itself into the right configuration. He totally doesn't look mildly surprised at all, but he does lean over and attach it to something, then glance at the screen again. And seriously, making people feel good isn't power. Making them feel bad is power, if anything, because it's not hard to go out and find something random to salve the pain - people are always looking for something to ameliorate their problems, and that's because people are always causing other people problems. Of course, you'll feel the best when you're getting that from another person, sure, but there are ways to get yourself through it until people as a whole are palatable again. It's just so much more often that it's people who create the issue, and objects that bridge the gap. ]
no subject
[ For him, maybe, but she's entirely used to feeling bad. Feeling bad was kind of the norm, really, to the point where having the ability to make her feel bad wasn't any kind of threat at all. So the ability to make her feel good, that became the rarity, and subsequently in some situations a threat. That's changed, finally, here with him, but it's still a slow process of realization that it's going to stay changed. That sometimes people just want you to feel good without questionable ulterior motives. And people create the issues, yes. But up until him she hadn't really found anything that bridged the gap. (Hadn't really gone looking, either, but.) Objects don't hold almost any meaning to her. ]
no subject
Well, he does have a fair amount of helpful instinct in terms of 'How to Keep an Empath Happy: For Dummies', &c. Being content with things yourself is definitely one of those aspects, but really, you keep an empath happy the way you'd keep anyone else happy - by making them happy. Not a difficult concept. More effort in the execution, but what isn't like that? ]
no subject
Things worth working for, and so forth? And at first, the amount of happiness that came with being with him had seemed scary to her. Because the problem with happiness is that it can always, always be taken away. It had taken her a little while to realize that nobody was trying to take this away from her. That the only threat to it was their own issues, and she could work with that. ]